When I was about 18, I was just starting to figure out my sexuality and I was just beginning to come to terms with my attraction to women. I developed a crush on one of my close friends, and I ended up telling her about it even though I knew she didn't like me back. She was nice about it, she actually said she was flattered, but just wasn't gay. Flash forward to today, 4 years later. This friend and I aren't as close as we used to be, but we still care about each other a lot, adulting just got in the way of being able to spend time together. She messages me today and says she's now dating a mutual friend of ours... who is a girl. I'm really happy for them, and honestly I think they're great for each other. But I can't help but feel the tiniest bit jealous. Like why couldn't you have realized you were bi when I had a crush on you? But, I'm glad she's finally figured out who she is and I'm glad they ended up together. I just can't help but wonder if me confessing my love for her actually made her contemplate her sexuality or if it led to this somehow. Guess I'll never know.
i feel bad for bill cosby, i cried for him. I saw his picture from jail and i saw sadness and a lostness in his eyes. I can't say whether or not i really believe he did all that. of course if he did he should be in jail and those women deserve justice but still its all a tragedy. I am a victim of child sex abuse, by my own father, when they investigated i had complcated feelings about cooperating with law enforcement. i was still a minor when i told my therapist who reported him. my dad denied it (he used to do it when i was asleep .. he even gave me alcohol at 11 so i'd pass out and i wouldn 't be able to tell what happened) I lost my freaking mind due to stress from the silence and being away at a prep school during junior year (college application pressures) my dad was no help in fact he turned my own family against me, he refused to pay for college so i didn't go. I lost all my friends cause they were moving on, I even was reduced to sleeping with men for money because I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in our house, I couldn't find a job because my self esteem was too low to acknowledge any skills I had, I lost my faith in God. I met ppl in that time who seemed angelic, who loved me when i was a shameful embarassing weak person! I am going back to school this week! i have a full time job with benefits that ive been at for 2 years. I have savings I have credit I have someone waiting at home for me, I have friends! i have my mother and my siblings back! and my nieces and nephews...God came back into my life and made so many changes that i waited for for ten years, all along the way people put me down and took advantage of me, they made fun of my situation, they laughed and convinced me nothing would change. especially my own father. Anyway someone prayed for me the entire time even when ididn't believe, and i wasn't happy with myself and made bad choices. I hope God can do the same for my dad. I honestly think someone molested him as a boy too. and I just have compassion for the victims and bill because who knows what is on his soul that he would ever even need to commit such vile acts to derive pleasure out of life. and if he is innocent?! imagine the turmoil in his soul to be outcast and shamed and mocked humiliated and stripped of everything u know u are... Sin is so sad. Look what it does to all of us and our families and our communities and the world and those that look up to us, rely on us. It's made me take a took at myself...not miscount all the little ways that i can be contributing to very big heartbreaks that affect everyone with even the smallest acts of ego and selfishness. I hope everyone can just be more loving and not persecute each other. Look at each other and see the children we all once were, who had dreams of being something better. that's what we are.
Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain... Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down. Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around, cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile.
I like you B, I really really really like you B. Your curly blond hair is the most beautiful thing in this world. Your eyes and your smile. I always get excited seeing you every week. I just can't tell you that because you're my TA and you're straight probably. But it's okay I wish I could be friends with you at least B. Right I just want to learn from you not really be with you. Because I love my success too.
Love songs make me feel conflicted because I love to hear them and I enjoy the music, but they also make me sad because I don't have the kind of love that people sing about, and I worry that I never will. I know nothing in life can be perfect, and love isn't ever going to be a fairytale, but like when I hear the song Perfect by Ed Sheeran... I wish I had someone who loved me as much as Ed loves his wife. I wish I had a lover who would dance with me in the dark, barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite songs. I wish I had a lover who would dance with me all night long, the moon like a spotlight on the lake. I wish I had a love that could be heard in the silence, felt on the way home, and seen with the lights out. I just want to be loved by someone who wants to share happy moments.
Today was my birthday and the best thing that happend was that my coworker (teammate, we work as set team as paramedics and spend like 50 hours each week glued together) called me shortly after midnight. She told me I was the best shift Partner she could hope for and such things. The rest of my birthday was more or less depressing.... but I could not get her out of my head. This started some days ago as another coworker mentioned that he feels vibes between us, and wanted to know if there is more, and as I declined, he asked if I would be interessted in more, I must have smiled in a way that answered all his questions. He thinks we would match good.... But even before that moment I started thinking more and more about my coworker, she is my little princess, and she knows that. All in all it feels like I am getting feelings for her, I stopped searching for love half a year ago and now that..... but I don't know how to behave now... I made not a single good experience with women in my life. I am still a virgin at 24 now, all women I came closer to played with my feelings and I have trust issues. I trust my little princess , but I don't trust myself, and I don't know how much of my feelings are a result of beeing lonely all my life......
My boyfriend went out with a girl yesterday. She is the "friends with benefits" of his best friend and they had already hung out a few times, the three of them I mean, and apparently got along so well that she wanted to do something with my boyfriend alone. I don't think she has any foul intentions (I'm even quite sure that she's in love with the other guy) and I trust my boyfriend that he'd never cheat. However, there are things that go beyond trust - after all, you can control whether you cheat, but not whether you fall in love with someone else. I first was quite pissed when he told me that they're going to hang out, but didn't tell him because I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I continued to be irritated when I heard that they're going to our favourite bar. Today, when I saw that the two had been out until 5 in the morning, I felt like I was going to be sick. When I go out with him, we usually are home again at midnight, 1 am tops. I now have the feeling that he had more fun with her than he can have with me, and am afraid that he now has doubts in our relationship. Of course I'm going to tell him how I feel, but I doubt it will help much.
Looking for FWB around Jaksel-Depok, anyone? M20
I wish she knew I existed.
It's 6:08 am. I'm making coffee. I'm sitting in a half dark living room apartment, waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. I keep thinking if I'll ever be good enough for anyone, and when I will get to, really, rest.