I secretly really fucking hate interracial couples, it's evil.
I don't think that I belong here in this world... often when I'm home alone or when I'm out, I think of the many ways that I could die. I hate myself to the extend of me thinking about every way possible of making my death quick and it afterwards being impossible to revive myself. Every day when I have to go out, I hope that I get hit by a car/bus. I just hope that a dumb driver isn't wathing the road and they accidentally hit me. I sometimes have to cross train tracks on my way home and every time I have to cross them, I just stand there, quiet, for about 5-10 minutes, hoping a train just randomly comes around and hits me. I live in a small village and the trains aren't always on time when they pass by our village. So I sometimes hope to be standing there and suddenly be swept away by the train. I just don't want to be alive anymore. I've grown to hate everything that made me happy once and I only fight with my relatives. I have the feeling that I'm more of a burden to them than they say. I think that I'm only doing things wrong and that everyone would be better off without me. I lost contact to almost all my friends, I don't have any real life friends that live close by. My friends are scattered all around the world and I know I will never get to see them. I know that my "friends" in school talk about me behind my back and they secretly make fun of me. I know that I'm not the prettiest. My self hate is killing me slowly from the inside. I know that I'm fat, ugly, lazy, moody and a lot more, but I've fallen into a deep hole of sadness and it's eating me up. I can't seem to get out of it and it scares me.... my mom wants to talk about it with me and she is super understanding, but when I try and tell her about it she is projecting it on her in the sense of what she would do and what would be best if she would be in my place. I told her that I have an appointment with a psychologist to talk about it, she understood. I went ahead afterwards and roughly told my mom what we talked about in the session, she told me that I should have talked about other things with my psychologist. She then asks me about a week later why I'm so moody and sad and why I'm not talking about it with her. I sometimes get the feeling that I'm not loved anymore. I often think that I and many others would be better off if I was dead. The only thing that keeps me here, is my boyfriend. He gives me the feeling of being completely loved and cared for. He tells me that I'm perfect in his eyes, with my flaws and all. He is there for me when I'm feeling down or when I'm crying. He is somewhat the only person that understands me and only the thought of losing him makes me cry. I love him so much because he is the one person that stands behind me no matter what I do. But I'm afraid that I'm going to loose him too eventually.... like everyone else. I just don't know what I'm doing here anymore.....
My younger sister got stronger then me and i am affraid of her because she is always so hyperactive and punching everything she sees and I'm her favorite target.
2020 started off really shitty and i have a feeling it's only going to get worse
My period came three days early. I shouldn't be surprised since I've been so angry and sad and tired lately, and craving sweets. But I'm mad because my boyfriend's birthday is this weekend... and now I can't give him birthday sex. He won't be upset, he'll tell me it's okay and we can make up for it later. And he's right. But I'm spending the night with him the night before and I was so looking forward to waking him up with a blowjob and then giving him the ride of his life. This whole week has just fucking sucked, my period coming early is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae.
I'm noticing that I'm starting to feel depressed. A lot of pets that i have loved died, one leaving theirselves in the middle of a fire to die bleed and eventually rot, I don't feel happy ever, I never actually laugh unless I think hard about what It was that would make me laugh. Also, a girl in my class hates me for some unknown reason. I only have three close friends and ones depressed, one of them is best friends with the girl who hates me and nice me didn't tell her what the girl has damaged because they were best friends, the last one is my bestfriend, she gets me, she understands me, and were both lesbian pieces of crap. I think I fit in at my new school at least, we all have problems. If you think I'm depressed please tell me, I can't even force a smile. Should I tell my mom?
i can't even confess in this app thinking its gonna be exposed one day
I worked at 10 hour shift yesterday. On my feet, tired, cold and hungry i get on the train for an hour ride home. Drunk white guy gets on, stinking and falling asleep and almost falling of his seat. All the other white passengers realise whats going on and come to his assistance. Waking him up when he almost falls off the chair, making sure he doesnt lose his phone which keeps slipping out of his hand, joking with him about how "he must have a been celebrating". When it gets to his stop, they help him off the train. The carriage is now stinking. A few new white passengers get on, notice the smell and I, the only brown skinned passenger get glared at and looks of disgust about the smell which they assume HAS to come from me. Perfect example of White priviledge.
I took a sharpie to my school's bathroom wall today. The vice principal was being an asshole, as she usually is to literally everyone at my school, and I pretty much wrote that she should go fuck herself. It will probably be painted over by tomorrow. Fine by me. Needed to get this off my chest real quick.
Dreamt about my ex again. It's been 5 years and I still fall for it. These days are the worst.