finally im re-united with my bong, i woke up taking hits and am stoned, just had lunch and gonna smoke a phat ass bowl.. its a little dab bong, so its not good for flower, but i broke my beaker bong, i loved it so much and i really miss it, i hope i can get some money soon and buy another one
the girl i wanted to see wasnt at practice today, and my arm hurty from a thing someone did on me, it was rough today, im very sad, does anyone ever feel like breaking down and cry a lot and that u just need a frickin hug and someone to show some care for u
im kinda starting to have a crush on a training partner at first i thought she was being like a lil flirtyish with me but then i realized she does talk with everyone a lot and she probably dont like me, but then its me who starting to like her instead a little :/ she be looking pretty frickin fine and its tough i dont really like to do drills with her im afraid of a embarassing situation but coach keeps putting us together cuz were same weight.
update i smoked the joint and walked alone at night and was not robbed, but it was a lil sketchy. it was good tho i got to think a lot and feel better
its already late but i think im gonna go for a little walk and smoke a joint. hope i dont get robbed or smth that would suck t----t
my mum as a whole, is a good person with nothing but good intentions for people (most of the time). shes loved by everyone and is considered an angel for her charity work, but it's funny how that juxtaposes to how she's made me (own fucking child) more sad, insecure and heartbroken than anyone has ever made me feel in my entire life. my brother told me to forgive her, because apparently he did and it's always better to be the bigger person and i quote "shes an adult with the heart of a child, she needs to be loved too" . and i guess that worked out in his favour, they're closer than ever . but how do i forgive someone that hasn't even said sorry to anything before, how am i supposed to love someone that caused these ugly fucking scars i put on myself, how am i supposed to care for someone that made me resent the world and resent being alive. i don't and never cry to anything else, but she's the reason i pray to god everynight sobbing to my pillow wishing i wind up dead in the morning. please be kind to your kids.
I hate being alive, live is shit. It is now during the pandemic and it was before like way before. I'm talking about two decades on not achieving anything at all.
Im embarassed how long it took me to realize how much ur food affects ur whole body but especially ur most important organ, ur brain... when u living on serious insulin spike life style and when ur eating that crazy bad shit like cookies which i was eating everyday and flour products with dye and candy of all kinds ur brain is shit and ur mental health is shit at least mine was maybe its just me then but wow it was bad like i dont wanna feel like a zombie u know, and i was, probably almost becoming diabetic too, and body is breaking down from inflammation since i moved back im eating only whole foods and its been better, last 2 days i binged on shit tho and i feel like shit and my mental health took a dip so bad , im writing here just ranting since this site exists lol like a diary, maybe the writing is good and helps me understand my feelings better and i dont feel like eating shit today
my friend who i was gonna go with to the tournament just was state champion, he says this year there was less ppl and no one trained as much as we did, he said i would have won medal too if i had went and im really frickin depressed bad, im a bum i never competed in anything, i have nothing to show for all the stuff i do and learn, when u have some metal ppl acknowledge u as athlete and ur not bum anymore, he's competing with blue belts btw i would compete with white belts, i roll with him and we go back and forth i want a prize so badly... i feel like why doesnt it work out always? this is 2 years on a row that something so i cant compete in time, and now for the next one i have to fly on plane which is like what if it falls ... but im so tired of being a bum, and having nothing, i have to go there and if i die its ok i guess at least i was trying i cant stand not trying anymore, i just want to be someone cool who does things and goes places, just like someone that i admire a lot
theres another competition in december and its an even bigger one and i have to travel to rio de janeiro!!!!!!!!! im so excited i hope it works out this time!!!!!! wish me good luck guys