No matter how much you said you'll keep in contact for you will ALWAYS fall out at the end. It's sad but I guess that's life, sooner or later they'll just become a pure bittersweet distant memory. That's the ugly side of post high school.
It's been a crazy few months and thing are changing so rapidly I can barely stop to breath. I'm excited, I'm scared and I don't know if I'll be okay. This might sound like an exaggeration but I really hope I stay alive by the end of the year.
God forgive me for saying this but I don't want to deal with my mum's bullshit anymore. I'm done. It's NOT a phase, I meant it when I said it. I mean I love her and all she's still my mum but she can be too much to bear sometimes, it makes it harder than it already is to love her. I actually wish it was only me that feels this way. The longer I stay with her the worse it gets. I don't even care if I come to regret this later on but it needs to be said; I. DON'T. CARE. WHAT. HAPPENS. TO. HER.
My boyfriend's bestfriend is gay. He did told me once he was chasing her before until she came out gay. His bestie have a gf, but tbh, I kinda get jealous sometimes on the way they talk. I mean they're even moving to another state and live together as roomates. And idk why I'm jealous when I shouldn't be. They know each other for so long, they had a bond and I can't make him talk to her less because it's so selfish of me to do that. I can't see him sad and eventually start to dislike me because I'm isolating him to his friends. I can't do that to him. Plus our relationship is still new and if I'd be on his shoes, I'd choose my friends who I had bonded long with, over some girl who I just met off dating app and later decided to be steady with. And tbh, I try my best to make him live his life the way it is, I try not to see him everyday (only text him) because I don't want his life to revolve only around me. And that goes for me as well. I have work, school, and hobbies. Although I'm desperately in need of friends. Sometimes I think about it, maybe I feel jealous because I don't really have friends. I still do have so many baggages from the past and I have recently worked on that when I met him. My depression, anxiety, insecurities, lies, and acceptance. I have recently worked them off as why I'm now ready to make some friends. It took me 8 years to work on my problems too. But now this jealousy, it's so new to me and I'm scared that I should've started relationships with him in the first place. I could've worked on myself first. And regrets... Having it less in my life is what I'm lacking. I also lack descisiveness...
I don't have a group of friends or close friends. I'm mostly alone and I don't connect to people easily. My boyfriend on the otherhand has many friends. Pretty social guy and I'm honestly insecure and jealous of his social life.
I want a boyfriend but Italy is homophobic. I'm so fucking tired of living.
I really want a boyfriend but Italy is homophobic as hell. And I might sound silly, but I've been going without human contact for about a year and for how introverted I might be, I don't want to feel lonely.
So i overthinking today. I think i have breast cancer. I have thought about this for quite few days. I did some research on how to check it yourself. I've realise it when i lay on my right and i felt uncomfortable i touch it i think feel there's a small ball. It can be false alarm. I'm nervous whenever I think about it. So that is that. Overthinking
My mom really seems to miss me since I moved out, so she suggested we take a mother-daughter vacation together. The thing is, I really don't want to do that. But I don't want to tell her, because how could I without hurting her feelings? I love my mom, but I know that I would hate a vacation with her. I'm simply someone who needs a lot of alone time, which is not exactly manageable on a two person trip. I also don't know what to talk about with her for a whole week, we usually start sitting in awkward silence after just a few hours when we meet. And then there's the money aspect. I don't make much money and would rather safe it up for some things I actually want; a big vacation with my boyfriend, a new computer would be nice... But I can't even say this as an excuse because I know she'd rather pay for the whole trip than not go, and I absolutely don't want this because she's not much more financially stable than I am. I usually would say "suck it up, it's just a week and you can make your mom happy", but my life is currently so stressful, juggling school and a job, and I get only three weeks real vacation a year. The thought of only having two weeks that I can use to relax makes me almost vomit. I feel so torn between that, and not wanting to hurt my mom.
I'm battling porn. I am married and one of my favorite female companions is a stripper. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of greatness. I'm afraid of what my wife will say about me pursuing my dreams.