I’m not an alcoholic. I talk to my man about his drinking all the time. But when I feel very alone which is often I drink and smoke until I fall asleep. otherwise I get panic attacks.
Sometimes i think about it, maybe i feel down all the time because Im obssessed with thinking sad stuff. Self pity, anger, vengeance etc. Maybe im addicted to it and why i never get out of this depressing cycle. Or at least i hope it is like that. And i feel like Im addicted to it because it makes me feel something because not being sad makes me feel empty. Being happy is exhausting so i turn to sadness. Sadness makes me sleepy but waking up from it, i get to see its that one making me more sleepy after all but then i still think it makes me better but i feel like sadness just kills me. So maybe its an addiction. But like an addiction, how do you break an addiction????
I don't know what brought it on, but my depression has suddenly come back full force after lying dormant for so long... I feel awful. I feel so alone and unwanted. All these terrible whispers keep intruding into my mind, telling me I'm worthless and everyone would be better off with me dead. I hate feeling this way. I know it's not true. ...Right?
I've reached in my sessions with my psychologist an impass. There's problems I have that can't be solved word's but with actions. I'm just too scared of life that I can't push through the difficulties I encounter and don't even try. I've become a extremely lazy man because of this.
I've had days lately where I wish I could just call out from work for the day. It's just, I hate my job some days. I hate the pressure. I hate being yelled at by mean customers. The anxiety and depression is getting to me. I'm having one of those days now. But I can't afford to lose hours on my check. I just want to cry and not get ready for work. My supervisor doesn't know I have issues with anxiety and depression so I'd have to tell her if I call out.
It was so difficult for me to find out that my biological father who raped my mom looks like me. Everytime i view the mirror I just hated myself... I cant bear to forgive him when I met him. Now I cant bear to see myself in the mirror.
My boyfriend and I had a pretty bad fight lately. In his rage, he said "well maybe you should just kill yourself then". He obviously said it without thinking about what he was saying, and later he even made fun of himself for saying it because he thought it was so stupid. What he doesn't know, however, is that I can't laugh about it. I used to be suicidal (what he doesn't know) and still have depression (which he also doesn't know) and sometimes get "bad thoughts" again. This happened some days ago, but it still makes me feel cold. Unintentional or not, hearing something like this from a loved one hurts massively.
My dreams often are eldritch and deeply unpleasant. At least my girlfriend - I think - appears in them sometimes as some sort of "guardian angel"... in lack of a better word. It's really hard to explain. How do I put it, sometimes, since I am in a relationship with her, (more often since she proposed that we're probably soulmates, if such exist) the terrors that haunt my dreams are banished for a while, while a vaguely female figure radiates an almost blinding, angelic light, while wispering something akin to "come closer, for you are safe here"...which I'll do, but then I wake up or; at least, shift to a less eldritch, but still grotesque dream. That is deeply confusing for me...
This is embarrassing for me but I'm two and a half years of becoming a forty yrs old virgin. So I please ask you all to describe sex for me. Tell what is like to touch another person's skin, to feel that a dick is inside a woman, the emotional peak as you're pleasing yourself and another person at the same time.
I've always had trouble talking to people, specially women. Because of this I have no friends and never had a significant other in my life