There are people in my life that try to remind me of what I didn't accomplish and tell me of those that I know who have accomplished what I should have accomplished. They tell me the news for me to be happy for the person, which I am. I admit that there is a feeling of regret and disappointment in myself for not having similar news. I have made the choices that I have made, and the desires that I have had before, I don't want to pursue for reasons I cannot explain. Yet deep down, by the person telling me about this person, I can't help but feel like they wanted me to feel disappointed as well. I could be wrong, but it is a gut feeling.
When I first got into this relationship, my boyfriend was a virgin and I was not. I didn't have a whole lot of experience, but I had enough to think I knew what I was doing. I assumed I'd have to teach him a lot- and I was okay with that- but boy, was I wrong. He's so good. He makes me feel incredible. He can still improve on some things, but damn, he drives me wild. I, on the other hand, seem to have no idea what I'm doing with him. He doesn't like almost anything that any of my other partners liked, which is fine cause he's his own person with his own tastes, but... I don't know how to touch him. And it's so frustrating because I so badly want to make him feel the way he makes me feel, but I'm just at a loss. I know I'll learn him in time, but it's very frustrating right now and I just needed to vent.
I think my boyfriend has given up on me cooking for him.
My boyfriend's mom called me while I was at work. I checked my voicemail and called my boyfriend. He said he called her and may go to see her. She lives three hours away. I called her about three hours later. She picked up. I said hello, and let her know who I was. (I had spoken to her on the phone times before and met her seven months back). I asked her how she was doing. She said she was fine. I asked if her son said anything to her about coming to visit her. She was about to say something, then she stopped. After a few seconds I said, "Hello...Hello...Hello?". Then I heard the phone get picked up, put back on the reciever and disconnect. I called a two times and the voicemail came on twice. I left a message the second time hoping she was okay, that we lost connection and hope that she has a good rest of her day. I didn't tell my boyfriend about it. I called my boyfriend and asked if he made it to see his mom. He said no. He had called his mom back and his brother made it down to see her, because she had car trouble. He went to donate and went grocery shopping instead. For the past month or so, his mother had wanted him to live with her. He and I have been living together. She is a little upset that he doesn't want to live with her. That may be why she hung up on me. She doesn't want to connect with me and wants her son back. It makes me sad. If my boyfriend makes the decision to stay with his mom, I have nothing against it, because she is dealing with an illness, so I understand. He has to make the decision, it is not in my hands.
My first birthday as an independent adult is coming up and honestly, I wish I didn't. Until now, my mom always organised the family celebration. I never cared much about it, basically was like any other family get together, I was there and that's it. But now, I have to organise and pay for it, and I don't really want to. I'm not very close with my family. I actually hate evenings like this because they exhaust me, but the though of also having to be a host makes me just so tired. Of course I could just not celebrate, but I know that they'd all see this as a big offense (which is totally justified, as they invite me to their birthdays too) and I don't want that. Maybe I'm stressing about this more than I should, but I have no idea how to be host. I can't even cook. I don't have the kind of money to pay a restaurant visit for over 10 people. I also don't want to be a cheap ass who invites them but asks them to pay. Ugh.
when it comes to dating, i'm self conscious about my name and ethniticity. #arab #mohamed what do people think?
i haven't orgasmed in over a month and i feel fucken great!
I don't know what's wrong with him. I want him to get a grip.
I feel bad about this but... Sometimes I think about not working anymore and living off of state benefits instead. It's mostly like on of those thoughts you have at 5 am after your alarm went off and you're like "ugh I want to quit haha", but sometimes I actually wonder what it would be like, and have the feeling it would be awesome. I would be able to afford most stuff I do now, I would have time for myself which is the one thing I'm missing now, being able to pick up a small job here and there whenever I get bored... the only reason why I'm not going to do it is because I don't want to be a leech living off of other people's taxes that they payed with hard working jobs. But sometimes, when you're the one paying those taxes and see how other people are living an easy life while doing nothing, you wonder why you're even getting up at 5 anymore.
I'm at my breaking point. I can't handle the bills by myself. My fiance has been trying to find a job for over a year and can't get anything. We were scraping by when I worked full time at a call center but I lost my job there. I work part time at Walmart and I can't do it all on my own. If we had two incomes we could maybe do it. He sold his xbox to get our internet bill current and was talking about selling my TV to pay another bill. That broke me. We don't use that TV much but I still use it sometimes when I want to sleep in our bed but need the TV to fall asleep. And still, it's MY TV. We can't sell my stuff when I've been busting my ass to support us. I've had anxiety and depression, but I've fought through it to go to work. I lost my dad and I went back to work after my bereavement leave. I have been supporting myself and making it work since I lost my mom 6 years ago. It's nuts to me that I'm in worse shape now than when I was 19 and living on my own for the first time. I hate this. I hate this stupid trailer we're renting that isn't worth the rent to begin with and they just raised it $25. But we didn't have the money to move or a lot of time to find somewhere else to live. I hate this stupid fucking piece of shit trailer and honestly, I hate my life right now. He asked what I want him to do. Honestly, I don't know, but selling our stuff is a band aid solution. Get out there and get a goddamn job?