I am underweight now. I've always been skinny but healthy, until now. I know it's because I almost don't eat lately - I eat only a little amount, or skip meals, some days I literally only eat an apple for dinner or a chocolate bar, nothing else. I don't do it on PURPOSE. I don't WANT to be thin. In fact, I'd love to be more chubby. I just forget to eat because I'm not hungry. I don't have set eating times due to my schedule, so I usually eat when I'm feeling hungry. But I never feel so lately. Or only sometimes, if a whole day without food has passed. And even then I can only eat a children's portion. I am terribly afraid, because I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to go to a doctor, they'll just think I'm anorexic, which I'm not. I don't WANT to be thin after all.
I want to kill myself. But if I did, my family would be sad so no. Fuck, I should be grateful that I even have a family. They're so kind. But why do I still feel empty. Are feelings an illusion that doesn't matter? I don't know that at all, I'm just really ashamed.
I miss my math teacher in junior high school :(
35 yr old male, never even had a first kiss let alone a girlfriend.
But I already knew the answer. I just didn't want to accept it.
I'm having social anxiety. I'm tired so tired I don't know if I can do this anymore.
this world doesn't want me, this world doesn't needs me
I'm mean and judgmental and I find stupid reasons to justify lashing out at people. I have to change my behavior.
I'm so jealous of pretty girls. You can get smart by reading books but when you're ugly, you have to fix it by going under the knife.
I've never been so close to driving the edge of the blade into my skin.... It's been years...