Sometimes I think that my best (and only) friend is not very good to me. He acts like he has no consideration for me. Anything I say or do is meaninglessness.
I’m going go be irritated all morning. Something is wrong with my phone and I missed a very important call. I charged it over night, was 100% when I woke up this morning. I checked my emails and saved all the important dates in my calendar. My phone dropped to 65% just from that. I checked the info under battery in settings and it said 12 minutes of screen time 0 min background time and email was the only thing showing battery usage. I plugged my phone back in before my shower and it was completely dead. I missed an important call from my boss to get my schedule change approved to work today instead of tomorrow. Now I missed the cutoff period, have to wait almost 3 weeks for a rescheduled appointment I needed to go to tomorrow, woke up 4 hours early for nothing and now probably need to buy a new phone. It’s only 6:34am and my day has already started out in the shit bucket.
Mom's depression has gotten worse lately. I wish I knew what to do to be there for her. She doesn't deserve to feel so bad. I wish I could make her feel at least a little better. She's supported me and my siblings so much - unfortunately me and my sister are also depressed and the rest are having struggle in school and relationships - I wonder if that has depressed her even more. She's taken such good care of all five of us that I want to give back to her. She deserves the world but I don't know what I can do.
I'm such a pushover, doormat and submissive cuck.
My father is the worst person I personally know. He doesn't hit me or is an alcoholic or anything, so I'm not sure if I'm "allowed" to complain so heavily - after all, it could be much worse. He just has an awful personality. He's aggressively negative about literally everything, he's childish and self centred, bitter and rude, racist and homophobic. He's also funny, can draw very well and has interesting interests, but those good traits just get lost in his negativity and bitterness. What struck me very hard recently and made me want to write this confession was when he told me how women are hugely inferior, how they don't belong anywhere but in the kitchen and aren't good for anything but sex and doing the household, and how the very thing that's destroying the world right now is the fact that women are allowed to be in leading positions. He told me this, very openly and calmly. I'm his daughter. He is still married to my mother, a WOMAN he's supposed to love and respect, and what angered me most was this blatant disrespect towards her that he expressed with those words. I can't get over this. It's bad enough that I hate my dad, but the worst thing about it is that I can't get out of my head how I'm basically 50% him - genetically, at least, but since he also raised me and was very present my whole life, it's inevitable that he influenced huge parts of my personality. And I feel so awful about this. I don't want any part of him to be part of me. I feel like one of those movie protagonists who find out that the villain is their father and now spend the whole movie being like "I don't want to be like my dad". And yeah, they always end up finding out that they aren't and everything is fine, but what if that's the part that only happens in movies?
I wish I could afford to live somewhere with a fireplace. I love them so much. I love the warmth, I love the smell, I love staring into the fire and dozing off on the couch because I feel that relaxed. I miss it.
I'm so horny that I dreamt about trying to masturbate but people kept walking in just before I'd start or my mom would knock and ask me to go to the gym with her etc. I never did get to do anything. Can't even get off in my dreams, smh
I've cut myself from my friends because I felt I wasn't deserving of them anymore. They're regular adults with jobs and relationships while I depend solely on my mother when I'm almost 40.
Sometimes I wish i'd go to bed and never wake up again.
I always have thing for curly blonde girls. But most of them are straight and conservative. But i love how most of those I met are so sweet and lovely.