That bitch fucking used me too make her bf jealous. She used other guys too but at least they fucked her. Me? I just have the shame and regret. And it still hurts after 15 yrs.
I act like an emotionless asshole because it's easier. I use it as a coping mechanism. I'm also afraid if I opened up to someone, they wouldn't like what they see, so I drive people away or keep them at arm's length. I've been alone for so long, I've taught myself how to enjoy being an asshole, but it doesn't change the fact that I am alone and it's gone on for so long that I don't know how to stop. I'm too much of a coward to admit how I really feel. In my culture it's also considered shameful for men to show emotion, so I'm afraid that even if I open up, I will be laughed at. And I think I will die alone because of this.
I'm so sorry women everywhere, not one of you deserves to be treated like trash or victims just for being a woman. I never touched a woman or young girl inappropriately but I never tried to go out and make a difference, in that regard I'm as guilty as them. I am typing these words with a heavy heart. I shouldn't have been so passive, I want to be active on this. I want to look my family in the eyes and say that I can help.
I decided to only eat vegan products anymore a while ago; I know that some of you will probably roll their eyes on me here, but I have my reasons for doing this. A lot of people I know, including my family, don't exactly approve of this either, and this is where the actual problem leads. On my birthday, I received a lot of presents that mostly consisted of sweets; I first was happy about it, but then I discovered that none of it was vegan. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm just so disappointed that my mother, my own mother who I thought would support me and love me enough to put some thoughts into a present, gives me something I don't want just because she personally thinks veganism is garbage. And she didn't even have to buy something vegan, she could've just left it out and buy a pencil or something instead. I received exactly one present that was full of vegan chocolate, energy bars and even a small vegan cook book; from my mother in law, who I don't even have the best relationship with and who, so I thought, would be the first one to ignore my wishlist, out of spite or just because she doesn't care. But she was the one who went out of her way to find this stuff, not my own mother, and this really upsets me.
I did a lot of mistakes and stupid shit when I was younger, and I can't get over it. There's not a single day I don't remember at least one very cringey moment from years ago and then get so sick from embarrassment that I feel like I should not exist anymore. I also think that the stuff I did was worse than the typical teenager-mistakes, I know most people have embarrassing memories, but I honestly believe that I was extreme. And I also know that a lot of the people from my past still remember some of those things, which makes it so much worse.
With all the sexual assault cases in the news, I am wondering where do all these scumbags come from? Why are young men so desperate for sex that they rape someone or even worse gang rape a girl? Who wants to be apart of that? How can they justify or live with themselves afterward? Then if you know about it, even if you don't go to the police why not warn other people about these pigs to keep it from going on? The whole thing is just baffling and gross!
German "scripted-reality" TV, often called Assi*-TV, white-trash-tv is or was really fucked up sometimes: They take the bottom of the social barrel, the fat and other "wierd" (but who am I to judge -.-) people and caricaturize the traits that make them "wierd" to unthinkable levels. While the stories are faked, they mostly use the real names of the "actors", damaging their real-lifes forever. Nowadays they seem to take really bad actors to enact poorly written stories that defy reason or logic even more than the aforementioned caricaturs: In one episode, a guy even smoked literal scorpions in a Bong...while driving a car. I'm against overt morality, but this seems kinda sicking. *Assi (singular, masculinum) is a slang term for Asoziale, antisocials, but can actually best be described as "urban white-trash". even though "Assis" can be of any race or creed...
If only people weren't so judgemental, this world would be a utopia.
Hey everyone , this isn't the type of post I like to write in here because it's not about one of my crazy obsessions or something I'm just really mad about. It's about something that hits close to my heart .. And because of this subject, there have been days I didn't wanna wake up and most of the time I feel this heaviness in my chest like I can't breathe. I'm not gonna sit here and tell y'all my whole life story. So at this point in my life, I've been with my partner for 14 years, and we have a beautiful daughter together. We've had our ups and downs in our relationship but at this point, we're past all that and it's good. We're also like best friends. But sadly, I haven't been able to enjoy my little family which I love so much. We've been co habiting with my mom--it's been a fucking rollercoaster , and not a fun one. A few years ago we were living with these people upstairs who were the biggest assholes. They clearly didn't want us living there and any chance they got to mess with us, they did. Not to mention they were racist as well as the people that lived across the street from us. I thank God everyday I'm out of that house, and there isn't a day that goes by where I miss it. Maybe my room because it was my only safe haven, but that's it. Then we moved into this house and while some things got better, like our neighbors finally weren't shit heads... Others got way worse. So if dealing with my mom wasn't enough, my partner decides to bring his brothers from Puerto Rico (they came a year apart). The first one brings his girl and her daughter. I don't wanna get into it but my partners brother loves drama, which is the opposite of me, and his girl was super entitled IN MY HOME. They end up leaving, which was such a beautiful relief... Then my mom gets a boyfriend and he moves in quick. The guy was super nice at first which I already knew was a red flag but I wasn't getting involved. So just like my brother in law and his girl use to fight like crazy, these mfers also fight like crazy. The fights have since escalated. There's more shouting and slamming and sometimes slightly physical. Then my partners other brother comes who's a drug addict trying to break his habit. He also brings his girl and their baby who has also since brought her other daughter who's 8 and has been living with the grandma. They don't live with us, the other brother lives in a room and his girl goes from shelter to shelter. All because she wants to be around this fuckboy when she had a home in Pr, just like the other girl too. She's also entitled ... And because she's in shelters and doesn't work, she's always at my house and she lets her kid cry like crazy. I just don't want to be entrapped in these peoples stupid fucking lives. I don't want them in my home... I want to live with my man and my daughter by our fucking selves. I can't enjoy the 2 beautiful things I have because these stupid mfers are constantly drowning us in their godamn bullshit. All of them! My mom and her BF, my mans family and their girls .... I just want to live alone ... That's all I say. We've been working on it but because of the greed and corruption that goes on in my state , it's not easy. I want these people at a fucking distance and I just pray to wake up one day and feel this feeling of relief , that I haven't felt ever. I want everyone to just live their own fucking lives and leave me and my family the fuck alone. Yeah we can see each other on holidays or hang out here and there , but I don't want them being a part of my everyday life. Universe hear my prayers. I trust in you and know I am always safe with your guidance. It's just I sometimes don't know how much more I can take before I have a huge breakdown. Thanks for all that read. Keep me in your prayers. I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy.
I like you B, I really really really like you B. Your curly blond hair is the most beautiful thing in this world. Your eyes and your smile. I always get excited seeing you every week. I just can't tell you that because you're my TA and you're straight probably. But it's okay I wish I could be friends with you at least B. Right I just want to learn from you not really be with you. Because I love my success too.