i dont know why i feel so entitled, possessive and jealous when my best friend hang out with her other best friend, it's not like shes bound to me or anything so i dont know why i feel this way. whenever i see them together i overthink about all the things they're catching up on without me, all the unshared secret stories they're sharing without me, calculating the amount of times they're meeting up and chances of them getting closer; i start panicking. i know i have a problem and i know it isn't healthy and i feel like its the insecurities talking
I wish the news in my country just shut up about Brexit.
My family is extremely conservative, especially anything that involves sex and relationships... And I was somehow masturbating in secret and I often put condoms in my dildos ( I don't trust the chemical components in it). One night I decided to masturbate in the bathroom and somehow I forgot to throw the condom wrapper properly in the trash. My brother saw it. He asked me if I ever did another crazy science experiments at home (I'm known for that in my family).... I was able to lie and say yes... Now I explained to him these various bullshit microbiology and able to persuade him. I told him to wash his hands because there's e.coli that I synthesized three weeks ago in the basement that will make him sick ( I didn't but I did engineered an e.coli in an actual lab that I work into- not at home... ). It's just cuz the wrapper has the condom in it and has my cum in it. And I'm not shaming him but he's still a virgin because of religious culture we have. He has no idea about condoms and even in high school, we aren't taught these things. I learned sex ed in college. I was the only one who don't practice our religion fully so (I break some laws in secret)....
Hardest part of moving a lot is not being able to establish friends, nor self-identity. I move from culture to culture and it fucked my brain. Growing up, I experienced 10 different cultures and settling in one country after all of those commotions drove me far more nuts. I don't know ethics and manners too well. I don't know how to blend in with other kids because I don't know how to. And sometimes I get mad at my parents for making me grew up like that. I promised to my kids, I won't let them grow up like that. And if they want to travel, only if their identity is settled. When they know who they are and the people around them. There is up to them to widen that.
I don't have a sense of home. I move to another country and I hate it because I developed depression there and it's hard to connect to others. I live the 9 years of my life blaming and hating them because they're so whinny, so polarized, so entitled. I came back to my hometown. There, I get to realize, I don't belong there anymore because I couldn't keep up with their way of thinking anymore. I couldn't understand their reasoning and everything was just a nostalgia to me every time I go home. They know far less in terms of technology, education, and sharp opinions. They're happy despite the struggle of their lifestyle and how corrupt the country was. After that, it just made me realize, I'm no different from people of the country I move into. I'm also whinny like them and depressed like them. Some are also having hard time making friends. I have become a part of my new home. It opened my horizon... I still don' have a sense of home and I believe sensing a home needs to start from within. I hope I can see that.
I have a boyfriend, and I went on a social app to meet new people my age. to like have friends form different places and everything. I met this one guy who's really cool and we share a lot of common interest with each other. way more than my boyfriend and I. Now. today is the 3rd day I've known him for. yesterday the guy I met confessed he loved me and that he wants to take care of me and give me the best life ect. today we were talking about kids because he has two baby siblings and he said he'd want to have children with me and everything. it's hard to explain if you haven't read the text messages. he's really awesome and cool. I love him like a friend because he's like one now but he doesn't know I have a boyfriend and I'm scared to tell him and break his heart and love for me. I don't want to be cruel. nor mean. it's like. ughh. it's very difficult. and I don't know what to do. my boyfriend doesn't know about this either. I was just trying to make a friend. I wasn't expecting another dude to fall in love with me. and I mean HE'S IN LOVE
I'm 27 years old. One of my favorite things to do during the summer is roll down all the windows in my GTO, blare The Beach Boys, and watch people, (especially older people), just for a split second, question what year it is.
I changed a lot of my personality because of other people (mostly friends that, in hindsight, weren't good friends at all, but also people in general), and now I feel like I don't have any personality anymore. For example, I used to have a very dry, sarcastic type of humour, I really liked that about me. I liked that the most about me, to be honest. But sometimes, people didn't understand that I didn't mean things literally, and thought I was dumb or rude, and didn't like me because of it. I also had a lot of people tell me how they love the way I talk, but I only focused on the negative feedback. So I started suppressing my sarcasm, and now, a few years later, I don't have it anymore. It just doesn't come to me naturally anymore. I lost it. Something similar happened with my interests. I had a lot of "contradicting" interests (I liked make up AND football, for example), and each group of friends tore me down about liking the other thing (people said I pretended to like football to be liked by boys because they saw my make up, my girly friends made fun of me because they found me too tomboyish to talk about lipstick, you get the idea). So I sort of stopped following each of those and tried to get interests that other people expected me to have. I'm an empty shell now. Unfunny, uninterested, boring. I don't know how to go back.
I think it's rude when someone asks for my Wi-Fi password. I invited you to have a good time with you, not stare at our phones, and the fact that you care so much about being able to be on your phone that you bother to ask and enter a 10 digit number and have me crawl underneath the Wi-Fi router to look up the password just hurts.
Confession #17 When I was little, I hated the world so much that I used to pretend movies like Charlie and the Choclate factory and Grease were real, and I would pretend that was the world I lived in..