I'm shaking so badly... All I want is to see him... My baby...
I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him... I miss my baby I miss my precious boy! Ugh everyday my heart aches! All I want to do is re-download that app I would chat with him on and talk for hours about everything and anything! I was to video chat and see his beautiful smile and meet him some day and be each other's first kiss!!! I want to give him all the love and affection he deserves and has been starved of till now!!! I want to sit on the couch and watch movies with him! I want to sit on his lap and look into his stormie gray eyes and see all the adoration I know would be in them! I want him to be mine forever! I want to grow old with him! I want to be with him on valentines day and tell him how important he is and how I could never find someone better in a million years!! BUT I CANT! I CANT HAVE HIM! AS MUCH AS HE'S EVERYTHING I WANT THERE IS MORE I NEEDDDD!! FROM MYSELF AND FROM HIM! so now I just sit and stare at the walls, crying whenever I think of him saying I love you or when I hear the cute hum in his voice when I'd tell him bes beautiful. I can't have him, but I want him. God I trust you for telling me no.... But this hurts, too much. I don't have the strength, I can't breathe God please take this.
i'm in crisis identity, i feel like i don't belong to anywhere
I lied about my age online and ended up sexting with someone (them not knowing my real age) over the course of 4 days and ended up feeling a real connection. We both said incredibly explicit things to each other while we both got our rocks off too. I told them yesterday and I feel horrible because they never deserved to be lied to. They said I was the same age as their sister and they just couldn't continue talking to me (which is obviously understandable). But I will never understand how I could act so compulsively in that moment without really thinking about the consequences. I've since deleted that social media account entirely along with our messages to each other. I feel horrible and I never want to hurt someone like that again, but I'm afraid I will. I'm scared and I want to fix myself but don't know how.
I do things compulsively without realizing and hurt people (emotionally)without meaning to, yet don't truly recognize the weight of what I've been doing till it's already said and done. In the moment I see vaguely that it's bad but it's not until it's too late to go back that I feel guilt and remorse for it. And that guilt is enormous, like a PHYSICAL BOLDER on my chest mixed with a constant nagging feeling of anxiety. I want to get better and not do it anymore but I have no clue where to start. How did I stop this compulsive lying and behavior before I'm too far gone?
When I was a younger lad, my parents health took a downward spiral like a Rollercoaster. By the age of 9, my mum was in a wheelchair, Dad was confined to a Hospital bed for awhile and just stared Dialysis. I had to learn to take care of them along with my brothers. Both of them were diabetic so that made things more interesting. By the age of 11, my Brothers toddled off on their own adventures, granted they weren't any older than me. But most of the time I was at home taking care of them both. By 12, both of them were in wheelchairs, their health really dropped. I woke up at 3am every other day to prep my dad for Dialysis. Had to figure out out to transfer them in and out of the tub on the occasion, administer their insulin, manage their meds here and there. By 15 my brothers were gone elsewhere for college, leaving me still to take care of them. It was difficult. Their health just continued to decline worse and worse and I was the only one there to take care of them while juggling High School, and whatever life I could create. Chances were slim because my time was devoted to my parents. at this point my dad lost his leg, mum was in constant agony. By 18 I started in the nursing assistance program because why not, I've already been at it for years. Might as well get paid to do it. But now years later, My parents are gone from this world, I never saw how this had an impact on me. I've spent a decade taking care of them. The important development years on it. Now I noticed that I look for relationships where I am the caretaker or someone's crutch. I neglect all my own self-needs and become someone else's shoulder to hold on to. If you have a pretty good grasp on life then k. not too bothered. My ex fiancee is the prime example of that. She needed help raising her newborn, No job, no real stability so I came in, did my thing, now she's doing good and we broke up. (Mainly because the relationship was a mess but that's a story for another day). I don't feel like I'm worth much unless I'm giving myself to other people. I don't know if I like to play the hero (if you knew my life, you would know a hero is definitely not what I am. but again, story for a other day) or I just want to help the world in my own way but it definitely has impacted me. And I can't function on my own stuff unless I'm serving others.
I have depression. I feel terrible but I don't want pills or to see a doctor. I feel weak and pathetic enough already. And that's the worst part. I feel crappy all the time but I just can't muster the strength to do anything about it. I hate myself. I have thought of killing myself more and more frequently.
how can i heal from loving that celebrity fighter person? i tried to simply stop it and felt even worse, i never felt this bad and i cry everyday all day and cant do things, im failing at my activities, having a hard time to get out of bed and do stuff, is there a way to just make it stop, im always worrying and comparing and feeling like shit cuz i wasted my youth and am a loser compared to her, and that i dont matter, am not interesting or relevant in any way because she doesnt think im worthy of replying to
I hate how my ex says I never loved her. How her rapist ex boyfriend said he did and he lied and nobody ever loved her since. Just because we broke up and I said I dont love you in a relationship way but I still have a place for you in my heart. I still love her. I will never stop loving her. Our relationship was toxic and a mess and I had to do what needed to be done for both our sakes and health. But never did I stop loving her to a degree. I would've given her the world and torn down the walls of china for her. I gave her everything I could. my love, my time, and she became my world. but she continues to say I never did. I devoted my being to her. fuck her is all I can say anymore.
I was triggered today. I binged and didn't care. I ate so much. I probably won't eat tomorrow. Tea and coffee probably.