so I've been texting this girl I met at a bus stop. I know she's in high school or middle school. she told me she's bad at math. so i gave her my number so i can teach her. at first it was about math then normal chat then love to give you a hug. then I can't wait to see you to i told my mom im spending the night at my friend's place so we can sleep together finally. we had so much fun that night.
China should be held accountable for the virus they created, accidently or not. And just now I saw in the news that the wild animals markets have just opened up again.
You know what I'm really pissed about right now? There are multiple influencers I'm following on Instagram, and because of the lockdown I've been watching all their stories more than usual because I'm bored. And all they post is "people, stay home, don't go outside, don't be selfish! We're all in this together" and angry rants about people they saw being outside nevertheless... But THEN they also post stories about themselves going on frickin vacations in some vacant hotels or visiting family in big ass villas with goddamn INDOOR POOLS. And I'm sitting here in my one bedroom apartment that's barely big enough to fit all my furniture in and have to endure them telling me that I'm selfish for wanting to go to the park to read a book. Influencers are so removed from life and they have no idea
I hope my now ex doesn't think I'm not going to turn her in for E-filling my tax returns, opening an online bank account in my name and stealing my federal tax return while I was in jail..... wonder how she's going to like prison?
My self hatred and my depression made me realise, that the really natural happy me, the one who was really happy with what I had/have, has died long ago. When I look into my mirror in the morning, I just see a broken version of me, unhappy with myself and what is happening around me. I look at me and see everything I hate about me... every detail of my body that I hate is clear for me to see and every bad thing I did and every bad trait I have are... just there... swirling in my head, visualizing in front of my eyes.... Most of the time I cry when I see myself in the mirror. I want to break it.... break it into thousands of little shards, each and every single one being so sharp that they would cut through my flesh in no time... relieving me from my existence in this world. A lot of questions circle around in my head.. What has happened? How did I fall so deep into this endless, dark and cold pit? Why can't I be the happy me again? Why do I want to die?
my government is causing serious economic issues that we'll be trying to pay the next 100+ years. EI would have been sufficient during this pandemic. there was no reason to inflate the shit out of our money so that he can start handing it out like candy. and people are too blinded by the "free money" to realise nothing is ever free. this will cost us for generations.
Anyone kinda angry that all this pain, suffering, lost time, being locked down inside a house, fear, people dying, is ALL , LITERALLY , ONLY because Chinese people COULD NOT stop eating exotic wild animals? if they would eat beef chicken and fish like everyone else NONE OF THIS would be happening. And i know some worthless miserable sacks of shit are gonna say that this is RaCiSt but i don't give a fuck. maybe if we had been more RaCiSt the whole world wouldn't be suffering right now. If you're a chinese bat eater, go fuck yourself, i hope you fucking die a horrible death and your whole bat eating family dies so the world becomes a less horrible place.
I have a love hate relationship with the fact that my brain recently has started feeling like Sayori's goodbye "poem" in Doki Doki Literature Club.
Sometimes my self hatred gets so bad that i just want to slice myself to ribbons.
I have to get this off my chest, I feel so guilty and disgusting. I used to have a crush on my coworker, but got over it when my friend started dating him, and then even more so when their relationship went south and he showed his true colors. He's kind of not a good person under the surface. Today we had a going away party for him at work. He was giving out goodbye hugs, and when he offered me one, I accepted to be polite, because I'm still being cordial with him. And the second he had his arms around me, I just melted. A year ago, I would have died to feel his arms around me, but today, I'm in a happy relationship with a nearly perfect boyfriend and I recognize that I dodged a bullet with my former crush. But that hug felt so nice. He caressed my hair and held me for what felt like a very long time, and I felt so at home. And I hate that. Why did I feel that? Why did I react like that? I know I used to be in love with him, but I barely even like him as a human now, much less as a potential mate. But physically I'm still drawn in by him, his scent still makes my heart race, his voice still gives me shivers, his eyes still make me weak. Why? I'm so mad and disgusted with myself, not to mention I'm kind of freaked out that he touched me that way because caressing someone's hair is not something that happens in a casual, friendly hug. I feel guilty for liking it when I have a boyfriend. I feel guilty for, deep down, a tiny part of me still craving that touch again, just wanting him close to me, despite how I feel about him.