No one respects me. I'm a fucking loser that's only good in pushing people away
I cover my face during sex and I don't talk dirty or anything. Its moslty because I have low self-esteem and I don't find myself verry attractive. I feel bad for my boyfreind..
the rich gets richer, the poor just gets dirt poorer
Fuck. I just got my first credit card, and the second payment is already a day late. I've just had to pay a late fee and now my interest rates have skyrocketed. I misread the date and thought it was due today, but it was due yesterday. I didn't think bills could be due on Sundays because banks don't operate on Sundays. And I'm so forgetful I forgot that the due date was even coming up. I hate myself so much right now for fucking this up. I had ZERO interest on this card until now. Fuck. Why can't I do anything right? This is why I'm a good for nothing loser who still lives with my mom at 23. Fuck me.
i know by saying this it makes me a shitty person but i truly TRULY hate my 4yr old nephew with a passion. He's a different kind of annoying and i pray to god he doesnt grow up just like the person he is currently. He's only 4 but his personality is clear, he likes things to go his way, he wont respond or reply back unless if he feels like it, doesnt listen for shit, acts out the biggest tantrums ever and is constantly harassing his little brother. The thing is, it's not even about his parent's parenting at this point, my other nephew turned out the complete opposite, he's the sweetest and nicest kid around it's just his older brother that has issues. He's been like this ever since he was a baby. Even his shrilling voice and stuck up face annoys me now. Im a shitty person that has nothing better to do than to hate a 4yr old but thats why im here and not bitchin about it to other ppl. I mean who knows, things might change when he's older but i cant help but think he might grow up to be a drug addict and homeless by the time hes 17 lol I'll stfu now
I normally would forget a dream a second after i wake up but this just hits different; i woke up to sobbing and tears in my eyes and that kinda stuff never happens so it kinda freaked me out. I remembered being black and blue almost beaten to death by a boyfriend? husband? and i remembered just laying on the ground completely helpless and half conscious while he beats another girl to the ground, if i try to say or do anything to defend her i would just get beaten up more. She was on the ground body and head facing me just staring at me while i stare back at her, she was faceless (as in i dont remember what she looks like) and i can see him spooning her from behind. Jump cut: I was at a family dinner and everybody was completely oblivious to my state, i looked fresh out of a beat up sesh and i still had a black eye. I realised that a family dinner wasn't the best setting to come out with stuff like this especially with domestic violence but i did it anyways. I needed the release. "I was abused" was all i said, it went real quiet real quick and everybody was staring at me. I can't help but crack a smile because that's what people do when they're nervous and in a tense situation right? It was a defense mechanism and i thought they knew that, obviously didn't. One of the people (so happens to be a brother like figure in my life) with a laugh, went "oh i get it, she means that everybody gets abused one way or another in life right?" and everybody was smiling and laughing as if ridiculing me for trying to be sentiment or deep. The pain and betrayal i felt was deeper than any hits i took. So i walked out and thought to myself "I'd rather go back to HIM than to ever walk in that room again". Then i woke up like wtf
My confession might seem dumb to a lot of people, but that's why I'm here, right? To talk about things no one in my life would understand. So a couple of weeks ago, my friend invited me over to a movie party- a bunch of people getting together to watch corny horror movies. I decided to go because I don't get out much and I thought socializing would be good for me. And it was. I had a good time. But I hate actual, not corny, horror movies. I don't have the stomach or the stable mind for them. We only watched one that wasn't a corny movie- something called Hereditary. I won't spoil any of the plot, but it has a lot of disturbing images in it, and I just... I'm not scared. I don't think something like that will actually happen, I'm not afraid of what I saw, but I can't stop thinking about it. Dwelling on the images. I wish I could wipe them from my mind. The thoughts are intrusive and just when I think I've finally forgotten it, it pops back in to say "nope! still here!" I just don't want to see charred corpses and decapitated heads and pools of blood anymore. I don't want these thoughts in my head and I can't make them go away! And the worst part is, I don't know how to explain to my friend why I don't want to go back and do it again.
God forgive me for saying this but I don't want to deal with my mum's bullshit anymore. I'm done. It's NOT a phase, I meant it when I said it. I mean I love her and all she's still my mum but she can be too much to bear sometimes, it makes it harder than it already is to love her. I actually wish it was only me that feels this way. The longer I stay with her the worse it gets. I don't even care if I come to regret this later on but it needs to be said; I. DON'T. CARE. WHAT. HAPPENS. TO. HER.
I hate social media sometimes. Random guys always texts me and hit on me all the time. Most just wanna have sex with me. It's like wtf, like how do they find me online? I'm private and I don't post slutty pictures. I keep receiving messages from guys all the time and I just want these people to leave me alone. I don't text back, I just delete them but then I still keep on receiving so many messages from guys. Like why me? There's like way more prettier girls out there and also many of them wanted attention. I don't like that attention. And like I'm into real relationship where guys asks for a date and real relationships. Like as if everyone nowadays just wanna have sex. Nobody is committed anymore like our old folks.
I want a boyfriend but Italy is homophobic. I'm so fucking tired of living.