I sit here today, Watching and supporting The one I love Celebrate her accomplishment. But along with her Marks the accomplishment Of everyone I started with Except me I'm happy for her I will do everything To make look her best. I want her to look Better than everybody else She's the only reason I even have joy On this day But How did I fall this low Did my sins condemn me to this
Honestly, I hate my form of disability(there's 3 major types and at least 12 minor types.) I dont know... I'm like in the middle of a normal person and a disabled person. I look normal, I can walk and not need any braces and wheelchair etc. But I have a paralyzed bladder and other areas around my body (id prefer not to mention the others). Like dear god, if I'm gonna be like this, why didnt you just made me normal or obviously disabled? I know I should be lucky but people just don't understand. All the time!! My friends would ask me to hike with them but I can't and I cant tell them the reason because it was too embarrassing (i will pee my pants in an uphill position like that and doctors told me to refrain from it and my feet is numb that I wont feel the rocks when i walk I will more likely to fall often times. Plus I tried it and force my feet to do so and I farte like unaccountable amount of times and i poop my pants like literally....) Often times they would ask, "why can you swim and not run? Like that's bogus!! " I always tell them my body is literally built for swimming not walking (my leg density is low and I build little to no muscle in one of my legs and I have good muscles suited for swimming so I only pursued that) they said they find it hard to believe because they seem not real and would get mad because they think Im insecure or hiding something and then would unfriend me. Like all the time I'm left alone because many can't understand my disability.. and many see me as a liar and always making my disability as an excuse for not running (i pee my pants for running) etc.. these legs. One of them are useless than a prosthetic legs and I would want it amputated... like everytime!! I'd rather get rheuma at 70 than 25 just because I have a leg thats only used to support the other leg to walk... I get soooo mad at myself and i get so depressed and frustrated that I cant make friends just because they think Im lying.. I mean if I must I can show them how i pee so they understand. Id demostrate them how my feet are different from each other.. id show them my confdential medical records etc. I dont know.. but how do you even find respectcul friends and at least believe you and respect what you believe?
I'm going to a party tonight, hosted by a friend of my boyfriend, and I know all people who will be there - I only know them briefly, but well enough to know that they're not people I'd like to hang out with (and I think they don't like me either). Almost all of them are guys who like to drink a lot, and the few girls who will be there are all best friends who seem to always be talking badly about others. Long story short, I am terribly afraid of that evening. So afraid that I'm literally shaking. I don't know what the worst thing that can happen is: whether it's sitting in a corner by myself all evening, trying to sit it out; or trying to mingle and, being socially awkward, having a lot of embarassing conversations; or maybe being openly shown that nobody wants me there. The only reason why I'm going is because my boyfriend is always so sad when I don't come with him to such parties, and I want to give it a try at least. One reason why I'm so afraid is that I've been to a few parties before, and I remember how I always thought: "I'm glad I'm having my best friend with me/having an excuse to go early", because it always was so horrible for me.
I sometimes say what I think people want me to say instead of being honest. I know I shouldn't and I'm trying to stop. One time my mother said something about me hugging her earlier when she had been crying, and for some reason I thought her tone of voice sounded angry so I said that I hadn't done it because she was crying, which was a lie. She asked why I had done it then, so I said that I'd done it just because. She just said "Oh..." and then I thought that maybe she hadn't been mad at me about trying to comfort her after all. Now I was worried that she thought that I didn't care about her being sad, but I didn't know how to explain the whole thing. Then one time when I was younger, when I was hanging out with two of my new-ish friends, a few times I used this nonsense word that one of them had come up with. One time when I had just done so, they asked where I got that word from, and I got flustered because I didn't know what possible reason they had to ask that. I thought it was obvious that I had got it from them, so I thought that since it was obvious, maybe they wanted me to say something else. So being as dumb as I was, I just said "I don't know." Then said me that I stole that word from them and that I shouldn't have done so. I don't remember what I said after that, maybe I didn't say anything or maybe I apologized. What I know I didn't say is that I had used that word because it sounded cool and because they were cool and I thought that best way to express that sentiment was to use that word. But I was extremely inarticulate back then so I didn't know how to say all that. But I think now that it's better to stay in my lane when it comes to words. Then another time my dad was mildly disappointed that almost no one wanted to eat chicken wings even though so many were bought, so when he had grilled them I said that I wanted one because I did not want him to be upset, but at the same time some others asked for them too so it turned out that he had grilled so few of them that they wouldn't be enough for those who asked for them at a later time (me included). He got mad at people for not asking for them on time. So I said that I wouldn't eat one after all. (I didn't actually want one, you see.) Dad asked me why I had asked for one and I just said that "I didn't want it for real". He just said "I see" so I'm relieved that he didn't get mad at me for lying or anything. But honestly, if I wanted to have any kind of good effect I should have said that I want one BEFORE he grilled them or not say anything at all. Then one time I talked to someone on the Internet about what I find to be some of the beautiful things in the world because I thought that if I was going to make "small talk", it might be polite to say something positive. But they said that I was being too saccharine and didn't want to talk anymore. I guess I just have awful social skills.
I want to love others more
Two friends of mine are ignoring me via text message currently. The weird thing is, they messaged me first. Asked how I am, said that they're sorry for not contacting me for a while, with the one friend we even started a really long text conversation with a lot of topics. But now both haven't texted back in a few weeks, and that's just weird. They don't know each other, by the way. Of course I could text them again, or call, but I don't want to be the one who tries to get back "together" when they obviously aren't valuing our friendship enough to write a text message. I'd just like to know what goes on in their heads...
I met a girl at the park. We were alone. It was dark. And cold. And raining a little. Her eyes and hair were black. Blacker than obsidian. And her skin was whiter than snow. She didn't talk much, and that was okay. Looking at her made me feel strange. Her black eyes reminded me of a demon, but her white clothes reminded me of an angel. She said Jupiter was her favourite planet, and her eyes seemed to flash a little when she said it, like she was talking about something she was passionate about. So I told her Jupiter was my favourite planet, too, now. I asked her if she had a curfew. She said no, her dad lets her do whatever she wants. I asked about her mom. She said her mom died. And then there was a black cat on the street. She made kissy noises at it and the cat ran up to her and she picked it up and stroked it. I asked if she knew that cat. She said no, cats just like her for some reason. She was weird. But so pretty. Her eyes. I have never seen someone with eyes so big and dark. But so bright at the same time. I asked her her name. Andromeda. Andromeda is her name. Like the galaxy. And when she said that, I thought: Yes that name suits her so well. Then she walked away before I could say goodbye. I really wanted to say goodbye. I really hope I see her again.
I did what everyone asked of me and they're still leave this vibe as if they're disappointed and tired of me.
I have a friend I thought I'm pretty close with. We haven't spoken much in a while, but I thought that was okay and just a thing that happens when two people have busy lives. But that friend just contacted me to ask if he can borrow my beer pong gear (I have a special set for that) because his roommate is throwing a party. Just that, no invitation, which I first didn't think about much. Then I drove over to his place and gave him the set, he said thank you, we chatted a bit and then he said good bye because he had party preparation to do. Still, no word lost about an invitation. Now of course I know that there could be logical reasons for him to not invite me. It's his roommates party, so maybe that guy didn't want strangers there, no problem. What really bugs me is that my friend didn't even bother to explain. We used to go to every party together, even skipped parties when the other one couldn't come, and now he didn't even bother to say anything. And that makes it very clear that we're not friends anymore. Which makes me so miserable that I couldn't even gather the courage to ask why this is.
I threw up in the toilet and started crying and my friend hugged me and just held me and I cried into his shirt until I calmed down. I've never in my life cried in front of another guy or even been hugged by one, but it feels so comforting. Like something I didn't know I needed. I wish this kind of stuff was less unusual amongst men/boys.