My ex friends are nothing like me, I see it now. All they want is to get drunk all the time and go to concerts. But I'll admit that I feel like a stranger around other people.
I hate that the volume of the startup sound, connection sound etc. in bluetooth headphones can't be controlled along with the regular volume control. It is too goddamn loud to be sounded literally right into my ears. Not to mention that the sounds themselves are annoying and unchangeable.
I have depression, ptsd, and gen. anxiety. but these things are manageable. I was treated for a while and I'm doing really fine. Now I do this research program thing for the summer and I never thought it caused me this much emotional damage. Well, this program gives us projects we can do that will be set in other countries and ironically the nature of my project breaks various rules of my program. Now I kept making my colleagues worried because they know what I do all the time and theyre telling the program coordinator that im breaking rules (meaning I will loose my job this summer and ill probably be kicked out of my college degree). my colleagues are frustrated with me. I understand because theyre also responsible for me and we're all responsible with each other. but I do believe it's not my fault. It's not my fault this project was given to me and I didnt get to choose because my program coordinator cancelled the former project I was into because he found out I have a physical disability (it was in a different country with a questionable environment). My program coordinator dont know the new project exactly.. Though I'm not here to break rules, Im here to learn and do research. Im here to do all of those things. Im not here to make friends either and please my colleagues (it's okay if they hate me). I just want to finish this program and move on. But Im so distressed that I wanna have a gap year. But I feel like that's bad (after gap research then I quit for a sem) for my reputation in the future. But tbh, I rather quit college than deal with life like this. I want freedom. I wanna fix my family issues first, my identity crises, and getting treated. Its okay i might destroy my life but its best I get treated before I actually try to take my life.
My boyfriend went to an open interview/job fair event at the place where we used to work. They denied him because he worked there two years ago and was fired for attendance because he got sick during training. He had the stomach flu! He was throwing up. Since the bathroom is halfway across the building from the training room, and you have to go through the break room where people eat, you really don't want someone throwing up there. People who were fired for misconduct and fraud got to come back after a year. I knew a girl who either quit or got fired, but still got to come back to the same project because her mom is a manager. I was fired for not meeting sales metrics for months and they still told me to reapply for another project in only 2 months. It's been well over 2 years and the attendance from illness was the only issue. The only reason he was in training at the time (and had stricter attendance rules) was because the project he was working for ended and they had to move everyone from that project to something else. He had no control over that and barely any warning it was happening. Good riddance to them. I'm never going back, unless it's the absolute last resort.
it sounds like a really stupid thing to complain about but it's actually really exhausting and self deprecating to have a (drop dead) gorgeous best friend. boys dont take a second glance at me, im not as witty or even remotely smart as her, i dont have the bubbly and nurturing personality for people to like me, and i certainly dont have her looks. I feel like every second with her is every second of my self esteem diminishing, i sound hella dramatic but keep in mind that i dont even have a stable mentality or even a self esteem to begin with. literally a second after i wrote that sentence i bursted into hyperventilating tears. i dont know whats wrong with me. i get these random fits of outbursts and i seem to sink deeper into this thing of feeling absolutely shitty and utterly worthless. it's easy to say that i'm jealous of her but i dont even think it's about that at this point, i guess i have self esteem issues, but it's hitting me way deeper. shes my best friend and i love her to death but sometimes being around her hurts . I can't even be mad at her, how could i? she makes it hard to. I haven't gone out for like months and i always come up with bs excuses but truth is, its hit me to the point where i feel so ugly and disgusting for the world and i'd rather be alone in my safe haven than to be exposed out there.
I feel a deep resentment towards my parents. it is almost as if I hate them. they both suck. I wish they will disappear from my life. they are toxic to me and my son.
I am trying to figure out what kind of plans I have in tow. I just had a baby with my hubby but only he works, so we live with my mom in law right now. He has a pretty good idea of how he wants the next at least 5 years planned out, not to the T, but pretty fucking close. I on the other hand, have no idea what I'm doing like 5 days from now. I didn't even really graduate. The story behind this is, I was going to this high school, I wore booty shorts under my JROTC uniform, and had a bunch of gay friends (my parents are oober religious, and I myself are a proud pansexual.) and somewho my parents found out and they pulled me out of school and started trying to "Christian" homeschool me. It was so confusing and tbh I cheated on alot of my books. Anyways, I did a bunch of books, but my dad had my running our insurance store all by my self alot, I preferred it like that even though it was super stressful, then I had to come home clean the kitchen, deal with the pets, make dinner, clean the kitchen and dining room table off, do homework, help get my nieces and nephews to bed, along with my older sister, who wasn't all there. Then I would clean up the rest of the house and water the grass, because for some reason that's when my dad told me to do it. I'd then go to bed and get up at 530, and get my sister up for school, as well as my nieces and nephews. The boys always took forever because ya know boy stuff lol Next I'd go downstairs to make my moms lunchbox for work ready, then I'd start making breakfast for everyone, and helping mostly my youngest nephew get dressed. After everyone ate, I'd go and clean the kitchen and do the pets again and help everyone make it to the bus, then I'd get ready and go to work to work all day for about $20 because my dad said I was only 15 and I didn't get to work for even minimum wage. That even though I did all this I was barely acknowledged that much, but you know its okay, because it could be worse, except for that it is a little bit worse, my dad would shower with me, when I was in trouble, if he didn't shower with me, he'd sit on the toilet across from the shower and just stare at me. When my mom went out for a funeral on her side, my dad stayed and got pretty buzzed and tried to finger me, I tried to leave but apparently he was trying to show me where to massage next on him, he didn't stop until my youngest niece walked in, then he practically tossed me off his bed and pretended like we were "playing" with me. I was almost raped by my brother while I was a virgin, the only thing that stopped him was I accidentally whimpered too loud and I was scared to move and it freaked him out, but he then got "ballsy" and would just touch my under my clothes while he jacked off next to my bed on my stuffed animals, then his cum on my pillow next to my face. He continued versions of this, from ages 14 to 16, it wasn't until I was 16, he tried to touch one of my nieces when they went camping. She told my dad and her dad (my brother), and they like beat the crap out of him, and kicked him out, but then my dad felt guilty and let him sleep in the office I worked in, it was our biggest store so we'd run it together, I would walk in and see lotion and tissues by my desk, it took my dad a couple months before he realized my brother was a perverted lil slob. Then my dad kicked him out , and his grandparents got him into the army to sit behind a desk and make money. They wouldn't tell me they were going to like dinner with him, but I would see their texts and hear them talking, and they would lie. Now, time to talk about my adopted mother, by the way this is about my adopted family, I was put in care with them when I was 3 and then adopted by them when I was 5. They told me god said they were meant to adopt me, a curly headed lil cutie, so they got me, I was separated from my half sis, because she was already adopted by my grandparents on either the side of my bio mom or bio dad, anyways since they arrested that grandpa, they sent my half sis back to my grandma. Anyways, back to something else, let's talk about my adopted mom, she was crazy and strict, I used to get swatted for leaving a hair brush out of place. She always over exaggerated everything when talking to my dad about me. I would tried to explain, and ik this sounds like teenage shit, but in all seriousness, I would get slapped everytime I tried to explain why I shouldn't be getting swatted, it sucked. It was all bare butt, hands around my ankles. Now let's talk about the time my dad decided my sister and I were stealing from him and he needed to do a cavity search in the back room of the office. What about the time I told my mom something she didn't agree with, I got smacked upside the head with a skillet, or how about the time my brother was ticked at my so he kicked my legs from out from under me and I hit my head on the edge of the counter, and your girls sat there crying and yelling at you. Or how about the countless times my mom and dad had my doing squats, mountain climbers, jumping Jack's or just standing by their bed, countless times I got literally no sleep because you found a dirty dish in the cabinet, or I used the dishwasher while you were at work. What about all the times, you accused me of stealing when you know it was probably Angel the whole time, but who did you try and starve out, me. Or when you shoved my face in my throw up if I didn't make it to the bathroom, or the time you actually made me swallow some of it,shoving back into my mouth, gagging me with those god awful nails, scratching the back of my throat. Okay, now how about the wonderful time you took a bottle of soap and sit on top of my holding my jaw down and gagging me with the soap, telling my the whole time how I'm such a disappointment and I'm so horrible. Now we talk about the great time we had, when you didn't let me or Gel eat, I was trying to sneak upstairs with oranges underneath my blanket, I never ratted Gel out, and in return you smashed the oranges in my face screaming at me while I lay on the ground crying and you "washing me off" by hold my face underneath the bath as I was flailing around and getting scared you'd finally pull me out from underneath. Granted I have some pretty good memories of growing up, but over all alot of them are shitty, now I try and grow, I'm trying to go back to church with my hubby and our baby, because I'm not going to let that family ruin another thing that makes me feel human and just safe. My hubby saved me from them, bet none of you knew haha probably because I never told none of you lol anyways, it all happend when him and I were coming back from a date and my dad called asked where we were because I got out past curfew on accident, and he sounded kinda sketch, and so i asked my babe to stay parked to close to the house just in case my dad was going to do something. I got home and my dad was looking for my cigarettes, I was already 18 so it wasn't illegal, but his mom, my grandma has copd so I get it was close to his stoned cold heart. Anyways, I didn't have any on me, but I had some stems from mj in an altoids case and he freaked out and told me since I cant be trusted and that I had to sleep on his bathroom floor, and I stood up for myself finally, but I shouldn't have because then he started swinging, and you know he was angry because this time it wasn't opened handed, it qs balled up fists and hard, swift kicks, he even choked me when I tried running out the back door, he tossed me inside, my nieces and nephews were all in that living room and saw everything, I tripped over my youngest nephew trying to get away from my dad, my nieces were crying and my mom was screaming at my dad telling him to just let me leave, he kept screaming at me telling me to go sleep on his bathroom floor, or he was going to call the cops on me, and I knew that a couple of stems weren't going to get me in trouble, so I yelled back to just call the cops on me, I didn't care, even if the cops had arrested me, jail would have been better then there. Anyways the cops came by, kinda chuckled when my dad showed them the altoids case, told him to flush the stuff and toss the case, then even though I was sitting across from my dad and the cop, pretty bloody and swollen, he asked if I was staying or leaving, and told him I'm leaving, that I'd been trying to get a different job and instead of working for him, then my dad started looking like i stabbed him in the back and all this shit, then the cop kept questioning and my hubby was sitting in the drive way and he was the one who gave me courage to leave, so I ran upstairs packed a small bag and left with him. The rest is a fairytale. Crazy huh, want to talk about the time I was molested by foster kids my parents were watching, there was 3 that would do, almost the same as my brother, then there was 2 teenage girls when I was 7 and 11 that would also do things to me hen I was younger. One of the girls would lean in and tell me that real penis is better and that one night before she was set to go to another home that her bugbiyfriend was going to sneak into our end and rape us and if we scream he'd hurt us really bad. Now about the time I thought it was "okay" or "normal" to try and "seduce" or like have "sex"with my sister who wasn't all there upstairs, all because I saw my dad watching what I now know was lesbian porn in his office. I'm pretty sure my dad is cheating on my mom but he buys her expensive things so that she'll stay with him and she does after all the bullshit and hurt. She gave away her chance to be in her grandsons life, all because I said my dad could come to the hospital but he could hold my son, she got like super hurt and said that were pretty much done like forever, and now for whatever reason, oh yeah ik, because they are the cheapest insurance, I now have insurance through them. Can anyone say Stockholm syndrome..? hahahahahaha oml my life has been crazy but surprisingly I'm finally happy and pretty close to being whole.
It's okay if you hate me, me either.
I had to give my roommate a highfive. On her face.
you always had your eyes on my best friend. I will never forgive you.