tfw ... When I'm out with a friend and they keep showing me posts on social media That I've Already Reacted To. (if it was a child I'd play along but jeez this is a supposed adult wtf I'm gonna lose my shit inna sec)
I wish I was happy without taking pills.
I hate my self because I battle pedophilia. it not cool at all. I feel like I'm a monster. I dont know how long I can take it. it a everyday. battle and I hate my self. I try and fail at the battle. i have been battling this since i was 15 years old. wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. at 15 years old I lost the battle. I was left alone with a little girl. she was 5 years old and I was 15 years old. we were alone all night . while my uncle and his girl .went out to the club. that night i lost the battle. we ended up having having sex. I didn't think about it when it happened. I lost control and I had sex with the 5 year old little girl. several times that summer. since then I have pulled my self together. I'm 32 years old now. i hate my self.
Anxiety→Overthinking→ stress→anxiety→overthinking → stress. Repeat. It won't stop 😢😓😫
I'm a worthless lazy bum. My mother's companion is the same as me. Me, him and my mother live together. I'm 39, she's 60, he's 62. Me and him don't do house chores at all. We're both unemployed for a long time. We're rude to her and treat like a maid. All three of us had this fight yesterday because, you guessed it, me and him are lazy pricks. Now on to me: I have no motivation or strengths left to carry on. I barely have friends, never had a relationship, i'm too afraid (and lazy) to do anything that a responsible adult should be doing. What will be of me when my mother's not able to support me? I also have several health problems like diabetes, being overweight. I did chemotherapy 7 years ago and radiotherapy too. I was also abused by my uncle when I was little. He tricked me into masturbating him a few times. My father was murdered by this abusive uncle's father. They were drinking companions until the day my mother told my father she was raped by him. My father was no saint, he was a drunk that used to beat my mother.
i asked to be understood... no one took a minute to hear me. really hear me. im at my brink. i feel like im abt to hv a heart attack. why do things hv to be taken so complicated. why do i need everyones approval. i live in a house w people, so i hv to respect people. doesn't that apply to me too?. am i not a person?. why does her opinion always hv to matter more than mine?.. even on matters that are mine. do i not hv any rights on my own belongings?. i understand the consequence of my actions, i understand that it's important to get along. but do u not see the difference of simple sacrifice for the better of everyone and bullying?. she steps on me like im a pebble. u dont address tht because of "our situation". . our situation demanded some form of sacrifice but it did not demand me to be bullied in a place you promised would be safe. u keep saying things will change when we r out of "our situation"... show me u can change even in our situation. bcz all i keep hearing is hope.. n my will to hope is thinning by the minute. i did what i did to establish boundaries. bcz she asked for a friend but she is expecting a slave. i dont see her treating any friends the way she treats me. n i keep giving and giving. i treat her better than any friend i had. but still.... so when i ask u to help guide her to see where shes going wrong thats pushing me to my edge.. u know the same thing ur doing to me to help me be better w her.. u say u dont want to do that because it will make her find a point against me.. ull slow talk w her.. but when the same thing keeps happening, its time for a different approach. so when i asked u for support. u act like i forced u.. how is this fair?.. am i just suppose to submit until we get out of "our situation" and let her oppress me?. is that ur plan to make me get along w them?.. i can't do things my way even if it is just for me?.. the things im asking for limits no one. does not burden anyone. not 1 person. but not asking for it tAkes pieces of me away. n u would rather "avoid their drama" than make sure i am ok?. if it is so important to you to avoid their drama. to the point that u would huff and puff when i ask to discuss abt this.. then ..
It seems my human friends have forgotten me. no matter how much I reach out to them, they say they'll get back to me but never do. So I do them the same respect and forget them as they have forgotten me.
Why am I like this lmao
I deleted my Facebook, snapchat and this app called whisper. I just didn't see the point of them anymore. on Facebook I had only 3 friends, had an account since it existed. I only had snapchat for this one friend who im sure I have an obsession with not love... we no longer talk. finalize by her this time. I'm just tired. making friends is just pointless. everyone leaves and they have to. their lives have to progress. why can't I focus on progressing my own. why does having friends matter. why do I always miss them. I dont want to miss anyone anymore. why can't I focus on other things.... sighs
its strange but i must confess i did not have anyone liking me these past two years and a half. compared to everyone i talk to i had zero i swear and would like to know why or how plse. am i very ugly?