I'm in college. Already a junior. Still didn't made any friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. Really..... I don't know... I just want friends. just a group of good friends I can hang out with outside classes. I'll be alright you know. Like I can't just tell them, "hey what's up and can I hang out with you, with your friends?" that be soo awkward. I'm just kinda tired of being lonely and alone and insecure because I'm alone. Being alone just makes me even more looking at my imperfections and ended up comparing myself to others. I keep trying to make connections but it's so hard. I'm not autistic or something but I can't do an eye contact because in my mind, I get nervous and my face turn red. And when it turn red my it gets too obvious. And I know eye contact is a key to socialization but it's so hard. I'm not dorming so I guess these people make friends in dorms.... and my high school friends, they're gone. Have their own friends and somehow forgotten about me. My best friend, moved to a different state, engaged and now also forgotten about me. My older college friends, they were my friends because of my brother. But they're gone too. All in graduate school. My brother is even gone, already in graduate school. And you see my friends are all 5 years apart from me. They're like my TA's age. I've been friends with them only for one semester. And I only hang with them during winters when they go home. But they're all over 21 and I'm not, so the drinking part, sometimes I can't hang out with them. And I can't deny this, I'm a product of long term bullying. I was bullied since 3rd grade. When I moved to the US as a kid, I have a culture shock and I became shy so I didn't made friends, in high school I move to different state (also a culture shock), still the same. I got bullied a lot too because my best friend is white (super blonde hair green eyed girl) and the state I live in is Asian dominant population and somehow some people are racist towards white people. So I got bullied and eventually developed anger against the world and people. That was I born, am I hated? am forsaken? After then I constantly lie for a certain image of me. A layered of masks full of different alter ego. But Sometimes I break that myself and show the monster in me. Maybe people sense it and avoid me. But now in college I moved on from that alter egos but the reminiscence of my past, it's hard to completely throw it away. Going through so much killed my mind. But I'm breaking it but why is it still hard to make friends in college? On my first semester, I ended up with friends who are narcissistic and negative... Somehow I see that they're like me. And I avoided them. But loosing them, I felt somehow lost.... Now I can't connect still. And now I even lost my job too so nothing is occupying my mind anymore but the stress of education. Sorry I know this is too much and it might get confusing. But if any of you are reading this, tell me what you don't understand. But thanks for reading this.
My love for you is not the kind of love that makes me desperately want your affection, no matter the cost. It is not a selfish love. My love for you is the kind of love that desperately wants you to be happy. It is a love that wants only what is best for you. And I realize that I'm not what's best for you. So I'll stay by your side and support you in everything you do, I'll love you with all I have, in the only way I can. And I will be delighted to do so as long as there is always a smile on your face.
She's so gorgeous... I wish she could see herself through my eyes. It breaks my heart that she resents her body so much that it makes her hate herself. No, she's not perfect, but that doesn't make her bad. I just want her to understand that.
I turned 20 and the greatest gift to my life is that I finally is able to express myself and finally avoided friends who treat me horribly. It was the first time I do that to every awful toxic friends I had ever since I was a teenager... I'm now alone but I've never been so much better living life without anyone telling me I'm stupid and faggot. I also feel so much better without someone telling me their heavy problems and then ended up blaming up on me then not even listen when I talk. And I also feel so much better without anyone manipulating me with the way I am. It's honestly rewarding. To escape from that depressing life. But it's overwhelming to be myself since the past years being defined as a part of such group full of dickheads.
Please just kiss me already!!! I don't know how much longer I can take this. You keep teasing me and making me think you want me. Do you? Prove it! Do you not? Stop messing with my heart!
I'm usually defined as straight and the reason is due to the trend back in 2015 about LGBTQ+ people where everybody just goes out defining themselves all the time ( it's getting annoying). Living in an extreme liberal environment, I wasn't respected by people with my conservative views regarding LGBTQ+ (like harrassing me to be a radical Liberal). In terms of it, I don't usually believe in other genders like non-binary, gender fluid or gender queer. But yeah off course I do respect them if that's what they prefer to be defined as. I have a complex reason why I don't believe in it but one of it is just it doesn't make any logical sense to me. Just educating me with it makes it even more confusing. But I respect them just for the fact that I have no idea what's going on with their lives and their lives is none of my business. If they respect me too and is nice to me then I'd do the same. Just for me I don't really like to meddle with someone's identity unless they started doing it to me too. I would also say something bad if they started it. But in terms of LGBTQ those makes sense to me just the fact the aspect of it have a reasoning. I was also defined as Bisexual and was always been born to be like this. I like to stay away from it though because I feel like being straight is normal and being bi isn't. And from the pride trend that's getting too irritating and whiny and childish, I just kinda go against the community. And to my conservative belief about the + section of LGBTQ+, my belief, and reasoning from other people I know and whom I met have a say to me, affected my identity. So far, I'm just straight, but I still like both male and female. But I said this because a friend of my friend found out about my beliefs.... I don't know how my friend said it to her but she was enraged.... this woman verbally harassed me about my beliefs and slapped me. I didn't have a choice but to protect myself and punched her back. I think my punch wasn't that hard but her slap gave me bruises.
theres this kid i work with that used to live in my old neighborhood. i never talked to him before he started working with me. long story short, we grew close. he was like my little baby (even though he's only four years younger). anyway, we hooked up and i feel so bad about it. my friend keeps assuring me that the age of consent is 17, BUT STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
The idea of a threesome never really turned me on. It's always been really weird and a bit disgusting to me. Like I don't care if other people do it, but I never wanted that. But lately I've developed a bit of a crush on one of my friends- and the feeling is mutual. She lives in another country, and we talked about visiting each other someday, at which point she and her boyfriend offered to let me stay with them if I should visit her. Then she mentioned that her boyfriend is really into the idea of a threesome with another bisexual girl and he thinks I'm cute. She seems to be mildly interested, too. And suddenly the idea of a threesome isn't looking so bad. Though I'll admit that I much prefer the idea of having sex with her and just making her boyfriend watch.
expectation hurts, don't expect too much :(
when your friends are so excited for your 21st birthday because you can finally drink along with them. Like yeah I wanna know how Bourbon tastes like I'm too intrigued.