I cut. But I don't want anyone to ever know so instead of slicing my skin open all over my arms, I have that one line on my arm that I scratch open just enough with an old pair of scissors so it doesn't bleed. Then I let it heal and only do it again when it's healed again. If people notice I can say I accidentally scratched myself with a nail or something. I know cutting isn't great but since I'm not destroying my body (except for that one line that isn't even a very visible scar yet) I think it's kinda okay and better than breaking down and having a crying fit on the very bad days.
I hate how my aunt always picks on my weight. Telling how skinny I am. She talked about this girl who got sick and she was like she got so skinny just like you.
i always get used, like i go out with girls and im so nice to them and everything is perfect. they tell me how much they like me and how much fun the had. after a few days they block me. this has happened way too many times and im sick of it. i try not to get attached but i cant help it. like ill do anything for the people i like but they just wont do the same for me. idk whats wrong with me or what im doing wrong. i can feel myself becoming sad and depressed again. :(
Throughout my young childhood. I was abused sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically by the people around me. I was seen as trash and a slut that could be used as a cock sleeve. Now I think of myself as a slut. I crave the feeling of being fucked because it's all I've known. I crave the pain that was given to me as a small child. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to experience the rape again. I'm a horrible person. I want to know what it's like to be forced again. I want to feel the pain of being held down as they use me. and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for exsisting. I hate myself for not fighting back because they told me they loved me. I hate myself for complying with what they asked, no matter how afraid I was. I hate living. I want to die.
I had an anxiety attack - maybe it's not the proper term for what I actually want to describe, but I don't know how else to name it - at a family celebration yesterday. I always get cranky at parties because it's all too much for me, I normally need a break after 2 or 3 hours of human interaction, but parties usually are longer. There are also drunk people who are standing too close to you and touch you - something that makes me very uneasy and sometimes even panic - and a lot of grandma's and uncles and also strangers (friends of the extended family) who ask questions that I don't feel comfortable with. But yesterday, all of this hit me even harder than usually. Especially when a few people made fun of me for sitting in a corner, or when one aunt of mine came and told me that I should "get my shit together and not be such a killjoy" (as if I hadn't tried all my life to be different) - it just all broke me down. I had to go to the bathroom several times to fight back tears, had trouble breathing, and I felt this strange sense of total panic and "I have to get out of here". I snapped at a lot of people and went home early (which caused a huge fuss because I got into a fight with my mom about not being allowed outside late at night alone, so I called an Uber and had to go back to the party until it arrived). I heard a lot of people talk about me in both concerned and angry voices. I am too afraid to go down and see my parents because I know they want to talk about it, but I don't want to. I am so endlessly ashamed for being like this and wish I never had to see any of them again.
I'm failing my classes in college, I have no time for sleep, eat and do things that makes me feel human. I have no friends. Ever since I started college I haven't made any friends I can be close with. I was still at home manipulated by some conservative rules. My job don't pay enough for me to even afford living on my own. I don't even have a boyfriend. Now I'm gaining weight, growing lots of pimples, and is extremely depressed. My parents told me to live all those goals one by one. Finish college first and then the others. I always know happiness is pursue not given. So I want to pursue them but one thing I don't know, does pursuing them take a long time or not? Does pursuing happiness even mean pursuing success? What is success?
I've just now realized that I have a mental issue and need help. I've always known that I'm not completely normal, but always brushed it off by saying "what even is normal, after all". In my teen years, when it was kind of "trendy" to say you are cutting and depressed and what not, I felt like a horrible person who's just looking for attention. Later I also thought, well, maybe this is what life is supposed to be like. But I've realized it's not. I have problems. I am not normal. Just wanted to tell that someone.
Ok guys that are taking meds: I'm one of you and I need advice about getting my sex drive back.
my head makes me go crazy. it took me long to get over my first girlfriend. had another one. broke up. hear that my first girlfriends mother died. wrote her saying i was sorry. met an absolutely stunning woman, that seems so much cooler than i am. had a date with her. think only about her, but she is reluctant in showing affection. first girlfriend writes again after a month to tell about her situation. dream about her. dream about five other women. have weird sex dreams and dreams about terrorist attacks. perform really good at university, my brain does not give me a reward. i dont know where my feelings are.
One of the main characters dies in my tv show, im crying. R.I.P Bobby Singer