Towards the end of school, i completely lost all motivation. I was handing in stuff later and procrastinating more than i had ever done before, which is really saying something. I dont really know why it happened, but i started telling myself that i just didnt care. That i knew i wasnt going to do very well and that i was okay with that. I did almost no revision up until right before the exams. And then i took them all, and for most of them i thought that it didnt go as bad as i was expecting. That im at least going to pass. I tried convincing myself that i was okay with getting C's, that i was expecting it. But when i got two C's and a D, god damn i was heart broken. Especially since for my best subject i was actually almost expecting a B. For a lot of people these results are great, especially since im not trying to get into any uni right now, but my whole life my family has told me that im super intelligent, that i could get A's, but clearly thats just not the case, and im trying to be positive about it but i cant. I hate myself for the way i just stopped trying but tbh i dont think i could have prevented it
I don't know what's wrong with me lately, it's like everything went from a 0 to a 100 real quick, 100 being absolute shit. I get angry easily, i avoid people, i lose patience quickly, i think irrationally and nothing seems to make me happy anymore.
I’m a 17 year old lesbian and I’m so jealous of how easy it is for straight people to find each other. Out of the girls I know who aren’t straight, I’m not attracted to any of them but the dating pool is so small the chances of me being attracted to any of them would be tiny anyway. I know straight people who are sleeping together and falling in love and I’ve only ever kissed a girl who I wasn’t attracted to. It just seems so easy for them to meet people and I feel like I’ve missed out on the normal teenage experience of meeting new people and having mutual attraction and possibly going on to date. My straight friends can meet people any where and everywhere. I know you might think I’m only 17 and I’ve got a long time left to do this kind of thing but it just feels like I’m missing out on a normal adolescence because of my sexuality.
I hate feeling this alone. I'm in a house full of people, but due to our opposing schedules, I feel just so... isolated. Third shift life sucks. I hate being by myself all the time. I miss my family and my friends. But I don't have any other options right now.
Being a nice person is fucking terrible. I always go out of my way to help people if I'm able to, and what do I get? I get treated like I'm absolutely worthless by the same people I went above and beyond for. Sometimes I wish I knew how to tell people to fuck off when they need help. Nobody ever helps me when I need it. Be an asshole. Being nice isn't worth it.
I've never had sex but the idea of doing it terrifies me even though I sometimes feel attracted to certain people.
I know it may sound ridiculous but I’m taking a gap year to gain weight. I’m scrawny, people always been making fun of my weight. Even my friends and teachers who are nice.
First time riding the school bus. A girl sat next to me. She asked me if I recognized her, said we were in the same math class. I didn’t remember, really. But she told me her name and I said it was nice to meet her. She seemed nice. That’s what I thought. It was raining really hard so when I found out we both got off at the same stop I let her walk under my umbrella. I mean, isn't that what you're supposed to do? It doesn’t mean anything, right? I didn’t mean anything by it. When we got to her house I told her goodbye and was going to start walking home but she asked me if I had anything planned for today. No, I did not. She asked me if I wanted to come inside her house and hang out. I didn’t, honestly. I barely knew her. It just felt weird. She told me to just come inside until the rain stopped, and that it would be fine, we would just hang out. I still felt a little weird about it. But I didn’t want to walk home in the rain. And I didn’t have any other plans. So I said okay and went inside. There was no one home. We just watched tv and got to know each other a little bit. She was complimenting me a lot and sitting close to me. I don't know. I just thought she was being friendly. Maybe I’m stupid. After a while of that she asked me if I could get something to drink so I went to her kitchen and got juice out of her fridge. I wasn’t aware that she had come with me but when I turned back around she was behind me. She said something like, “Aw, thank you,” and she put her hands on my face and started moving in even closer like she was gonna kiss me. It was so sudden. I didn’t even realize what was about to happen until like the last second. And when I realized, I got scared and turned my head and her lips touched the corner of my mouth. I did not want that. She asked me what was wrong like she really didn’t see the problem. I told her I was already dating somebody. She said that it was okay and that ‘she’ wouldn’t find out. I told her that no, it wasn’t okay, and that I wasn’t dating a ‘she.’ She said “Are you gay?” and when I nodded she kind of acted like I had just told her a joke and told me to stop lying to her. It looked like she was going to try to kiss me again and, startled, I stepped back and when I bumped into the fridge I dropped the juice. It made a mess. It got on her socks. She was yelling at that point, asking me what was wrong with me and why I did that and I told her I didn’t know. I really didn’t. It just happened. I didn’t think. I was scared. She was furious. It was so awkward. I don’t really expect her (or most people) to understand. Why her trying to kiss me without asking like that would scare me so much. She doesn’t know me or the stuff I went through, and I wasn’t about to tell her about it. I probably should have cleaned up the mess I made but I was afraid of what might’ve happened if I stayed there any longer so I told her I was really sorry and that I was going to leave now and she said, “Okay, thanks for fucking wasting my time. Don't try to walk me to my house ever again.” And a bunch of other stuff but I wasn’t really listening after that. So that was the second time a girl had ever kissed me. And both times were without my permission. Don't even want to think about the first time because she did a lot more than just kiss me. I wonder why everytime I’m able to push away the memories of my past something happens that brings them back all over again. I told my boyfriend everything. I mean, he deserved to know, right? I would want to know if something like that happened to him. And I wanted him to hear it from me, not that girl or anyone else. He isn’t mad. In fact, he was really sympathetic. Probably because he knows how I am about this kind of stuff. I was kind of happy in the beginning because I thought I was making a friend but now I'm just all kinds of upset and confused. I don’t think I want to ride the bus anymore. And I really don't want to see her in my math class. I’m so scared she’s going to tell people what happened. I can’t get the thought out of my mind. I wonder if I somehow made her think that I was into her by agreeing to hang out with her. Did I bring this onto myself? I don’t know. I didn’t mean to. Is it stupid to be hurt over something like this or am I just being too sensitive? I can’t really tell anymore.
It hurts when you have many people around but nobody supports you. My family is just a bunch of assholes who mock, intimidate, and even they dont care whenever i'm ill. They just make me do whatever they want right at the moment or i will get punished. My friends are the same, they come when they need me to do smth for them but when i want to tell my stories they are not here because of many reasons. I'm stressed right now. Idk what to do. Feels like i want to kill myself. Argh.
I know it sounds stupid but as I grow older I kinda realise that it might be better to have a sugar daddy than a bf. Loving someone makes us weak and disappoints us.. Money helps us to get through life.. Nowadays true love can't be found because as soon as you start caring for somebody they try to play you or whatever..