She's the girl everyone wants to be around, that everyone loves. Everyone's wants to be with her, but out of everyone she picks me to talk to, to hang out with, it makes me sad. Why? Because I do not deserve her. I love her truly, and it is hurts me but I have been separating myself from her. Even before this.. covid 19 stuff. She deserves better, and when you love someone you do what's right for them. She doesnt understand and someone told me she's upset that I have been distant, it hurts me so much, I've never felt pain like this, and I've been through a lot. My chest feels extremely heavy and tight, almost like what I'd expect heartbreak to feel like, but there is someone out there for her who is everything she deserve, smart, hard working, handsome, kind, loving. But.. not everyone wins.. there's always a loser. I dont know if she will ever understand but I think she'll get over me. Everyone in my life has.. my mom, my sister.. my old friends.. I didn't deserve them.. I let them all go. I wish things could be different.. I'm tired of being lonely.. but I dont deserve good people like them.
My mom watches coronavirus updates all day. Every. Fucking. Day. I'm so fucking tired of it. She turns the volume on her phone way up, so I have to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I want to stay updated in the sense that I want to know what the rules are in my state, and I want to know any updates on how we can prevent or treat this virus. I don't care about anything else. I don't care where the most recent case was, I don't care how many people died today. I'm sad that it's happening, I'm not apathetic to it, but I don't need to hear those numbers. It's hurting my mental health. The whole thing is just making me sad and angry, especially because I can't do anything about it. All this negativity is poison. And I'm even MORE tired of hearing people making guesses and spreading misinformation. I don't want to hear their speculation. I only want concrete scientific facts. I'm just so tired of all this.
to report my ex for sexual assault or to not after finding videos he secretly took of us having sex along with pictures of him sexually assaulting me while I slept 🤔
I have hated myself for a long time, long story made short: my life has been shit most of the time. A truly piece of shit dad, horrible people, homeless, unloved by anyone, it's only gotten better within these last few years because I work so damn hard, but I finally met a woman who I respect and cherish and desire.. but I'm not the man she deserves. She somehow always finds out about me putting myself down and she catches me doing in person. She hates it, I know why, she thinks "I'm nice" and dont "dont deserve it" but.. after everything I've been through it's what I know. I was bent and broken to see myself as a piece of trash, it makes me sad that I hurt her.. I think she knows that I self harm in a physical way, she's dropped some small hints but.. I just dont want to be here anymore, all I do is wake up, feel pain that was carved into my brain, work a meaningless job, and then go home and do it all again.. and with all this COV19 stuff.. I am not working and I just feel so empty and alone.. she's the first person in so long who makes me feel okay, and I cant see her, or hang out with her and everything feels terrible again.. I stopped gaming, I stopped writing.. I stopped everything but my own pain. Sometimes I believe the "lies" they told me. That I'm unloved, ugly, stupid, waste of time. They stopped feeling like "lies" awhile ago, though.
found some of my teen daughter's clothes under the bed when my ex lived with me. He lost his shit when I accused him of doing something and punched me right in my jaw for even thinking he would be doing anything like that. While packing his stuff I found a pair on my daughter's panties in the backpack he used covered in cum and shit. Then I found at the bottom of the closet he used the pair of shorts I found before covered in cum stains as well as a pair of my daughter's panties from when she was 10 again with cum stains all over them. My girls say he never touched them but this is fucking sick and that he physically assaulted me for confronting him with what turned out to be true disgusts me even more.
while packing his stuff I found the ring i gave him that he swore I took and not a single letter I wrote him while he was away but yeah it was totally me that gave up
My depression has been really bad lately. I'm so stressed that I'm craving cigarettes even though I've never smoked. I had a full mental breakdown yesterday and cried myself to sleep, fighting thoughts of self hatred and worthlessness. I don't want to kill myself, but lingering in the back of my mind, I still hear whispers of death promising me comfort and peace. I am so tired of feeling like this.
I've grown up with abusive parents. When i was 16 i kind of fleed from home and got shit together myself. I cut all contact, moved 750km away in another country and started working in the restaurant industry. By the age of 23 i met my now husband, he's 20yrs older than me and we both were poor but we had a great relationship . We married 2 yrs later and worked hard to pay off his debts. We tried to open up our own restaurant together but things just wouldn't come our way.. so we gave up. I was about to get some education so i wont have to work as a waitress all my life. Right then we were offered an amazing chance. We finally got a restaurant. Long story short. We made some good cash for us in 3 months. Working 16-18hrs day. So you must think, i got away very good. Yes i did. Until it turned out to be hell. Since we earned some money my husband turned out to be a completely different person.. He started treating me as if i was his servant. I do all the cleaning and washing in the restaurant cause its women work. I make the bread in the morning, sorting money, doing the paperwork, the websites, i do all the pre cooking and kitchen cleaning, when we're opened i do the service. I get up at 3.30 and work all day. While my husband gets celebrated to do the bare minimum of cooking. sitting and drinking with regulars. I just played along and stayed silent in front of the guests and employees but it got worse and worse. He started talking bad of me and the work i do to customers and emloyees. He treats my like a dog. Started cheating on me and gambling with our business money. It's humiliating. Now our restaurant is closed due to corona. And i can't even talk to him anymore, he's so aggressive and when i won't do his way he gets loud and so angry i get so scared I dont really know how to deal with it. I have nowhere to go. I'll lose my 'greencard' when i leave him. How and why has it turned out like this? Im again caged in hell. Theres this saying that money doesnt change people it just helps revealing who they really are. So girls choose wisely.. I, in fact, am a stupid bitch.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because I was unhappy and wanting to have freedom to see other people. I ended up letting him come back because I needed the other half of bills paid. Now I'm super unhappy again.
I feeling like i got no time to lose, and finally working very hard and doing what i could, but now with corona virus, there won't be any gyms for more than a year, and my dream might be crushed because of this, because i cannot afford one year of not learning. this is really terrible. i wish this would just end. this is a nightmare