I had a dream last night that I tried some heavy drugs and then tried to look for and murder my friend with a knife. She was hiding from me. I found her, but I thought about it and decided against it, feeling monstrous and leaving her. I then ran into my boss from work, and some employees from the company who I'm contracting, still obviously fucked up on drugs. I felt like my life fell apart, and that I became less than human.
my mother told me "no one care listen to me,when i speak" sometimes i think she is right...
I want to tell you I love you & am in love with you but I'm so scared you don't wanna hear it and if I say it you'll cut me out of your life.
why do i even fucking bother
I have no regrets in being an under achiever and having my life to a complete stand still since I left school. No job, no gf, very few friends. I don't feel bad, is that weird?
I need a flashlight bad. I ain't into hookers.
I've passed on so many chances to fuck a lot of women because of my anxiety and fear...
why are people willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars to go to college or university, no guarantee of a job. or are willing to spend 1000$ on video games with no advantage at all to your life. sure its fun. but no real value... but when you offer them a program with coaches, material, and all the tools necessary to get totally out of debt, accumulate more income and have better succes in your relationships for 250$ and they tell you thats way too expensive, it's not worth their money or time, say things like 'what if it doesn't work' or 'get away from me with that scam.' people are so flawed in their thinking its unreal
I feel aweful for laughing. but it's mildly funny. I feel aweful it happened and that it'll cost them a lot of money. but there's some irony that's prettt funny. so my in laws have 2 pick up trucks, identical, that they care more about than their children as far as i'm concerned. trucks are meant to be used and to haul things, transport things. but not these ones. they want nothing to touch them ever. they've never hauled anything with it. never been on a bad road with it. they've taken the long way to get somewhere cuz a road had too many potholes. they park taking up 2-3 spots so no other cars touch them. if the kids do have to go in the truck they tell them to keep the door open, they'll shut it cuz they dont want them to end up "slamming it shut". one day I thought they were going to kill one of the kids when they found a scratch on the FOOT plate. you know, where you climb into the truck. the thing that ur feet go on to get into the truck. who the hell cares if there's a scratch there?! not to mention these are 2012 trucks. not 2018s. anyways after all that precaution, after being totally rediculous with how they drove the trucks and the amount they've screamed at their kids. we had a storm last night and a tree fell on both, one is totalled and the other is gonna need some serious work to it... as I said. it's aweful it happened, it's gonna cost a lot, I feel bad... but the irony is pretty funny. a scratch on the foot plate doesn't really matter now does it?
When my friend who I hadnt seen in a year committed suicide, I blamed myself. I still do. I have saved so many of my friends from the same fate, I dont know why I couldnt have just saved him too. I stopped talking to him, somwthing I regret. He started as a friend of my boyfriend, my boyfriend did some stuff and I left. I didnt want to make things awkward so I cut ties. Its my fault he is dead. When I first learned he died I told my mom and she said sorry for your loss before getting mad at me for not emptying dishwasher. I yelled back and her response is the thing that has hurt me the most. "You'd think after his death you would treat the people you love better" When I talked about this with my therapist I accidently told my mom how much this hurt and she gor mad at me again. She apologised but I feel it was only to make me shut up about it. Shes right afterall it is my fault. But it still hurts.