After coming to the realization that I can't have him... I don't really want anyone at all. I know this just sounds edgy and dramatic, but what I mean is, I really have no desire to even have a partner at this point. Not because I'm butthurt about not having him. I just... don't have the urge to be in a relationship. I'm kind of content on my own. Like of course I'm sad I didn't get a chance with him, but now I'm realizing that I don't really need a partner. I'd like sex (and more importantly, kisses and cuddles), but I don't want to deal with the emotional energy that relationships take. At least... not right now.
I talk to myself alot when no one eles is around. I pretend I'm talking to a therapist and then I just start reliving my life. All the times my step dad yelled and hit my for no reason. The time I was molested. My biological dad calling my from jail but then disappearing when he got out. How I had a friend I thought I would have for life but she fucked me over. How I got pregnant and relized I didnt know how to act or even raise a child so I feel like a failure as a mother. It always ends up with me crying cause I realize I dont really have anyone who I feel like really cares. I just annoy them or make them uncomfortable when I try and talk about my problems. I know going to an actual therapist could help me. But they are just a stranger who wants money I don't even have.
I need sex real bad. Not fucking though. I need a sexual dominant but sweet woman.
Im so unattractive and Ugly. I was born with very disgusting genetics. So i read about divorces on the internet to make me feel better about the fact that no one wants me just so i can imagine that things might not have worked out for me even if i was beautiful and someone wanted me.
I've been without my mom for six years. Her favorite roses were coral roses. The first year i lost her i was in the store and started crying and i looked over at this rose stand. All the flowers were red and pink, except the ones right next to me. They were coral, i looked all aroumd to see if i could find more. But there wasn't just the ones facing me. I was comforted. Today at a store, I was shopping and thinking of how i loathe mothers day. Just standing there thinking and i looked over and saw coral roses right next to me. Again none of the others were coral. I love you mom, Happy mothers day!
There was this girl I worked with and she decided that her "online job" that only paid her 30 dollars a month was more I important then and actual paycheck. Now shes posting about almost being homeless and how she doesn't have food for her kids. I feel bad for her kids but honestly I cant believe she let that happen.
When I was 6 my mother's boyfriend sexually assaulted me more then once. She caught him and pulled him into another room once they were done talking she then pulled me into the room. Told me "Honey he was just being nice" "You love mommy and want to keep seeing her right, then this is gonna be our secret". I was forced to tell my step mom about when I was caught using drugs and she asked about my night terrors I said "yes" when she asked "were you sexually abused when you were younger" but that's as much as I confessed and refused to talk too much about it. I never reported it. I still remember his face, his name, the house, the couch, his dog, everything.
i come from a country that worships the ground that white people walk on; if a white person walk pass or is anywhere within a radius of 120 miles, people would lose their fucking shit as if white people are all hollywood celebrities. It gotten so bad to the point where if you're white, your ass is kissed to the core and it became the norm where the LOCALS would ask to take pictures with the TOURISTS (white specifically), its actually really embarrassing i dont know why they do that. i dont want to talk shit about my own country but its just something i've noticed and im speaking nothing but the truth unfortunately, white fetish is a real thing. (dont mind the shitty english or grammar its not my first language)
I don't really like to share opinions to others because I do have a tendency to be highly critical especially when it involves politics. It's why as much as possible I stay away from politics to avoid getting myself killed. I mean yeah sure I live in a country who values freedom of speech, but speak at your own risk. I mostly just say I agree to them but deep inside society is completely dumb. And I don't like saying my stuff right now because I just blurt out an opinion once before and goodness, I was surprised with a backlash. I was told I'm such an old gen. person, shit or troll. But honestly I'm neither on one side. I'm always on the Grey line. But being on the Grey line means no one agrees with me and I'm mostly alone with my thoughts. But sometimes I get so fed up with people that sometimes I wanna say something. But I get backlash again. But not just backlash, some punture through me mentally and some harm me physically (before I just said, I don't really agree with recreational marijuana just as much as cigarettes and a guy I was talking to shoved me out of the door. I mean he asked me firsy and I was talking with logic not personally attacking his political beliefs). So I keep it to myself. Especially I live in a place where people's beliefs are one sided yet they say this place consist of diverse people. Ironic....
I don't even know why I'm here. Like on this app. I feel so stupid, but I just really need to let it all out... I have really bad social anxiety and it's caused me to miss out on a lot of things, all I ever feel like doing is sitting in my room on my electronics. People make me really anxious. My social anxiety has also really affected my self esteem and my grades. Making me feel so depressed and alone. I've never told anyone how I truly felt, mostly because I'm afraid they won't understand or they'd end up judging me. It's really hard because I'm AWARE of how pathetic I sound, but I can't help but feel this way. Which makes it worse. It's come to the point where I'm genuinely SCARED to do anything any other normal person would be able to do! I'm scared of meeting new people, going to school, talking on the phone, talking to my teachers, ordering my food at a restaurant, buying something in a store, talking to my FAMILY/Friends... the list goes on. I'm to scared to ask for help... but these past 5 years for me have been hard and I don't think I can do it all alone anymore...