I lie to my therapist about my age so she doesn't report anything
every day my dreams stray further and further.
what are some ways not to look ugly faced when I cry?
sometimes death is more inviting than life.
I was totally born in the wrong life. I am the son of an illegal single mother who tried to get us away from poverty and starvation, because my biological father (who abandoned her with us) was delusional cared too much about the fucking drugs and expenses. Meanwhile, my mom married an abusive drunk duchebag, who thinks hes so high and mighty, instead of the other guy she used to love, a full american guy, who cared about her and us (me and my siblings) and wanted to be our father someday. And she regretted refusing the other guy's offer. My stepfather would end up fighting with my mom most of the time, and then he reminds me of how a piece of shit I am. And last but not not least, theres me. The most weakest piece of shit who wastes his time caring about others, only for everyone to abuse that from me. A good loyal "friend" or a waste of space. A friend in which everyone says they love to have me around, but I know deep down they dont mean it. I just dont want to live this life anymore. I lost hope. I dont want to be controlled by anything or anyone. I just want to be alone.
My dad is ALWAYS criticizing any action or behaviour or anything he sees. he acts like that is being helpful but really its just his insecurity and toxicity manifesting,but he doesn't have enough self awareness to understand. it has always been like this since i was born, so i grew up with very little self esteem, being corrected every minor detail in everything i attempt in life. i hate him for it and once i can afford to provide myself my intentions is to never interact with him again, especially not gonna let him near my kids
so when i was in highschool i thought it would be funny to hit on a new cute school janitor. The first time we thought it was funny and he told me he was happily married with children. The second time i did it cause i thought it was going to be funny again and he told me to stay in my lane...and told on of my teachers and she had to have a discussion with me. He thought i had feeling for him which I'd would understand if i was in his shoes. I still remember it and it haunts me today:(
I want heroin so, so, so bad. I don't know how to cope with so many many minutes and hours and lies and complicated things to juggle before I can not even definitely ever get to feel it in my lungs and mouth and unrolling into my brain I can't bear this, I wasn't ready to stop, I know I'll never be ready fully but I wasn't even close. I loved it so much. Didn't get a chance to see it's truly ugly side, get any fear in me. So even though theoretically I know it's dangerous and will wreck my life if I become a full on, dependent addict, I don't care. I don't care. I wasn't ready. Oh god I need it oh please, please help I don't know how to go on this way or how to change as I have TRIED.
Sat for hours making a dream catcher to replace the one that disappeared. Evey bit of me longing to see my soul appearing through the sunset on the horizon. As the darkness took hold I finally let my dreams go
I can't do this anymore the hatred the animosity being blamed constantly. i forgive you and hope one day you can forgive me. I will die loving you but for now if I'm to survive I have to forgive myself and say my final goodbye laying to rest my dreams of floating though the universe together for eternity