Fuck. I just got my first credit card, and the second payment is already a day late. I've just had to pay a late fee and now my interest rates have skyrocketed. I misread the date and thought it was due today, but it was due yesterday. I didn't think bills could be due on Sundays because banks don't operate on Sundays. And I'm so forgetful I forgot that the due date was even coming up. I hate myself so much right now for fucking this up. I had ZERO interest on this card until now. Fuck. Why can't I do anything right? This is why I'm a good for nothing loser who still lives with my mom at 23. Fuck me.
I normally would forget a dream a second after i wake up but this just hits different; i woke up to sobbing and tears in my eyes and that kinda stuff never happens so it kinda freaked me out. I remembered being black and blue almost beaten to death by a boyfriend? husband? and i remembered just laying on the ground completely helpless and half conscious while he beats another girl to the ground, if i try to say or do anything to defend her i would just get beaten up more. She was on the ground body and head facing me just staring at me while i stare back at her, she was faceless (as in i dont remember what she looks like) and i can see him spooning her from behind. Jump cut: I was at a family dinner and everybody was completely oblivious to my state, i looked fresh out of a beat up sesh and i still had a black eye. I realised that a family dinner wasn't the best setting to come out with stuff like this especially with domestic violence but i did it anyways. I needed the release. "I was abused" was all i said, it went real quiet real quick and everybody was staring at me. I can't help but crack a smile because that's what people do when they're nervous and in a tense situation right? It was a defense mechanism and i thought they knew that, obviously didn't. One of the people (so happens to be a brother like figure in my life) with a laugh, went "oh i get it, she means that everybody gets abused one way or another in life right?" and everybody was smiling and laughing as if ridiculing me for trying to be sentiment or deep. The pain and betrayal i felt was deeper than any hits i took. So i walked out and thought to myself "I'd rather go back to HIM than to ever walk in that room again". Then i woke up like wtf
People are always talking about sex, about all the crazy places they had it, stories with one night stands, ex girlfriends standing in their doorway in lingerie. And I wouldn't mind, if I was normal. If my life was also full of lust and sexual stories. But it isn't, because I'm not normal. I don't want sex as much as normal people do. I'm not completely asexual though - if I was, this would probably be easier for me, but the way it is, I still want it enough to be so, so jealous and envious when I hear my friends talking about it. For me, sex is like the most delicious cake, right in front of your nose - but you have the stomach flu and simply can't eat anything. You want to want it, because you know what you're missing out on, but just don't want it. And the worst thing is that all my relationships eventually fail because of this, which makes it even more painful to listen to all the wild stories.
I have a family, parents, aunts, uncles, a boyfriend. Yet I feel so lonely. Everyone is interested only in their own needs and wants. I might be an idealist or a fool. Either way I feel like I don't belong in this world. I am getting scary thoughts. I just needed to get this out into the world. I want to know if there are people in the world who genuinely care and support others when someone is clearly struggling.
how does one overcome jealously?? it's not to an extreme where i have personal grudges or personal vandettas against someone...it's just a constant nagging, tugging feeling that just won't stop. i just hate being jealous cause i know there's absolutely no reason to. yeah she's pretty but that doesn't make me any less pretty does it? or is it just my self consciousness talking
There's no one in my life. I mean there's my mother but she doesn't count. I don't have friends (good friends at least) or a woman lover.
Sometimes I wish I was never born. Sex and money, of which I have none, won't change my mind.
i found my first love (a puppy love) when I was 12 online. He lives in another country. It didn’t work out. I’m 18 now, had a few relationships before I didn’t love any of them as much as I loved my first love. I realized that I prefer foreign guys, I only think of my people as cousins. And I’m hoping to meet a good foreign guy one day, but this time not online. But in real life
The saddest thing i think is that painfully obvious transition from wildin it out at parties from laughing with friends at bars and dancing to loud wrenching music at clubs to coming back to an empty home the second after; coming home to reality. I mean, after laughter comes tears i guess
I feel like i'm surrounded by people 24/7 but i've never been more excluded, isolated and alone in my life. Is this what feels like growing up? lol i just turned 18 and legal 2 secs ago and everything has changed so much