Some friends who I haven't seen in ages wanted to go on a little vacation with me between Christmas and New Year's Eve. I had to cancel last minute and they were quite mad at me. I can understand them. The whole reason why we haven't seen each other for so long was because I've cancelled plans a lot over the last year, or haven't agreed to any plans in the first place at all. The reason for it is that I have a chronic illness, which I haven't told them about. I know it's more or less my own fault if I don't tell them, and I know I should tell them. But I hesitate to do so... I am embarrassed about the nature of my illness, it has to do a lot with things that "you don't talk about" and with things that I'm self conscious about. And I'm generally someone who hates talking about illness or my body. Don't know why, but even when I just have the flu I can't say that to someone, I just try to be as vague as possible. I know that if I tell them about it, I won't ever be able to look them in the eyes without having some degree of embarrassment, but if I don't, they will probably end the friendship because they think I don't care.
I'm going to write my thoughts down here just for the sake of getting them out of my system and getting more insight in my own feelings: 8 years ago I was 17 and I met a guy I immediatly felt a connection with. I never fell in love easily but with him the butterflies hit my stomach right from the first glanse. He rapidly showed interest in me and for the short time we had to spend together (read: 9 days), we had a lot of fun. I knew that somehow I would never be the same person as before. I learned a lot from him about life. On our last day, we kissed and somehow I both felt scared and at peace. We didn't stay in contact with each other and both went on with our lives. I reconnected with my ex and he had a new girlfriend very soon after meeting each other. Now I am in a relationship with someone who I really love and cherish and want to start trying to have a child. This guy also seems to be in a happy relationship to with a nice girl now. However: even though we don't do anything to contact each other and live kinda far away, two curious things are happening: 1) I still think a lot about him and wonder what he is doing, what he would say about certain things, etc... and 2) somehow we meet eachother once (sometimes twice) a year without knewing the other person would be in that place. At those times we smile at each other as if we know each other very well and the connection is still there. One time at a bar, my only friend who knows about him was with me and she said he could not stop looking at me (so i'm not imagining things). I did nothing with that information, but I keep thinking about it. I do wonder how long things will be going on like this... Don't get me wrong: I do NOT intent on cheating on my current partner or leaving him for whatever reason. I already feel guilty for just thinking about someone else sometimes. I searched for explanations on both psychological sites and spiritual ones. But I'm nog a big believer of spiritual stuff (like soul mates and all) and psychology did not give any answers neither. For now, my own explanation is: we meet more than one person in our life who we really connect with. It is OK to aknowledge it when you meet such person while being in a relationship, but you do not have to act on it. As for me, I think he kinda figured this out too and just knows it could have worked out with me too, but life and maybe fate has decided otherwise, and that is OK. (This turned out longer than I expected... whoops!)
Merry Christmas everyone!! I don't carry on religion aspect but I like to take it as a resource the tale of Santa Claus and giving out presents to the good as a reward of all accomplishments and kindness. I'm thankful for the roof above my head, food on the table, family, and having the money to afford the things I want/need.
I just want to wish anyone reading this a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. If things are good for you, I hope they stay that way. If this year was hard on you, I hope next year is better. I wish you all the best.
It didn't take long to show what an arrogant ass you are... again. Well shame on me, I never learn.
I wish I had enough friends- and a date- so I could throw a New Year's Eve party. Instead I'm going to watch the ball drop with a bottle of moscato in my hand.
A really close friend of mine annoys me extremely lately. She complains. Just complains. All the time. Mainly about how she doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't think she ever will, sometimes also about people at college, how they're all stupid and annoying (ironically her reason for hating them often is "they complain about their stupid little problems so often"). I don't know how to tell her that she's getting on my nerves without upsetting her (as you can probably tell she's quite unstable and I'm a little afraid that being too direct to her could make her... Do something stupid or at least make her sadder than I intend to. We're friends, after all).
My friends and I saw a spirit one night. One of them died 3 years ago today and I'm just wondering why tf he hasn't visited me since he knows I can see spirits.....
so my husband has been fucking my "best friend" for about two months and she doesn't know that I know. we're poly and she knows this but she still went to him behind my back. he of course told me right away but I've waited to see if she'd tell me and she hasn't yet. I'm just upset that she feels the need to hide something from me JUST to hide it and that she's clearly not the friend I thought she was. she's due with her first baby in a couple weeks and if she hasn't told me by time she has him I'm cutting her off (which means he will too). to make it worse we've even had several conversations where I've expressed that I would be ok with it and that he doesn't do anything sexually without me knowing. she's constantly telling me to leave him too because "he doesn't love you like he says he does"...yeah he's not the one who's lying to me. (the only bright side is I getting excited about sharing him so at least I'm still getting something out of it.)
I moved to a bigger city a bit over a year ago to go to university, and I love it when my parents send pictures of the cats to me. I really wish I could have taken my own cat with me when I moved out, but she's so used to a big house and a big yard that it'd feel wrong to make her live in a dorm room. My parents are happy to take care of her and the rest of them but I still miss them all.