while packing his stuff I found the ring i gave him that he swore I took and not a single letter I wrote him while he was away but yeah it was totally me that gave up
My depression has been really bad lately. I'm so stressed that I'm craving cigarettes even though I've never smoked. I had a full mental breakdown yesterday and cried myself to sleep, fighting thoughts of self hatred and worthlessness. I don't want to kill myself, but lingering in the back of my mind, I still hear whispers of death promising me comfort and peace. I am so tired of feeling like this.
I've grown up with abusive parents. When i was 16 i kind of fleed from home and got shit together myself. I cut all contact, moved 750km away in another country and started working in the restaurant industry. By the age of 23 i met my now husband, he's 20yrs older than me and we both were poor but we had a great relationship . We married 2 yrs later and worked hard to pay off his debts. We tried to open up our own restaurant together but things just wouldn't come our way.. so we gave up. I was about to get some education so i wont have to work as a waitress all my life. Right then we were offered an amazing chance. We finally got a restaurant. Long story short. We made some good cash for us in 3 months. Working 16-18hrs day. So you must think, i got away very good. Yes i did. Until it turned out to be hell. Since we earned some money my husband turned out to be a completely different person.. He started treating me as if i was his servant. I do all the cleaning and washing in the restaurant cause its women work. I make the bread in the morning, sorting money, doing the paperwork, the websites, i do all the pre cooking and kitchen cleaning, when we're opened i do the service. I get up at 3.30 and work all day. While my husband gets celebrated to do the bare minimum of cooking. sitting and drinking with regulars. I just played along and stayed silent in front of the guests and employees but it got worse and worse. He started talking bad of me and the work i do to customers and emloyees. He treats my like a dog. Started cheating on me and gambling with our business money. It's humiliating. Now our restaurant is closed due to corona. And i can't even talk to him anymore, he's so aggressive and when i won't do his way he gets loud and so angry i get so scared I dont really know how to deal with it. I have nowhere to go. I'll lose my 'greencard' when i leave him. How and why has it turned out like this? Im again caged in hell. Theres this saying that money doesnt change people it just helps revealing who they really are. So girls choose wisely.. I, in fact, am a stupid bitch.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because I was unhappy and wanting to have freedom to see other people. I ended up letting him come back because I needed the other half of bills paid. Now I'm super unhappy again.
I feeling like i got no time to lose, and finally working very hard and doing what i could, but now with corona virus, there won't be any gyms for more than a year, and my dream might be crushed because of this, because i cannot afford one year of not learning. this is really terrible. i wish this would just end. this is a nightmare
so I've been texting this girl I met at a bus stop. I know she's in high school or middle school. she told me she's bad at math. so i gave her my number so i can teach her. at first it was about math then normal chat then love to give you a hug. then I can't wait to see you to i told my mom im spending the night at my friend's place so we can sleep together finally. we had so much fun that night.
China should be held accountable for the virus they created, accidently or not. And just now I saw in the news that the wild animals markets have just opened up again.
You know what I'm really pissed about right now? There are multiple influencers I'm following on Instagram, and because of the lockdown I've been watching all their stories more than usual because I'm bored. And all they post is "people, stay home, don't go outside, don't be selfish! We're all in this together" and angry rants about people they saw being outside nevertheless... But THEN they also post stories about themselves going on frickin vacations in some vacant hotels or visiting family in big ass villas with goddamn INDOOR POOLS. And I'm sitting here in my one bedroom apartment that's barely big enough to fit all my furniture in and have to endure them telling me that I'm selfish for wanting to go to the park to read a book. Influencers are so removed from life and they have no idea
I hope my now ex doesn't think I'm not going to turn her in for E-filling my tax returns, opening an online bank account in my name and stealing my federal tax return while I was in jail..... wonder how she's going to like prison?
My self hatred and my depression made me realise, that the really natural happy me, the one who was really happy with what I had/have, has died long ago. When I look into my mirror in the morning, I just see a broken version of me, unhappy with myself and what is happening around me. I look at me and see everything I hate about me... every detail of my body that I hate is clear for me to see and every bad thing I did and every bad trait I have are... just there... swirling in my head, visualizing in front of my eyes.... Most of the time I cry when I see myself in the mirror. I want to break it.... break it into thousands of little shards, each and every single one being so sharp that they would cut through my flesh in no time... relieving me from my existence in this world. A lot of questions circle around in my head.. What has happened? How did I fall so deep into this endless, dark and cold pit? Why can't I be the happy me again? Why do I want to die?