It's not great having a lot addiction to porn. My rehab isn't going even close to as well as I would have hoped. The first day went fine enough I guess. But then after a few days I already relapsed. I read that this is common but I still feel a sense of failure which is making it worse. That's all for now I guess. -STD
Ever since I heard about the Oedipus complex a few years ago I've been obsessively worried about getting feelings for my dad. It's been made worse when I've sometimes heard women accusing each other of looking for a father figure in their boyfriends. It made me think: "What if I'm like that? What if I only want to date someone like my father, or even himself?" I keep getting random sexual thoughts of my dad, and though they disgust me, I keep doubting myself, like what if I subconsciously DO want those thoughts. And sometimes I worry about him seeing me in a sexual way if I'm wearing small clothes like swimsuits or mini shorts. This makes no sense because, like a normal and sane person, he has never indicated that he might think of me like that. Still, I can't get rid of these thoughts. Sigh... This is one of the things that I'm too embarrassed to tell my therapist about.
Suddenly, I got the mental image of twisting my cat's legs in a way that they break. Now I can't get it out and I feel like a horrible person. It's awful and I'm crying
It's official now, or as official as it can get. I have no friends anymore. Zero. Only good acquaintances. That's better than nothing. I'm quite sure that my old friends would still do me favours if I asked for it, or would give me a shoulder to cry on. That's also better than nothing. But I'm not invited to their parties by default anymore, they won't go out with me just for fun anymore, I'm not the person who they tell secrets to anymore. I don't have anyone to go anywhere with, or tell my secrets to. It's sad. I'm very sad. I've brought it all upon myself, and it was kind of inevitable, but it's still sad.
After 3 years of living with my partner, building up a life from having nothing to having a little lower than basic (but suitable for us), a huge part of my inner self is fed up with it. I'm 21, we live like a family already, have 3 cats (which i really love to the bone), we get along so well, share interests, views on the world and humanity etc. ... Each of us has their own hobbies, he's trying everything to make me happy and I shouldn't be complaining about our relationship at all. Maybe the financial situation could be better (he doesn't have any qualifications/degrees/job and I've been studying and working on both weekends&holidays for 2 years. He's trying his best but that's no solution for the future. This part of me doesn't want it anymore, I feel imprisoned at the thought of living like that till we're old. To him it's perfect, he's had a life with less stability and a history of mental health problems which was cured by what we have now. I used to wish for this kind of life when I was younger, maybe even those 3 years ago. But I've changed somehow. I held back a lot of interests and activities, meeting friends or new people, go out and so on to be there for him. Now I started to catch it up a little bit and realized what I've been missing. I'm living his life, not mine. I would love to have my own flat or living with other people, regenerate, be myself and make my own experiences and decisions. I told him more than once, he's like "You wouldn't be able to do so" , "You can have this even though we live together" or "So you don't love me?" "Why do you want to destroy what we've build up?" I've met someone who used to be in a similar situation and he's willing to help me with fulfilling my dreams. Also my friends, even his mom would appreciate me doing that step into independence and freedom. I don't know what to do and time is passing day by day, also I'm loosing my best years to him and my current life...
I want a ball python so bad! I wish I could go out and get one right now. But I won't. I'm going to wait until my life is more stable, maybe a year or so, and maybe after moving since that's still a big possibility. I'm going to be responsible and save up for this snake and all the equipment to care for it. But I'm tired of waiting and I wish I could just have one already.
M/20. At first i was going to write about all my problems. but then i relised at the moment the only thing thats really troubling me is the death of my grandfather. true, we werent that close, but it seems to me like we are more similar than me and my father. Our taste in instruments, the need to create, alcohol (which is a very touchy subject because of alcoholism), and in general the way we handly things; being short fused in terms of what nonsense other people talk about. And most importantly the way he died. The main reason was a car accident, but how it happened is still a riddle for me, my family, and even the police. He could have passed out on his motorcycle because of the heat (which i dont like very much either, i hate summer and sunshine), or he commited suicide by driving into the oncoming traffic (which is a thing i would most likely do too) because he had a tumor in his heart, throat and lung i think. But in the end, i dont really care how he died. the decision was up to him. And now, every once in a while, i think about what kind of person he was, and as mentioned, how similiar we are. We drink, we make, we hate. and in the end, we are going to die the same way. leaving slightly different stories behind. And now i am left behind making his tombstone, because i follow his footsteps in some kind of way. and i cry.
I just wish I had a hand to hold at the funeral today. It seemed like everybody there had someone with them but me. I so desperately want the comfort of a partner, not just at this difficult time, but all the time. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I have no support.
My therapist appointment is too far away and I feel awful. Yesterday in class I felt so stupid when I didn't find answers in the texts we had to read. And last week I couldn't understand a word after the teacher explained it to me. Also, like usual I've been too scared to talk to anybody. I can't talk to anyone but this site.
The person I was sitting next to dropped her stuff on the desk and it startled me and I flinched really hard and she was like "awww, I wasn't going to hit you. You poor traumatized boy!!" And she hugged me. I was so embarrassed I'm sure my face was completely red. I didn't think she was going to hit me I was just startled by the sudden noise. I kind of just want to disappear.