even if i dont feel like i am, i hope all the little girls out there know how priceless and beautiful they are, i hope they get told that everyday so if a day comes they wouldn't for a second answer to anyone and doubt their worthiness.
it sounds like a really stupid thing to complain about but it's actually really exhausting and self deprecating to have a (drop dead) gorgeous best friend. boys dont take a second glance at me, im not as witty or even remotely smart as her, i dont have the bubbly and nurturing personality for people to like me, and i certainly dont have her looks. I feel like every second with her is every second of my self esteem diminishing, i sound hella dramatic but keep in mind that i dont even have a stable mentality or even a self esteem to begin with. literally a second after i wrote that sentence i bursted into hyperventilating tears. i dont know whats wrong with me. i get these random fits of outbursts and i seem to sink deeper into this thing of feeling absolutely shitty and utterly worthless. it's easy to say that i'm jealous of her but i dont even think it's about that at this point, i guess i have self esteem issues, but it's hitting me way deeper. shes my best friend and i love her to death but sometimes being around her hurts . I can't even be mad at her, how could i? she makes it hard to. I haven't gone out for like months and i always come up with bs excuses but truth is, its hit me to the point where i feel so ugly and disgusting for the world and i'd rather be alone in my safe haven than to be exposed out there.
I just had a nightmare that my wife had cheated on me back when I was young, poor, and unaccomplished. That's a bad image. Glad it's not real, but it ruined my morning.
I am trying to figure out what kind of plans I have in tow. I just had a baby with my hubby but only he works, so we live with my mom in law right now. He has a pretty good idea of how he wants the next at least 5 years planned out, not to the T, but pretty fucking close. I on the other hand, have no idea what I'm doing like 5 days from now. I didn't even really graduate. The story behind this is, I was going to this high school, I wore booty shorts under my JROTC uniform, and had a bunch of gay friends (my parents are oober religious, and I myself are a proud pansexual.) and somewho my parents found out and they pulled me out of school and started trying to "Christian" homeschool me. It was so confusing and tbh I cheated on alot of my books. Anyways, I did a bunch of books, but my dad had my running our insurance store all by my self alot, I preferred it like that even though it was super stressful, then I had to come home clean the kitchen, deal with the pets, make dinner, clean the kitchen and dining room table off, do homework, help get my nieces and nephews to bed, along with my older sister, who wasn't all there. Then I would clean up the rest of the house and water the grass, because for some reason that's when my dad told me to do it. I'd then go to bed and get up at 530, and get my sister up for school, as well as my nieces and nephews. The boys always took forever because ya know boy stuff lol Next I'd go downstairs to make my moms lunchbox for work ready, then I'd start making breakfast for everyone, and helping mostly my youngest nephew get dressed. After everyone ate, I'd go and clean the kitchen and do the pets again and help everyone make it to the bus, then I'd get ready and go to work to work all day for about $20 because my dad said I was only 15 and I didn't get to work for even minimum wage. That even though I did all this I was barely acknowledged that much, but you know its okay, because it could be worse, except for that it is a little bit worse, my dad would shower with me, when I was in trouble, if he didn't shower with me, he'd sit on the toilet across from the shower and just stare at me. When my mom went out for a funeral on her side, my dad stayed and got pretty buzzed and tried to finger me, I tried to leave but apparently he was trying to show me where to massage next on him, he didn't stop until my youngest niece walked in, then he practically tossed me off his bed and pretended like we were "playing" with me. I was almost raped by my brother while I was a virgin, the only thing that stopped him was I accidentally whimpered too loud and I was scared to move and it freaked him out, but he then got "ballsy" and would just touch my under my clothes while he jacked off next to my bed on my stuffed animals, then his cum on my pillow next to my face. He continued versions of this, from ages 14 to 16, it wasn't until I was 16, he tried to touch one of my nieces when they went camping. She told my dad and her dad (my brother), and they like beat the crap out of him, and kicked him out, but then my dad felt guilty and let him sleep in the office I worked in, it was our biggest store so we'd run it together, I would walk in and see lotion and tissues by my desk, it took my dad a couple months before he realized my brother was a perverted lil slob. Then my dad kicked him out , and his grandparents got him into the army to sit behind a desk and make money. They wouldn't tell me they were going to like dinner with him, but I would see their texts and hear them talking, and they would lie. Now, time to talk about my adopted mother, by the way this is about my adopted family, I was put in care with them when I was 3 and then adopted by them when I was 5. They told me god said they were meant to adopt me, a curly headed lil cutie, so they got me, I was separated from my half sis, because she was already adopted by my grandparents on either the side of my bio mom or bio dad, anyways since they arrested that grandpa, they sent my half sis back to my grandma. Anyways, back to something else, let's talk about my adopted mom, she was crazy and strict, I used to get swatted for leaving a hair brush out of place. She always over exaggerated everything when talking to my dad about me. I would tried to explain, and ik this sounds like teenage shit, but in all seriousness, I would get slapped everytime I tried to explain why I shouldn't be getting swatted, it sucked. It was all bare butt, hands around my ankles. Now let's talk about the time my dad decided my sister and I were stealing from him and he needed to do a cavity search in the back room of the office. What about the time I told my mom something she didn't agree with, I got smacked upside the head with a skillet, or how about the time my brother was ticked at my so he kicked my legs from out from under me and I hit my head on the edge of the counter, and your girls sat there crying and yelling at you. Or how about the countless times my mom and dad had my doing squats, mountain climbers, jumping Jack's or just standing by their bed, countless times I got literally no sleep because you found a dirty dish in the cabinet, or I used the dishwasher while you were at work. What about all the times, you accused me of stealing when you know it was probably Angel the whole time, but who did you try and starve out, me. Or when you shoved my face in my throw up if I didn't make it to the bathroom, or the time you actually made me swallow some of it,shoving back into my mouth, gagging me with those god awful nails, scratching the back of my throat. Okay, now how about the wonderful time you took a bottle of soap and sit on top of my holding my jaw down and gagging me with the soap, telling my the whole time how I'm such a disappointment and I'm so horrible. Now we talk about the great time we had, when you didn't let me or Gel eat, I was trying to sneak upstairs with oranges underneath my blanket, I never ratted Gel out, and in return you smashed the oranges in my face screaming at me while I lay on the ground crying and you "washing me off" by hold my face underneath the bath as I was flailing around and getting scared you'd finally pull me out from underneath. Granted I have some pretty good memories of growing up, but over all alot of them are shitty, now I try and grow, I'm trying to go back to church with my hubby and our baby, because I'm not going to let that family ruin another thing that makes me feel human and just safe. My hubby saved me from them, bet none of you knew haha probably because I never told none of you lol anyways, it all happend when him and I were coming back from a date and my dad called asked where we were because I got out past curfew on accident, and he sounded kinda sketch, and so i asked my babe to stay parked to close to the house just in case my dad was going to do something. I got home and my dad was looking for my cigarettes, I was already 18 so it wasn't illegal, but his mom, my grandma has copd so I get it was close to his stoned cold heart. Anyways, I didn't have any on me, but I had some stems from mj in an altoids case and he freaked out and told me since I cant be trusted and that I had to sleep on his bathroom floor, and I stood up for myself finally, but I shouldn't have because then he started swinging, and you know he was angry because this time it wasn't opened handed, it qs balled up fists and hard, swift kicks, he even choked me when I tried running out the back door, he tossed me inside, my nieces and nephews were all in that living room and saw everything, I tripped over my youngest nephew trying to get away from my dad, my nieces were crying and my mom was screaming at my dad telling him to just let me leave, he kept screaming at me telling me to go sleep on his bathroom floor, or he was going to call the cops on me, and I knew that a couple of stems weren't going to get me in trouble, so I yelled back to just call the cops on me, I didn't care, even if the cops had arrested me, jail would have been better then there. Anyways the cops came by, kinda chuckled when my dad showed them the altoids case, told him to flush the stuff and toss the case, then even though I was sitting across from my dad and the cop, pretty bloody and swollen, he asked if I was staying or leaving, and told him I'm leaving, that I'd been trying to get a different job and instead of working for him, then my dad started looking like i stabbed him in the back and all this shit, then the cop kept questioning and my hubby was sitting in the drive way and he was the one who gave me courage to leave, so I ran upstairs packed a small bag and left with him. The rest is a fairytale. Crazy huh, want to talk about the time I was molested by foster kids my parents were watching, there was 3 that would do, almost the same as my brother, then there was 2 teenage girls when I was 7 and 11 that would also do things to me hen I was younger. One of the girls would lean in and tell me that real penis is better and that one night before she was set to go to another home that her bugbiyfriend was going to sneak into our end and rape us and if we scream he'd hurt us really bad. Now about the time I thought it was "okay" or "normal" to try and "seduce" or like have "sex"with my sister who wasn't all there upstairs, all because I saw my dad watching what I now know was lesbian porn in his office. I'm pretty sure my dad is cheating on my mom but he buys her expensive things so that she'll stay with him and she does after all the bullshit and hurt. She gave away her chance to be in her grandsons life, all because I said my dad could come to the hospital but he could hold my son, she got like super hurt and said that were pretty much done like forever, and now for whatever reason, oh yeah ik, because they are the cheapest insurance, I now have insurance through them. Can anyone say Stockholm syndrome..? hahahahahaha oml my life has been crazy but surprisingly I'm finally happy and pretty close to being whole.
im in love with billie eilish and im only 13.i love the way she sings talks how funny she is and she is sooooooooooooooo sexy OMG.the bad thing is that she is sooo famous so there isn't a very good chance i could meet her.But i feel like i am going to meet her i just have too.A lot of people think that the billie eilish fandom is annoying and they are annoying. i hate them but i feel different from them.i dont care if you dont like her .everyone is entitled to their own opinion. i just want one moment alone with her no cameras no other fans just me and billie.
I'm so damn lonely and touch starved. I just want to love someone and be loved back. Everyone I know has someone to call their own, except for me. And it hurts. I'm tired of being alone all the time, and I'm tired of getting constantly rejected. All my friends tell me I'm pretty and funny and so nice and that any guy or girl would be lucky to have me! ...but no one wants me. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I wish my girlfriend didn't live so far away. I've been really horny lately but I can't get myself off, I need a partner. Plus I just miss her. I just want to be around her. I'd love nothing more than for her to fuck me until I beg for mercy and then cuddle with me until we both fall asleep.
I love to observe people. It's so amusing how everyone's expressions are different from one another. The way someone scrunshes their nose when they are confused while another scratchs their arm. The way they use their hands to express themselves. The way people have little lisps or how some breath deeply before they respond to a question that challenges them. It's so eye catching. I sometimes get so entertained that I forget that I have to respond back when I'm talking to someone. I was always a listener than a talker. People yelling me their stories are amazing. The way they ended up in their current position always inspires me. It's probably weird for some people but I don't mind. Just by observing, my heartbeat slowls down and i become calm.
Guy's getting pissed when your girlfriend or wife or any female doesn't want to have sex is bullshit and can very easily go from anger to rape. You are not entitled to a woman's body ever.
It's been two months since my cat went missing. Sorry to post about this again but I miss her so much, and it's so hard to bear the possibility of not seeing her again. She could have been eaten by a lynx or a wolverine and I'd never find out... I really hope not. The other chance is that someone could have stolen her to keep as their own. I really hope that's it. I just hope she is happy, whatever the casd... I believe she's in heaven if she's dead. She had been with me for eight years, since I was thirteen and she was barely a year old... I wonder if I was a good caretaker. I definitely smothered her with affection too much. She did like to sit on my lap or to be petted, but didn't like to be held - arms around her probably felt too restraining - but I sometimes held her anyway. And the time she had fleas, I didn't treat it right away. And now, I feel like I'm not doing enough to find her. My sister posted about it on our town's facebook group, and I put posters on all three grocery stores that our town has, but not everyone might look at those bulleting boards. Everyone doesn't use facebook either. I should probably put a notice in the town newspaper too. Please be alright, kitty...