I've managed to stay strong and not give in to my addiction. I don't know how many days it have been - it feels like weeks, but i think it can't be only a few days max - but I'm still very proud. I thought I wouldn't be able to go through even one day. I hope I will stay strong.
ive become victim of some cyberbullying, i guess i shouldnt have shared information about me, but still its sad how dark people are, they wouldn't show their faces because they think badly of themselves. they say terrible things about my skills, but i know im good. i want to film some sparring and show them how it actually works, they are all a bunch of sad luke tomas watchers who never seen the inside of a gym
i used to give free cam shows online for horney men.
I'm not in the happiest phase of my life right now. I feel like I'm standing still. We're in a new phase relationship-wise and haven't quite figured out how to deal with it and at the moment I'm not sure if we really will. Work is only challenging concerning workload. I feel like the circumstances my incabale colleagues created are holding me back. Friends are ok but you know just no highlight. I'm meeting them but mostly it's my initiative because everyone is so concerned with their own lifes, which is ok. I have no idea what it would take to make me happy again. I'm doing sports I like, I'm practicing hobbies I like but still I'm feeling neutral/sad.
It has been raining literally all week, 24/7 there have been varying degrees of rain intensity, but it never stopped, for 5 days now. this is the week i am supposed to move out. the weather forecast says tomorrow theres only a 50 percent chance of rain, as opposed to 100 percent like all the days before it. and on saturday theres a 0 percent chance of rain. my plan, is to go tomorrow to visit the house and speak to the owner and family there, and if they allow, i move out the next day, maybe even immediately, but i want to say goodbye to mom , she will want to hug and say things i plan to be away for 3 months only, i just want to get some new training in, and learn some jiu jitsu and wrestling, so as to not feel like i wasted my year, also just having a sparring again of boxing and muay thai i am sooo excited, my favourite thing to do on this planet, my most refined and beautiful art im scared of the ppl i will live with, i hope they are super respectful and will be accepting of me and not mean in any way.. they said they will wash my clothes for me too and i also can eat breakfast, i am afraid of being seen as abusing those services and gonna try my best to leave the least ammount of clothing to be washed and also eat very little for breakfast, and also try to stay away from the house as much as possible even if just for long walks haha im talking a set up i created that i can shoot 3d photos with, hoping maybe to get some free lance work lol, ppl seem to like those photos, but im pondering if i should take my real camera too, its just a regular semi pro canon. me and my friend talked about youtube videos before, maybe now we figure something out, i guess i will take it as well my friend has a small pick up truck, he's gonna help me move, thats why we have to wait for the rain so my stuff don't get wet. tonight i packed all my clothes that are here, and camera gear, massage gun, cupping therapy device, all my training equipment and gear, tomorrow i will talk to the landlord and hopefully visit it quick. also i should go to the pharmacy and leave my medicine order there ready, i need to remember to ask my friend tomorrow if he is free to use the car the next day after visiting the house, i will comeback home and hopefully have more clothes ready to pack, tonight i made a big pile with all the clothes i wanted to take for my mom to wash, i really hope she washes it soon. maybe i should wake up early to ask her, and even wash them myself, i never used machine only the soap, but i guess if i just put them in the machine it will wash them for me, i need those clothes quick, but actually even after i move out, i can just ask my mom to put the clothes outside and i just pick them up im excited for first training session, despite all these new exciting things and stress in my life, i must not forget, the most important thing of all is my art, and to not get distracted,and appreciate my art with love, otherwise i might catch a concussion and that would ruin everything. my friend is such good headkicker, and he's huge rn as well, hopefully i dont have to spar with his other friend, who is 2x national champ, if he asks to spar im honestly just gonna refuse lol he is not good sparring partner, he goes too hard, and will be brain damaged even now when he's so young. im trying to only train smart so i can go far and enjoy my art forever a classic job for most of the ninjas around is waitering, because its little hours and good pay, also good training, requires calmness, balance, ellegance and theres a lot of stress that u need to overcome, but now because of virus, theres no more such jobs. if i dont find job i guess its ok, it just mean i'll only get 3 months of training,maybe by 3 months i'll already be wanting to come home to my mom and the food :p haha who knows. tonight feels like a big night, how it felt when i was a kid to not sleep , because we would have road trip at 5 am, so i being big brain stayed up all night, and felt the secret emotions, and the feeling of adventure. i decided i wont be taking my keyboard to learn piano, i decided my arts will be enough to keep me engaged, and i can learn piano when i come back home again, probably there will still be virus and it will be good entertainment and ill be hungry for it. my biggest worry is food, i need to save so much, as much as possible, i have to make the most out of every cent with eating, i've been thinking to focus on leafy greens cuz really cheap, and then just eat a lot of rice and random grains like lentils beans and anything else cuz its so cheap, and then just eat the cheapest meats possible like liver, and cheap chicken cuts etc... i think maybe im just being paranoid lol, and after the first month i'll realize i can eat much more and better, but at first im not afraid to go full monk and eat super cheaply.. also i wonder if my parents will give some aids, a couple bucks every month, once im actually there, theyre generous, theyre just not make good decisions, like for example they could afford to help me live outside for months now, but they havent and i am with my life stopped because of it. all the young ppl in my country are making mad moves rn, because theyre the only ones who can do stuff, lots of opportunity. all the old ppl are (and should) be isolating . let we youngins handle this! trust us! im so excited to finally learn grappling, i only ever done striking arts, i wonder if i will be any good lol. i wonder how it will feel to tap the first time, and i wonder how long till i can tap someone . i wonder how will wrestling feel, im scared of hitting my head on the floor, wrestling is scary my hero and role model slamed her head while grappling on accident, she hurt herself, i cried for days. i want to be really good, and show everyone that my heroes style and approach is the best there is, and that she just made a little mistake that night because she was sad and worried, not because her style is bad or shes not good. she is the best, on the whole planet, and the best ninja, i want to be just like her
You know like when a girl sit cross legged and puts your head on her thigh and pets you? whats the name of that?? when i go to sleep, i imagine my pillow is Rose doing that to me, and i imagine she says nice things like keep going, and believe in urself, and you have good skills! is that wrong or bad? i think its the loneliness, from quarentine, but this week i leave finally, and gonna talk to friends again and hangout, and hopefully my mind will be much better!
I was told people can make a lot of money by commisioning porn drawings online. im good at drawing especially bodies, but just wondering, it'd be nice if i could do something like that. seems very... flexible hours hehe
i'm moving out to rent a room with some random family in their house, its not a pension or anything, im worried that it's gonna be really weird and theyre gonna judge me everyday worse than my family does and be annoying as hell... i want to be alone a lot especially renting a room, i dont want to be interacting with them a lot.. i dont like talking to strangers.. also, the ad for the room said ''room for straight or gay men'', like, why would they mention in the ad the sexuality of who theyre looking for? its just weird to me... if i was renting a room i dont want to know what ur into, plus im not allowed to bring guests anyway so why are they specificing this??? im worried that its some creeps who are looking for gay guys and are gonna hit on me :///
all my life i hv bn angry at most of my family, esp my dad, coz everyone thot i neva amount to anything . my dad hit me, belittled me and even regretted me coming into this world. but nw i live/work far away, and he calls me, mayb to talk and i knw he knws i am angry. honestly i dnt feel any ounce of forgiveness towards him. just wish he wd stop calling...just let me be.
Im moving out of my house this week, to keep training cuz i had to stopped cuz i live with my parents and the virus and stuff. im renting a room in a house where it lives a dude, his son and i guess a grandpa. im really excited but also nervous, im gonna try to be invisible and not bother anyone cuz im really anxious about not being welcomed somewhere i guess. im gonna try to stay outside as much as possible ... when renting rooms everyone always asking ''do u work'' cuz they want ppl who will only come home to sleep basically, well i dont work like that, but gonna try to train 3x a day to stay away lol