I thought today was going to be a good day. Finally showered after too long for me to admit. My hair looked nice. Put lotion and perfume on. Ate breakfast. Anxiety before work was minimal. Except for working out or doing yoga, I did all the things that make me happy and relaxed. Get to work, take one long annoying phone call, then go to a meeting where I'm fired. My sales metrics were way below goal for too long. I didn't even realize it was that bad until now. But it's a call center with different projects and they suggested coming to HR in a few days to apply for another project. There's one for FedEx that's not sales heavy at all. I've heard you just help people with their orders, the only metric is handle time. Their next class starts in about two weeks. I'm hoping I can get into that one. If not, hopefully another call center will take me. I'm 25 and that's the first time I've ever been fired. I've had 5 jobs, including that one, and I've always given notice before quitting. I'm hoping I can get something that's strictly customer service, no sales. I just need something fast, bills are coming up. If you're a praying kind of person, pray for me please.
I think a lot of my problems with social interaction come down to my low self-esteem. The fear of speaking, difficulty to trust people, letting people push me around. I wonder how long it will take me to like myself. I've been going to therapy for, what, four years? But I haven't made much progress on self-esteem and I know I can't rely on my therapist forever. And I hear that the actual self-worth should come from me alone and can't be given by others so how much can I lean on my therapist anyway? But even when I try, I just feel so inferior. There are some awesome people that I admire and I keep feeling that I'm less than them because I'm nothing like them. I know that it's stupid to compare yourself to others, but this bothers me so much because I really wish to be friends with some of those people or people like them. I'm scared that they won't like me because I'm not like them and I don't have any cool skills like they do. I just want to have friends, but I know I shouldn't let that affect my self-image either. But I feel really lonely anyway.
I wish my mom would quit putting me down all the time. I feel like every thing I get excited about, every plan I have, every dream I want to make happen, she shoots them all down and tells me nothing will work, it's not worth it, it's not possible, etc. I'm just tired of her negativity. I'm tired of her making me feel discouraged and keeping me from wanting to even try. She's my mom, she's supposed to support me and lift me up, not criticize me and tear me down.
I'm scared of relationships because my parents' relationship always made me feel unsafe. They argued about even smallest things - one of them first misinterpreted the other and got offended or angry, and then they both just refused to understand. It was constant, at least a few times every day. I was always on guard, fearing that a fight might break out at any time. I was also scared of expressing thoughts that conflicted theirs because I wanted to avoid possible conflicts. Now I'm scared that my own relationships will be like what I just described and that I'll never find someone I feel emotionally safe with.
Sometimes I wish I was born rich
aku nak sgt ckp ngan kau walaupun sekejap aku nak sgt ws kau mcm org lain aku nak buat kau senyum aku nak sgt kenal ngan kau aku nak tgk kau hari2 aku nak kau tau aku sayang sgt kat kau aku nak confess kat kau yg aku sayang sgt kat kau tapi semua aku boleh mimpi je sebab aku tau kau terlalu perfect bagi aku hari2 aku bayangkan kau kenapa hari2 aku sedih sebab aku tau aku takkan dapat kau aku sedih tinggal lagi bape bulan kau nak tinggalkan aku aku takut tak dapat tgk kau lagi aku just nak kau tau aku sayang sgt kat kau
My friend's sister died today. She overdosed. The saddest part is, everyone is so surprised. She was only 17, top of her class, had her future all lined up, very straight edge. She wasn't just some junkie who overdid it. I just can't stop wondering why. Why did this happen? Why did she do it? Why didn't she survive? I can't imagine the terrible loss my friend is suffering. I have a sister who's the same age as his, they were in the same class; I can't imagine losing her right now, so suddenly and unexpectedly. I wish I had any words at all to console him or comfort him, but what can you say? What can anyone possibly tell someone who has lost so much that would help them in any way?
Some people like to fool themselves. I was married for 7 years, between 22 and 29 years old. It was a bad situation and I'm not going there again. So, move forwards a few years, I met this woman just 3 years younger than I am. We're dating and everything is going okay. But from the start I told her "I won't marry you. I have my place, you have yours; you can spend some days at my place, I can spend some days at yours, but eventually I will want a few days for myself at my own place, and marriage is out of question". She said "oh that's okay, it's a good compromise, plus I make more money than you so I don't need a new place to stay". Now, we've been in this relationship for almost 2 years. But then she starts saying things like "we could join our stuff in one apartment and rent the other" and I'm like "you remember I said NO MARRIAGE AT ALL?" But she says "it's not marriage, it's for practical reasons". She know FULL WELL that "living together" counts as marriage for legal purposes in our country. So I told her "no, we're not doing that". Now she's fucking MAD at me. I'll end this relationship, as it is not good for anyone anymore, and I'm sure she'll paint me as an asshole to her friends and family. But fuck that. I TOLD HER two years ago, when we started dating. NO. MARRIAGE. AT. ALL. Why won't people listen?
im in a communal type situation its supose to be a home for me and my children but its not a home its my junkie boyfreinds brothers place and i feel like a used piece of shit for my bf convenience i know hes lying about stuff but i cant being it up he tells me i got nothing and im just lying i have never felt safe and comfortable hes never assured security and has never been my freind hes always been distant made alot of excuses and lied on where and what he makes me out to be crazy so he can keep his good boy image since his mum and partner live on the same property i have no way out i have no income i have no family to help i have had suicidal thoughts i havent been able to pick myself up this time this hasnt been something anyone would be happy about im sick of feeling nothing and wasted being told i got nothing am nothing i dont have freinds to talk to as im quite private and like my alone time only when i need to be social i have no problem well atleast once apon a time i was this is only the tip of the ice berg i literally feel i have no future and my kids will have no mum 4 years ago i was seeing a much brighter picture and i knew who i was and still am i lived and learned and grew and i appreciated all i had been through but this time i dont think theres any saving me this time i dont think god is even here with me Anymore im slowly withering away theres nothing left of me.
I feel that something is really wrong with me, like waves.of depresson.