I am a very quiet, shy person. All my life I thought that the reason for why I suck at conversations and never say anything is because I am so afraid that my mind goes blank. I've tried being more confident for ages, but with no results regarding the conversation thing. I now realized that the problem isn't that I'm too afraid to speak my mind. It's also not that I don't know what to talk about. It's that I don't WANT to talk about anything with people. I don't have the urge to tell anyone anything about me or my opinions. And I honestly don't care about what other people could tell me. Don't get me wrong, if you want to tell me something I'll listen and try to understand, but I just don't care enough to ask questions about your life and keep a conversation going.
There's this guy I knew in college. He always talks about how depressed he is. I don't know if he was being real deep inside.... But tbh, he sounded too pathetic about his depression. Like depression was some kind of fad for him. I don't know, I can't judge him but every time he talks, I just wanna scream at him and tell him, bullshit. He was pretty toxic but at the same time I'm conflicted to say it because he means well when I tell him little things about me. But he's a difficult friend to be with and I always had mixed feelings when with him. But all I can say, he sounded too pathetic and it's driving me nuts and I don't know what to say. And I know that depression is depression, there's always a catalyst to it whether that catalyst was light or not. I'm going to be redundant here but his reasons is like a child's play and he dumps his shit to me. They affect me but not affect me leading to depression more like irritated. I mean I hope I can tell him, I had 3x suicide attempt, 3x cutting. Changed 3 anti depressants. Was hospitalized 3x, was in psych ward once, was sent to sensory deprivation room because I was starting to be mentally dead, had nervous breakdown, have insomnia. Almost died 3x: my disability complications, from Dengue, accidents... Was raped and molested by my cousin. Yeah sure to him, I look normal. I was excelling in classes, I was completely caring. That's all because Im not putting an effort to label myself and like shit, I've been here, just keep on living.... And because I somehow saw that some depressed people like me, are just sad. Like pathetic sad. But again, I wanna try not to judge as much as possible because everyone is different. I met those with lighter reason but at least, they're reasonable. I don't know, it just sounds too unreal to be depressed because you lost 1 follower on Instagram. And lost 1 friend out his what, unaccountable amount of good friends. I have 4 (including him) that I call my friend and 1 friend was murdered by his boyfriend (it was on the news), 1 was drug addict and violent and so I stayed away from her. I have him and my other friend who is always busy now we are in college.... . He didn't have to pay for college because his parents do it. I pay my own tuition, I have two jobs as why I have small friends. Plus I have anxiety. And I feel like he isn't my friend too because he doesn't know me. And I prefer it that way because knowing him, it's not worth showing him my boulders. Knowing the fact he can't even lift his own pebbles. Plus he doesn't care anyway, he'd ask me then after my one phrase, he'd be telling all about his shit.....
Sometimes there's nothing better to do than watching NCIS...
When I'm alone and doing embarrassing things like going to the bathroom, masturbating, crying, singing (with weak-ass lungs like mine...), or throwing things in rage, I'm scared that someone sees or hears me even though I know I'm alone. "Maybe these walls are thinner than they look and someone in the next apartment hears me!" "Maybe, when I look at a picture on my phone, the person in the picture can see me even if they're fictitious!" etc. It's a mix of worrying that the sound of whatever I'm doing annoys someone and of a fear of judgement. When I'm crying, I sometimes close doors and windows and turn the lights off. I do that so that I can feel a bit like I don't exist and maybe then nobody will hear me. That doesn't make sense, but doing it makes me feel slightly better.
I'm so tired of my stomach hurting and irritable bowel it stops me from doing so many things in life
My boyfriend whines... Like a lot. About traffic, about his job, about his friends and his family, about money, about classes... About a lot. It's been about a year since it started. At the beginning he wasn't like this and at first I didn't give it much thought but lately I get tired from being with him. I have even thought about coming up with excuses just to not go out with him. I feel bad about it but I'm so tired. I just want a normal date, without any complaints.
I have yellow buck teeth and no money for straightening and whitening. Yes, I do brush them twice a day. This sucks.
I havent played the flute in years but suddenly I want to play covers of the theme songs from some childhood computer games that my parents still have lying around in the house
Out of everyone called Isabella or a variation of that name, every 3rd is a jerk.
I isolate myself so much focusing on my career that I feel like I’m losing myself trying to be someone I’m not in order to attract the attention of anyone because I just really want friends. I really only have 1 friend and she just seems to have her shit so much more in order than I do that it’s kinda hard to keep up. I might be depressed. I can’t even afford therapy. I flirt and use sex as a way to try take my mind away from how lonely I am. I don’t know what to do. I’m really losing myself and I feel it. I had such a fire in my heart that’s now dimming so slowly..