Its hard to love a person who hasnt not done yet loving someone else.
I've been unreasonably horny a lot lately, like really frequently, and it's pissing me off because I can't satisfy myself. I need a partner's help and I don't have one. Physical needs aside, I'm also craving the emotional connection... Damn I hate being single.
My ex sent me a YouTube link to a song called "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" and he followed it with a text saying "overdub yourself". The song is a dude singing about wanting to try again and begging his partner not to leave him. I think my ex thinks that's how I feel about him. So in response, I sent him a YouTube link to Taylor Swift's "White Horse", which is her saying she waited so long to be appreciated by her partner, but now that he finally sees what he's lost, it's too late for him and his white horse to come around, because the damage has already been done. Maybe my ex will finally catch my drift.
I don't know what brought it on, but my depression has suddenly come back full force after lying dormant for so long... I feel awful. I feel so alone and unwanted. All these terrible whispers keep intruding into my mind, telling me I'm worthless and everyone would be better off with me dead. I hate feeling this way. I know it's not true. ...Right?
I work at a union factory job. I like it there. And as a hobby, I do art on the side. The people at work have found out about this, and now every time some art-related event comes up... 10 different people feel the need to tell me about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that they think I'm actually good at art (I'm not) and it's nice of them to tell me about things they think I'll be interested in... but this also leads to me getting roped in to doing things I don't really want to do. For example: one of our beloved employees is retiring this month after 30 some odd years of service to our company. And they asked me to draw her a kind of poster for everyone to sign. I say "asked", but really, they just assumed I'd do it and told me to. And I love her to death and I'm happy to make something for her, but they only gave me two weeks' notice for an 18" x 24" piece, and I work all week, so I only have weekends to work on it, and last weekend something more urgent came up. So I now have to get this project done in two days. I hate this. I hate the pressure on me. I hate knowing that every person in my building will see this drawing and be analyzing and judging it. I hate that I didn't even get to decide what to draw, my mom completely commandeered the project; I'm just the pen and she's the author. (My mom works with me at this place.) So I'm not very passionate about this piece because it's not what I want to do. I feel like my creativity is being stifled. I hate that I'm just a machine to bring other people's ideas to life because they can't get it out on paper. I hate that my own ideas drown in the sea of other people telling me what to do, not just in art, but in life in general. I just hate it.
We humans are nothing but a fungus that exists in a big rock.
I feel I’m going to get stuck in an obsessive loop I hope I can convince myself otherwise before it happens :(
The older and more aware of the world I get, the more and more I hate being born as a woman. As much as I try to be positive, I can't find one single thing that I prefer about being female. Just to clear up any confusion: this isn't me saying that I'm trans. This also isn't me declaring that being a woman is shit and that everyone should hate it; I simply, with my own values, tastes and wishes, can't find any good thing in it. The constant fear when going anywhere at night. The periods. The pressure of wanting to look good. Having a slightly lower chance of having a good career. Having to go through carrying and giving birth to a child if you want one. Being judged for way more stuff than men are being judged for. The list goes on. I am bitter about this and I know I shouldn't be. But I am.
My wife gets these impulses, and she becomes a bitch in two seconds. They are out of nowhere. Fuck her when she does that fucking shit.
I go home from school tired, have research deadlines. I just want to watch a TV and rest. But here comes my mom, watches TV with me and all I hear is her rant about the skin tone, nose size, and stupidity of the characters in the tv then makes a generalized and opiniated statements about society from her observation from the TV. Most of them are bigoted, and discriminating abd says its the truth when she knows little about it.... Im just even more drained. Then my brother goes home would talk about his stress from work. Metaphorically speaking, their shit is like a person wearing dirty shoes from outdoors and will bring it inside a carpeted house and will make a clean carpet messy and harder to clean... and if I talk about my own problem, they find loopholes why im wrong... like if I do that situation to them, theyd be mad at me.. earlier, I was just watching tv and my mom, said to the character in the tv, "she has a tomato like nose but she's so nice.. if she could just be my daughter." Like im not doing anything, im just quiet wtf did I do?!?!?! Im confused with them..like i dont know anymore which is a joke and which is serious. I feel like living with crazy people and im getting drowned by them... if you tell them to stop joking theyd be all serious with an inner grudge. If you tell them to stop being too serious, theyd be joking and telling harsh things about me... im just extremely intoxicated with thede people.. theyre mental. I love them but im getting more depressed and anxious and i cant study well because people at home are crazy mental!!! Man i want help to escape this home and actually move out already.... i love my education but i really really really wanna be outta here!!!