Love songs make me feel conflicted because I love to hear them and I enjoy the music, but they also make me sad because I don't have the kind of love that people sing about, and I worry that I never will. I know nothing in life can be perfect, and love isn't ever going to be a fairytale, but like when I hear the song Perfect by Ed Sheeran... I wish I had someone who loved me as much as Ed loves his wife. I wish I had a lover who would dance with me in the dark, barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite songs. I wish I had a lover who would dance with me all night long, the moon like a spotlight on the lake. I wish I had a love that could be heard in the silence, felt on the way home, and seen with the lights out. I just want to be loved by someone who wants to share happy moments.
I see the sky kiss the the sea fron up here, and there's almost no difference between the the two, tw colours, the lining, just blend in beautifully. It's totally different view from down there.
My boyfriend went out with a girl yesterday. She is the "friends with benefits" of his best friend and they had already hung out a few times, the three of them I mean, and apparently got along so well that she wanted to do something with my boyfriend alone. I don't think she has any foul intentions (I'm even quite sure that she's in love with the other guy) and I trust my boyfriend that he'd never cheat. However, there are things that go beyond trust - after all, you can control whether you cheat, but not whether you fall in love with someone else. I first was quite pissed when he told me that they're going to hang out, but didn't tell him because I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I continued to be irritated when I heard that they're going to our favourite bar. Today, when I saw that the two had been out until 5 in the morning, I felt like I was going to be sick. When I go out with him, we usually are home again at midnight, 1 am tops. I now have the feeling that he had more fun with her than he can have with me, and am afraid that he now has doubts in our relationship. Of course I'm going to tell him how I feel, but I doubt it will help much.
Parents: *constantly minimize and downplay every single thing I'm proud of and every single thing I worry about* Also parents: "Maybe you might not be so depressed if you wouldn't downplay all of your accomplishments :/ " I don't understand how they can always tell me that none of my problems are important enough, that none of my efforts are good enough, that I am only mediocre in every way, for my entire life, and then wonder why I don't feel like I've done anything noteworthy, like nothing I've accomplished is worth mentioning, like none of my issues are significant enough to talk about. I don't understand why they constantly tell me I'm not good enough, and then wonder why I don't think I'm good enough.
I wish she knew I existed.
Moments I wonder why I am here. I mean, living. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am sure, who knows how many, feels the same way. I feel like I am wallowing around in my life, and don't know what to do with it. To me, I feel like I am stuck on a difficult math question, that I can't skip over, or I will fail the test.
It's 6:08 am. I'm making coffee. I'm sitting in a half dark living room apartment, waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. I keep thinking if I'll ever be good enough for anyone, and when I will get to, really, rest.
Sometimes I miss my ex. We didn't break up because the love died, we just broke up because we had different plans for the future. He's not perfect, but I loved him. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do still care about him. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little bit attracted to him still. I just wish things were different. Or I at least wish I could get a new boyfriend so I could stop thinking about my ex every time I get lonely.
My nationality, race, disability, depression, and status income, is limiting me from scholarships, opportunities, and power to be determined to get a good grade as well as affording college. Yet, I'm still trying everyday and try to be better of myself everyday. I want these prestigious scholarships, I can't because I'm not an American citizen yet. I want to join ROTC or the military I can't because I have a mild disability. I want to study so hard to get an honors scholarship but its hard due to my depression. I want to finish college but it's hard because I came from a poor background despite that my mom is a professor. And sometimes I wish I would kill myself and literally wish reincarnation can happen again and be born where I'm not the person I am right now. Where I'm not disabled at least. Not disabled that I can be determined to realized how normal my body is. So that I can grasp every opportunities I have in life. And to be honest, it irritates me that my brother is the one who is normal. He's tall, possibly fit and has 3.9 GPA. Yet he's not trying. He's not trying his best. He didn't get any scholarships, he didn't want to do everything he can. Right now, he's playing at home doing nothing and feeling lonely because he's single. And it's not that I'm jealous at him, god could've granted me his normal body. We could've switched. If I have his body, I could've done soooooo many things in life. I would've been somewhere else in the world. And for my brother his only problem is getting a girlfriend. Where I myself is even struggling to make friends. I work two jobs so I can't socialize. But right now, I'm lucky because I have my family. My mom can be a bit possessive of me but she's my only choice and she's my only choice that gives love and at least not feel alone in this world. I have my brother. even though he never tries, I motivate him and being the voice in his ear, I guess he's considering to try everyday too. And the fact that he thanked me everyday because I keep telling him motivations is already good enough for me. I just accept what I got and I guess I'll find what I like, we gotta keep moving right? And I know life isn't fair, but I'll make it through because life is somehow a competition yet not a competition. It's mysterious and complex I guess.
I'm so fucking sick of how much my own thoughts mess up my concentration. Especially when I'm driving or reading! I'm scared that I crash my car some day. It's always the same thought that pops in my head:"YOU HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU GET TO [do whatever I'm doing in that moment]! YOU HAVE TO SAY THANK YOU RIGHT NOW OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!" Well it's not those WORDS that come to my head, but the idea. And then I just repeat "thank you thank you thank you" in my head because I just feel like I have to. And sometimes I feel like those thank-yous are wrong because I wasn't sincere enough when I said them so I have to apologize as many times. Sometimes I feel like I have to say either of those words out loud too. Even if I know that this makes no sense and nobody else is really telling me to do these things, I just can't stop.