found myself walking through the cemetery. Never in my life have I wanted so bad to find the same peace I see but for the 1st time I actually have something to live for.
I am in a relatively fresh relationship. My boyfriend is a musician (he writes and sings songs), even a fairly successful one. You won't know who he is because he's mostly famous in our area and age group. Well, a thing I have a big problem with is the lyrics of his songs. Almost every single song is about a girl. Either an ex-girlfriend, or a crush he had, or some one night stand. His texts are often quite explicit content, so some of the songs are literally about him having sex with those women. It's not like I'm judging that - before we dated, I loved his songs. I listened to them all the time and supported him and loved his creativity. But since we're a couple, listening to that stuff makes me sick. And I can't just "not listen to it anymore". First of all, I still remember all those texts. And then it's quite hard to be a supportive girlfriend if you have the urge to leave the room every time your boyfriend does what he loves most (which is singing). He also wants me to be there whenever he has a gig. I don't know how to handle this jealousy. I feel like this is going to ruin our relationship.
In highschool I didnt give a f*ck if you didnt liked me, if you thought I was ugly or hell I didnt care about comparing myself to other females who where prettier then me. Now I am 25 and I feel like I have hit this mile stone sooo late. I look at other beautiful females and just think I wish I could look like that. I now worry about people liking me or not liking me. I worry about how others see me. I dont want to be the bad guy. I want to be good. I want to be liked. I want to have friends. But now I worry so much it have givin me bad anxiety. So bad that I over think everything. How a person reacts when I talk to them. How they move. How their face makes their expressions and honestly it f*ckin sucks.
She's the girl everyone wants to be around, that everyone loves. Everyone's wants to be with her, but out of everyone she picks me to talk to, to hang out with, it makes me sad. Why? Because I do not deserve her. I love her truly, and it is hurts me but I have been separating myself from her. Even before this.. covid 19 stuff. She deserves better, and when you love someone you do what's right for them. She doesnt understand and someone told me she's upset that I have been distant, it hurts me so much, I've never felt pain like this, and I've been through a lot. My chest feels extremely heavy and tight, almost like what I'd expect heartbreak to feel like, but there is someone out there for her who is everything she deserve, smart, hard working, handsome, kind, loving. But.. not everyone wins.. there's always a loser. I dont know if she will ever understand but I think she'll get over me. Everyone in my life has.. my mom, my sister.. my old friends.. I didn't deserve them.. I let them all go. I wish things could be different.. I'm tired of being lonely.. but I dont deserve good people like them.
Quarantine is a time you realize white women have 3 personalities that they cycle trough : drinking wine, painting a wall and yoga.
earlier today I was at target getting a new gaming headset. when I saw this short light skinned girl. she was so sexy her booty was so perfect she was skinny an fit. I was undressing her with my eyes. I knew i had to take her home with me. so I approached her an started complementing her. then I told her that her booty looks so yummy. when she giggled I knew I had her. so I sweet talked her into coming home with me. I ate her pussy for 30 mins an fucked her an hour. it was amazing she told me to grab her phone from her purse. an I saw the one thing I didn't want to see. she could've been married I would've been fine with it. but I saw her high school ID she was a 9th grader. i asked her she got so scared an I told her you should've said something. I was sitting naked still holding her. kinda got turned on about it.
My mom watches coronavirus updates all day. Every. Fucking. Day. I'm so fucking tired of it. She turns the volume on her phone way up, so I have to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I want to stay updated in the sense that I want to know what the rules are in my state, and I want to know any updates on how we can prevent or treat this virus. I don't care about anything else. I don't care where the most recent case was, I don't care how many people died today. I'm sad that it's happening, I'm not apathetic to it, but I don't need to hear those numbers. It's hurting my mental health. The whole thing is just making me sad and angry, especially because I can't do anything about it. All this negativity is poison. And I'm even MORE tired of hearing people making guesses and spreading misinformation. I don't want to hear their speculation. I only want concrete scientific facts. I'm just so tired of all this.
I have to work from home currently. Started staying home 2 or 3 weeks ago... I think it was 3. I can't be monitored, I was basically given multiple projects and once the quarantine is over, I have to hand in my results. And I haven't done A. Single. Thing. All I've been doing the past weeks is switching between laying on the couch and on the bed, eat junk food, play video games and take walks from my front door to the trash cans and back. I have depression and am generally a lazy piece of ass, so this whole situation is really hard for me. I can't bring myself to do any work if I don't immediately have to. I know that once this thing is over, I will face a load of problems. I hate myself
My depression has been really bad lately. I'm so stressed that I'm craving cigarettes even though I've never smoked. I had a full mental breakdown yesterday and cried myself to sleep, fighting thoughts of self hatred and worthlessness. I don't want to kill myself, but lingering in the back of my mind, I still hear whispers of death promising me comfort and peace. I am so tired of feeling like this.
I've grown up with abusive parents. When i was 16 i kind of fleed from home and got shit together myself. I cut all contact, moved 750km away in another country and started working in the restaurant industry. By the age of 23 i met my now husband, he's 20yrs older than me and we both were poor but we had a great relationship . We married 2 yrs later and worked hard to pay off his debts. We tried to open up our own restaurant together but things just wouldn't come our way.. so we gave up. I was about to get some education so i wont have to work as a waitress all my life. Right then we were offered an amazing chance. We finally got a restaurant. Long story short. We made some good cash for us in 3 months. Working 16-18hrs day. So you must think, i got away very good. Yes i did. Until it turned out to be hell. Since we earned some money my husband turned out to be a completely different person.. He started treating me as if i was his servant. I do all the cleaning and washing in the restaurant cause its women work. I make the bread in the morning, sorting money, doing the paperwork, the websites, i do all the pre cooking and kitchen cleaning, when we're opened i do the service. I get up at 3.30 and work all day. While my husband gets celebrated to do the bare minimum of cooking. sitting and drinking with regulars. I just played along and stayed silent in front of the guests and employees but it got worse and worse. He started talking bad of me and the work i do to customers and emloyees. He treats my like a dog. Started cheating on me and gambling with our business money. It's humiliating. Now our restaurant is closed due to corona. And i can't even talk to him anymore, he's so aggressive and when i won't do his way he gets loud and so angry i get so scared I dont really know how to deal with it. I have nowhere to go. I'll lose my 'greencard' when i leave him. How and why has it turned out like this? Im again caged in hell. Theres this saying that money doesnt change people it just helps revealing who they really are. So girls choose wisely.. I, in fact, am a stupid bitch.