I fucking hate April Fool's Day. I don't know why it's a "holiday". Whatever it started as, it's now just a day for people to see what lies they can get away with and what shitty "pranks" they can pull. It's just a day to be mean. And for people like me who can't tell when people are joking or being serious, and people with social anxiety, this day is hell. I have to stay off the internet and avoid people entirely because I can't trust anyone not to lie to me. But I can't avoid work, and I'm dreading it. My coworkers especially like to mess with me because they know I can't tell when they're being serious. It pisses me off. It's so draining.
I think it's stupid that people download porn in this day and age. What's the point? I have never wanted to rewatch a specific video, it's always like "oh... I've seen this one." and I get bored. Why save it? It just takes up space and poses the risk of someone finding it.
EXPLICIT & TMI I've noticed in the past couple of months that masturbation gives me constipation. How much does my body hate me?!
My friends are drop dead fucking gorgeous i can't help be feel like the alien and the duff of the group at times. It got so bad that i actually refuse to be in any group pictures because my insecurities is at the point where its that high, it's sad
Sometimes I wonder if I am really depressed. I have my good days where Im happy threw out the day and sometimes it last more then just one day but I have other days I feel like I am a failure no matter what I do. I ended up calling my mom one night when I was having a bad day but I wasn't internally going to tell her whats been going on in my head but she heard something in my voice when I was talking to her so when she asked if I was ok..I just lost in and cried for a good hour or so on the phone with her. Ever since then I've felt better. But I can feel the emptiness comming back.
Sometimes i just feel like the most crappiest friend ever, i never know how to comfort or calm people down so in most cases i just stand there like a fucking goldfish. they say that sometimes you dont even need to talk as long as you're there to listen and that may be therapeutic to some people but i can't help but feel so fucking defeated and useless. This morning my friend had a mental breakdown and she was ranting but im shit at talking let alone give good constructive advices so like the fucking goldfish i am i just stood there hugging her not saying anything afraid i'll fuck up and say the wrong things. whispering sweet nothings and constantly reminding her shes not alone will only get her so far, i love her and i hate seeing her like this but if only i can actually TALK would actually be great. I'm not actually trying to make this about me because this confession was actually supposed to be about her but i can't help but be pissed at myself, i'm so angry at the fact that i'm actually fucking useless and i can't do shit about her problems. It's one of my biggest flaws and it's a personal issue that affects my life in general. I've also learnt that i can't properly talk or express myself unless if it's over text cause that way i have time to at least think of a good answer, and it sucks to be me and i realised how fucking 1st world problem and unimportant this all sounds so i'll shut the fuck up
There's a contest on the radio giving away money... they played it last year and one of the people who won was a coworker of mine who gets close to 3k a month from the government, brags all the time that he doesn't really need his job. and he wins. this time. my bf's mother just won. her new husband abuses their kids (she does nothing... and no he doesn't abuse her), she disowned the eldest kid and her own mother, she's cheated on practically every guy she's been with and on her spare time she critisizes every decision my bf and I make about our life, they have a huge house, motor bikes, snowmobiles and 2 trucks they treat better than their children.... and so the universe is just like here, have some free money.... fucking hate how life works
My therapist says that deep down I miss having people in my life. While true I think it's too much trouble trying to make things good with everyone around me.
My ex friends don't talk to me anymore. I did chemo about 5 yrs ago and didn't take it well so I was really angry and snapping at people for the littlest shit. I was also very rude and offensive. Even so I think they quit on me too fast and easily. But I realized just now that even if they accepted me again it wouldn't be the same. There's too much bad blood to things work.
I HATE when people call me. It's such a weird pet peeve cause that's one of the main purposes of a phone, but it just annoys me when people randomly call me. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CALL FOR SHIT THEY CAN JUST TEXT ME ABOUT 🤯