Dreaming that my crush confessed to me that he also loved me was definitely a dream that I did not want to end honestly. But the truth hurts when reality is waiting for you to wake up and fucking move on that you both have no chance.
I sometimes hate my father. ☹
am having one of those days where you get a punch in the gut seeing how fast things change and it makes you feel old and sad. I went to a mall that I use to visit as a child/teen and so many stores are closed or repurposed into crummy businesses that it's sad. It's like people don't want anything original, tasteful, and vibrant. They want to be the same, streamlined, and look like a button on someone's phone.
I really hate my mom. If only i'm not a student and i have a job, i would build my own home and living alone without her. She's always force me to do what she wants, all of it must decided by her, since i'm in kindergarten until now which is im 20. I was so happy when i could go for college in out of my town. For the first time i could feel, hangout with my friends at night, doing event until midnight, and im sure if i'm still living with mom for college, i wouldn't have a chance to do that thing. I would spent my young age with those rules of my mom which is so bored. I will have no experience. She doesn't allow me to doing that kind of thing, she thought it's just wasting of time. But, she's always acting kind to all of my friends, they're think my mom is cool although everytime i ask her permission to hangout with my bestfriends when i'm at home, it's so difficult. She would blame my friends that i've always wants to go outside. She thinks because of my friends i'm becoming a bad kid. Pfft, it's funny, just because i'm not thinking like her, she said that. She never appreciate me when i got 1st ranking in class, or when i do the right thing. But she always noticed me blamed me when i have my grades down, or i make a mistake. She also says "i better didn't have a kid like you". So do i, i better didnt live if everything that i've done always not enough for you. If suicide is not a sin, i would do that. This is sucks. I want finish my study early. So, i'm not depend on her anymore.
My self-hate surfaced all of a sudden a few hours ago and I don't know how to make it go away. I've tried running, working out, listening to metal, watching relaxing roleplay videos, holding my cat... I don't know what to do but I don't know if I should complain either because this isn't really a problem on a global scale. But I'm gonna complain here anyway because it's all I can do about this
Why do I feel so ashamed even when nobody can see me? I feel like my worth is defined by what others think, or even might think, of me. I hate being so insecure. I hate myself for being so weak and desperate for approval. If people knew I was like this, nobody would respect me.
I feel guilty for being the way I am. I'm scared of so many things and that's just so useless. thing to feel. I'm scared of people, too. There are some people who I'd like to get to know but I'm scared that I'll just annoy them or accidentally hurt their feelings or that they'll despise me because I'm so emotionally weak. I want to be liked so badly, but I'm even more scared of being judged. I just feel like my personality has no redeeming qualities!
I'm scared of men's sexuality even though all I "know" about it comes from media and hearsay. (I'm so socially awkward that I've never been acquianted with a guy who isn't related to me...) I don't want to believe that all men are perverts, and it would likely be unfair of me to think so, but despite that I continue to fear that it is like that.
I don't know if any of you have seen it, but I once saw this one post on social media a very long time ago and it still kind of bothers me. It was on twitter, I think? Anyway, it said "Me dissecting your entire personality within minutes of meeting you" with a gif of some smug-looking woman or something to that effect. Later someone said that people only got mad about it because they were jealous or because they felt threatened. Well, honestly I feel threatened indeed. I doubt that what the post said is possible exactly, but some people are more perceptive than others, right? I'm terrified of the possibility of someone like that deducing many things about me just by looking at me. I'm scared of being seen, and it's partly because of seeing that post and hearing other people talk about "reading people" in general. I can't do it. (Except when it comes to my brother.) I'm terrified of the idea that someone sees more of me than I see of them.
I am so tired and sad that I'm pushing it all back into the pit of my stomach and doing chores to keep me busy and not stressed or anxious.