You asked me if I loved you. You were staring at my face and your fingers were digging into my cheeks. You were four times my age and were supposed to be in charge of me and my sister when my mom was at work. I suppose before all the bad things happened I might have loved you like a boy loves his aunt. You were not my aunt, but I once thought of you as one. But I had red marks on my upper arms from when you would pin me down to the mattress. And scratches on my hips from your artificial nails when you were frustrated and just wanted to take my pants off. I would flinch and my heart would sink with sheer terror every time it looked like you were reaching to grab my pillow. I was always always always afraid that you would suffocate me with it like you did when this all started. I was afraid you would kill me like that. I knew you as a violent person. I don't believe you showed that side of yourself to many people. But you showed it to me and now I'm always afraid. I was afraid then and I'm afraid now. Did I love you? I didn't know what you would do to me if I made you unhappy so I sobbed and stuttered a small, trembling "Yes." And you smiled. I don't remember a lot of the things I said at that age. None of it really mattered. But I always remember that one word and it hurts every time. My mom thinks the whole thing is really hilarious. I know you're on the phone with her a lot and I know you talk to her about me. I know you convinced her that I'm a delusional attention seeking liar. But you and I both know it happened and I hope that one day it haunts you like it haunts me.
I can't stop thinking about my ex with his new girlfriend. I loved him with all my heart, i thought he was the one. He took a part of my soul with him. I feel so empty. I just wanna recover from this, I'm trying so hard but i just can't
If you were in a long term committed relationship and found out that your guy gave his number to a random girl on a night out would you stay with him?
I can't remember whether I have already written about this here; I think I have. But the problem is still as bas as ever, and even gets worse, so please forgive me. I have this (still undiagnosed) illness that makes me - sorry, it's disgusting - get horrible diarrhea at quite random times. So horrible that, if I don't find a toilet immediately, I shit my pants. It also hurts a lot and when it started once, it doesn't stop for some time. Lately it has gotten so bad that I only have one or two "good days" a week. As you can imagine, this isn't something I like telling anyone. Everyone would be ashamed of this to some degree, and I am especially embarrassed about this. I'm also a girl, which makes it a little worse (at least I feel so). So I don't tell anyone. But my friends are losing patience with me because I constantly cancel plans, either because I have a bad day or because the place they're going doesn't have a toilet. I keep missing my busses to work, and it's only a matter of time until I will not be able to reach a toilet fast enough. This thought constantly keeps me on edge, and I am starting to dread every situation where this would be possible, making me sit at home and avoid life more and more often. I don't want to wear adult diapers, it's not like they're invisible. I hate what my life has come to. I hate this.
It breaks my heart when I see people with huge self-harm wounds. I can only imagine how much they hurt inside.
Instead of getting ready for the day, I masturbate. Half an hour gone to waste. I'm the worst.
I wish I had a friend. Someone to laugh and have fun with, but also to talk about serious issues and to help them with theirs as well. But I'm scared of people. When someone talks to me I want to run away like a child.
I always feel so unlikable that most of the time all I want is to hide. Even in therapy, I feel so conflicted about going because I feel like I’m too annoying. I’m always anxious, uneasy, embarrassed and confused. And people know it. They can see it and it freaks me out.
The one girl I can't let go of is in a really healthy relationship with a guy who shares her dream lifestyle unlike myself. It's been years, what the fuck is wrong with me.
The one girl I'm super close with is actually being thrown off by my long hair. It's keeping her from really being attracted to me. All I can say is that hurts. It's important to me that I grow it out longer than it's ever been, and I hate when people walk into my life and try to change things to their liking. I'm just upset. Without her, I've got no one close who I can build something with, and I can tell lately she's been losing interest. Back to square 1 I guess. Hello again, loneliness.