I have a very bad day. It has been a long time since I felt this bad. I haven't stopped crying since I woke up. I thought I was finally getting better and back to my cheerful self, guess I was wrong..
I kinda pretend that I'm OK with my best friend but the truth is that he's a ignorant lout that thinks that he is always right. He's blunt and sometimes lack tact and becomes somewhat rude and improper around people. Often he says things he shouldn't that are embarrassing to me in public places. Thank God I'm only with him once a week. More than that would be impossible to bear.
I've just masturbated to porn and something doesn't feel right.
I just wanna graduate college already and move to a different state. I don't know. I'm always lonely because I don't have this thing called good friends I can hang out with. I can always call one person but she's way too toxic to hang out with. I met another guy to be be friends with. Well he's the one who approached me and he's also toxic. My other friends, well I don't know, I sensed that they don't like me and it seems hard to just approached them and talk fun stuff with them because they see me as a depressed kid. I use Bumble and all, to meet new people....no luck so far. And tbh, I don't know what is it about me that make it so hard to make friends. Yeah I could be a bit of anxious talking to people and that's because I've mostly been alone or at least not have good genuine friends since I move to this state I live in it right now (Hawaii) from high school. Either people are too facade or people just leaves and move away. But I don't know, I'm not really sad or depressed, I'm actually smiley and inviting but mostly I could also be genuine and normal. But also another thing, I have hard time making friends because most people, all they talk about is basic bitches stuff. It's uncomfortable to hang with them, they sounded fake. And sometimes I just want to meet a local chill people but I don't know how to approach them either because they seem intimidating and inclusive.
I saw a cat that reminded me of you today. It had dark hair and blue eyes, and it was really shy and clumsy, just like you.
I'm homesick. I wish I could move back to my hometown. The rent is cheaper there and I could see my family for the holidays. I work in retail so there's no way I can drive six hours each way to see my family for any holiday. If I lived in the same town as them, I could maybe get lucky with my schedule. I don't know how many years I'll have left with my grandparents. But I don't have money to move. I'd have to rent a Uhaul, pay deposits, probably rent a place sight unseen. I just can't afford all that right now. But I'm stuck. We're living paycheck to paycheck and have no room to save anything.
ive forgotten how to cry
Might be a trigger. . . . . . . . I fantasize about being raped. I dont know why. Could be because of my childhood trauma..and its awful thing and I hate myself for it.
We can get tricked into thinking that there is a way to achieve utopia, the reality is, there is millions of ways to achieve the utopia, all of the utopians in history make the same point : '' for it to work, all it takes is for everyone to agree with it'', and that's just stupid, naive, and clueless. religions are like this, political ideologies are like this, and people are sucked into wasting their lives droning in favour of their religion cult or ideology , thinking they are smarter than everyone else, when the reality is everyone is thinking the same thing , ''if only everyone agreed with me, then it would be perfect'' . and that's why it will never happen, no one wants to live in the dreams and fantasies of another person, everyone has their own, so to every utopian teenager and college fool reading this, no, you're not the messiah of the new utopia and the perfect world, you're just a narcissistic ego-maniac retard.
I hate this life. I'm just angry, angry that im human, angry that i live, that i had no say in that. Just woke up one day, gained consciousness to realize that theres no point to life. I just want it to end as fast and least painfully as possible. I hate that i think this way, but i dont believe that i can change this. It just gets worse day by day. Just turn it off already! Thank you!