I spent all night in the kitchen trying to make pumpkin bread. I've never done it before, and I did it on my own, but... I mean I'm not going to be melodramatic and say it was a disaster or something. But it didn't turn out well. I made two loaves, and one is slightly overcooked, but the other one is straight up burnt on the outside because the middle wouldn't cook. They smell fine, but they taste a little bland. I guess I'm just disappointed with my baking skills- or apparent lack thereof.
So I'm PMSing (period should be here within a week) and as most of you females know, a lot of shit comes up for us. This particular month is just not sitting well with me. Not only is it Scorpio season, but I'm also just getting sooo sick and tired of everything .... And I truly mean this. Just wanna put this out there that I have many things to be happy and grateful for .. Many blessings and protections in my life. I do appreciate them so very much but there are things that have been weighing on me and I feel like I can't breathe. Let's see-- I won't bore you with details of things that are no longer going on but still affect me, so I'll just say the current and keep in mind that I'm in no place to be dealing with this crap considering the last few years haven't been a fresh walk in the park. I live with my little family and my mom and her BF. I wouldn't care so much but I've never really lived alone. And on top of that, my mom is super delusional and her man is the shadiest mfer I've ever known. Thank God he's not here much but still. I wouldn't have cared so much about him , but this piece of shit has been lying to us about a house he has for us and the worst shit he's done was not want my mom to babysit my daughter .. Which is a huge issue. I have no clue wtf it's to him since he isn't the one who has to take care of her but, I'm a stay at home mom to my daughter. I watch her 24/7. My man works 2 jobs and when he's not working, he's smoking or drinking with a friend. Yes he spends time with us but his job with our daughter is financially. I have some emotional and mental issues and I need breaks. My break is to go out with my man, even if it's like once a week or even twice a month ... To the city , walk around, bar hop, movies. I just can't be home and especially if my mom and her BF are there cuz you know, we have only one living room. I'd go out even if it's doing something family friendly, I have no problem with that. I know she's young now and eventually she's gonna grow up and want to do her own stuff so I enjoy enjoying her now. But the issue with that is that my man doesn't like it. He'd rather go just me and him. Heck if it were up to him, we'd go out every weekend alone. Not partying, just go out to eat or movies, etc. the issue with that is that we don't have babysitters. We have my mom and my aunt .. Who we have to drop off at her house because she doesn't drive and lives in an unsafe area. His family is basically non existent. So basically there I am, always fucking stuck because my fuckin man only wants to do something adventurous if its just me and him. If we have our daughter, it's to only go out to eat .. Which isn't the best cuz you know how 3 year olds are at restaurants. Then my mom now is stingy with babysitting. My man wants to take all these trips (obviously without our daughter) and he has no plans of ever taking her with us. I'm sure any of you that are moms know that no matter how annoying your kids are , you feel better when they're with you. But regardless, I don't have issues being a homebody but it sucks when you don't have your own place .. You can't just be alone and enjoy your little family. It's fucking killing me you guys, like just talking about it makes my chest close up and just wanna cry and cry till I have no tears left. I use to work and make my money but no one can take care of her so I have to wait for her to go to school so I can go back to work and just get my life back on track. I want to get a trusted nanny to call on whenever we need some alone time cuz I can't depend on my mom, plus me and her don't truly get along because we operate very differently so living with her for so long really hurts my soul. I want my own place already so I can bring the nanny over and whenever the fuck her stupid ass boyfriend let's her babysit, she can babysit but my life isn't gonna revolve around their schedule. I know things will get better ... Even if it's not gonna happen tomorrow, I know that one day I'll look back at all of this and it'll be just a memory. The universe has my back and I love her so much. Thank you all for reading. And kind words are appreciated ❤️
So I made a great 2B costume for my 4 year old girl. White wig, katana, goth dress. I made a great Silent Hill Pyramid Head for my 6 year old boy. Burlap toga, movie style head, cardboard and aluminum foil sword 3x his height. My wife says the costumes are too fragile for trick or treating. She insists on some store bought generic Walmart costumes. Sigh.
i really miss my dog :'( i still keep on thinking of him like what if he is still alive right now. i have new dog but it's never the same )))):
i drank so much and now my kidneys hurt wtf
i need to go to a whorehouse, but i cant drive yet. taking the bus is too expensive and letting my mom drive would be weird.
I have a weird aversion of leaving my room unless I have to. Like "I can't go to the fridge/bathroom, my roommate will hear that I'm home". I avoid making any noise in my room too. I know that if she hears me doing something, she wouldn't think much of it but I kind of wish she would forget that I exist? That's why I avoid her hearing or seeing me. I want to be invisible or something.
America: you are one scary place.
I feel guilty for eating when I can't get any work done. Of course I know that not getting work done is the real problem but when I know that I won't get anything done I feel that the energy from food goes to waste.
All my confessions, while true, are just for attention. That's how desperate I am.