I just wish I had a hand to hold at the funeral today. It seemed like everybody there had someone with them but me. I so desperately want the comfort of a partner, not just at this difficult time, but all the time. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I have no support.
I need opinions if I'm mentally ill or not. I've been through alot in life and was with my ex(first boyfriend) for about 4 going on 5 years. he hurt me and did alot of horrible things to me but because I never actually acknowledged them...they have started to affect me lately. we have been broken up for 3 years now. he died in 2015...and raped me before he died...i blurred out the memory and pretended it didn't happen...after he died he kind of ruined my reputation to everyone. he made me.out to be a horrible person and a whore and I've never been with anyone but.him. I would literally give him the clothes off my back. not saying I'm perfect but I definitely treated him better than I treated myself and most likely everyone else. I prayed about it and thought I had moved on but it still bothers me. he also had his side chick stalking me at the time way b4 he died(at the time I didn't know she was his side chick). her and one of the other girl he was seeing during the time we were together started taunting me and spreading horrible rumors and lies about me.i. ignored them. his friends who tried to hit on me and I ignored then turned on me also. I held alot of resentment towards all of them for a while. for his side chick bothering me, and his friends spreading lies, saw him cheating, laughing in my face,letting him use their car to cheat,etc I always felt the need to destroy all of them and get my revenge but I know karma will take care of that. sometimes I feel a little psycho because whenever a female gets too close to my current bf or does something I feel inappropriate,I feel rate inside and I don't want to feel that way.its not that I'm insecure but I just don't want to lose someone precious...i have no one else :/
I want to come out to my family as bisexual. But I want to have a reason to, meaning I want a girlfriend. I don't want to just, out of the blue, tell them. I want to say "She is my girlfriend. I'm bisexual." I want them to see that I can actually love someone of the same sex, and that my attraction to girls is not just some kind of twisted desperation for attention. I'm just so tired of hiding who I am.
My boyfriend and I talked about engagement rings lately, and when I said that I'd rather want a $5 ring from some fashion store (because it doesn't make a difference to me), he said that this is absolutely not okay for him and that he'd not buy one for under $100. We aren't rich. We both earn minimum wage. I don't know how to convince him that it would make me more sad than happy if he buys me an expensive ring, he just won't listen. We have so different opinions on this, for him it's like a cheap ring would be a sign that he doesn't love me, for me an expensive one is like burning a 100 Dollar bill.
Sometimes I take risqué photos or nudes just to look at them and then delete them. It makes me feel cute or pretty to take those pictures and see that I can, in fact, look nice, and it reminds me that maybe someone else will find me pretty too. It helps me not hate myself.
I know that my boyfriend doesn't like the kind of presents I make - self made and a lot of small cute things rather than one big thing. He's just too practical for that. But I love making these kind of presents, so so much - I honestly do it for myself just as much (sometimes even more) than for the person I give it to. I don't know if I'm selfish for giving him "my" kind of presents rather than the kind he wants. (For the record: I still try to get him something he can use and enjoy.)
Some things you need to just let go. Controlling situations and people should be avoided, unless it's a harmful or life or death situation. Focus on controlling yourself.
Fuck you. You could have asked too. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I gotta move on. You torture me.
I came home from a pretty disappointing day at work and found my fiance did all the dishes, all the laundry (including the bedding), swept and mopped the floors, and took the trash out. I didn't even have to ask. I was fully planning to do that stuff tomorrow on my day off. But he wanted me to be able to relax. And while he was putting my laundry away, he found my journal. He wrote a sweet note in it for me. No judgement at all for what I wrote, just love and support. I'm so happy I have a man like him in my life. Everyone deserves someone like him.
I wonder if you know that half these Taylor Swift songs you catch me singing along to are the ones that make me think of you.