This last week or two has been really tough on my anxiety and depression. Not full blown panic attacks or anything. But it's been seriously tough to force myself out of bed and make myself go to work. Even when I'm at work, I don't care as much as I used to. I'm either wanting to lie in bed and do nothing but cry and numbly watch youtube, or I'm constantly feeling on edge and ready to snap with rage. Not caring about doing my best at work is making my performance goals suffer which makes my anxiety worse. I need help but I don't even know where to begin. It's tough for me to talk about this with people. I don't like admitting I'm weak, or failing, or that I need help. I don't like admitting any of that in any scenario. I can't afford medical bills and prescriptions. But I can't keep doing this. Trying to help myself with exercise and yoga and breathing exercises helps short term, but I can't put my headset down during a stressful call and start doing yoga. If I'm driving and start panicking, I can't close my eyes and focus on my breathing. What about the mornings I'm running late and can't do my exercises? Or when I'm too depressed to even try?
This might sound dumb to some people, but I literally do not know what race I am or what to identify as. I'm Latina (which is not a race) and don't know where I fall in the spectrum. Am I white? Am I black? What am I? It's the worst when I have to fill out some paper-work and it asks for race. I never know what to put.
I think I'm too unattractive to be loved. I don't know why, but I always think no one will ever be able to fall in love with me or care about me because I'm not good looking enough. Even when I feel good about myself, there's always that voice in the back of my head thats like "sure you look cute, but there are much better looking people than you".
I feel like my anxiety stops me from doing so much in life. All regular life functions become so difficult for me because of it, and I just wish I didn't have that to hinder me. Don't get me wrong, I can still go through my daily life normally - but I get so much anxiety doing the most normal things that it later makes me want to avoid doing things. I pretty much stay home most of the time in order to avoid encountering a situation which causes me to freak out. I most just go to school and work, but even then I overthink everything and fuck myself up. It's tiring.
I'm very self conscious about certain parts of my body. I feel awkward just saying it, but specifically about my vagina and just my privates in general. It's just not . . nice enough looking to me. I really can't even watch porn without comparing myself to the women, cause my goods do NOT look like that. I mean, it's nothing abnormal. It's just some darker skin and not looking so smooth and just ugh. My friends think I'm weird for wanting to wax and bleach and whatever down there . . . but is it really weird? Don't people do that all the time? It can't be that bad. Yeah, the bleaching aspect sounds iffy but I'm willing to try anything honestly.
Ok, I dont mind people asking if they want to help me clean but honestly if you can't clean a spill on the carpet even tho your sitting right next to it. Then I don't want your help with anything.
I'm doing two things I shouldn't. One is eating a lot of crappy unhealthy food (I'm diabetic). The other is that I spend money I shouldn't on sport bets and scratch lotteries.
Every time my brother would go home from work, he's always irritable and he just said he's tired. He's irritable in a sense that he will give you a grumpy face if you ask him if he had eaten yet. My mom would cook food for him and he would get grumpy if I told him, the food is ready then would tell me not to touch the food. And every time he goes home, he loves talking about the crap that happened in his work like we are his diary. I mean I'm fine with him telling what happened today because I'm tired too and I can relate ( I just don't share back because he gets irritated even more). But I always wonder why he's grumpy all the time.. My mom said it's a guy thing. Seriously is that normal for a guy?
I am sorry. I would block you but if I did you would think that you had won and that your occasional vaguebooking got under my skin...
There's not a single thing going right in my life at the moment and honestly, I'm extremely proud of myself for sticking around and still trying my best. That's all I want to say right now. If you're struggling, be proud for doing your best.