I don't want to be me anymore. I'm so tired of being here. It's exhausting and stressful. I want to be done. Suicide sadly is a sin. So nope.
Everyone talks about how cool being an exchange student is. What no one tells you is that being an introvert exchange student sucks, specially if you go alone. I'm alone on a Friday night at a shopping mall half an inch from an anxiety attack killing time until the movie I want to see starts.
I have depression, ptsd, and gen. anxiety. but these things are manageable. I was treated for a while and I'm doing really fine. Now I do this research program thing for the summer and I never thought it caused me this much emotional damage. Well, this program gives us projects we can do that will be set in other countries and ironically the nature of my project breaks various rules of my program. Now I kept making my colleagues worried because they know what I do all the time and theyre telling the program coordinator that im breaking rules (meaning I will loose my job this summer and ill probably be kicked out of my college degree). my colleagues are frustrated with me. I understand because theyre also responsible for me and we're all responsible with each other. but I do believe it's not my fault. It's not my fault this project was given to me and I didnt get to choose because my program coordinator cancelled the former project I was into because he found out I have a physical disability (it was in a different country with a questionable environment). My program coordinator dont know the new project exactly.. Though I'm not here to break rules, Im here to learn and do research. Im here to do all of those things. Im not here to make friends either and please my colleagues (it's okay if they hate me). I just want to finish this program and move on. But Im so distressed that I wanna have a gap year. But I feel like that's bad (after gap research then I quit for a sem) for my reputation in the future. But tbh, I rather quit college than deal with life like this. I want freedom. I wanna fix my family issues first, my identity crises, and getting treated. Its okay i might destroy my life but its best I get treated before I actually try to take my life.
I suffer from depression and my friends don't know. I just want to die so the pain stops. I take 6 separate meds just to function normal and still is not enough.
I hate the news now. It leads you into a spiral of depression because that's what gets clicks. I open up CNN, and there is a picture of corpses that can be abused for political purposes. Against all journalistic ethics, btw. Carefully arranged and dragged into prime lighting by some corpse humping vultures. Much like the kid in Turkey who drowned, or the one bombed in Syria that was used as an excuse to bomb Assad, despite the fact his family were Assadists. So I figured screw CNN, I'd go read the Sun UK. Woman filled her son's backpack full of rocks and tied his hand to hers to drown him to punish the boy's dad for divorcing her. Then I went to the comments. One fellow had a similar situation where his wife cheated on him, drowned their infant son, and tried to frame him. Crap dammit. I pride myself as a kinda guy who doesn't do this to himself. There is no sane reason to expose yourself to all this downer Blackpill garbage. It will only make me more depressed. I've got to stop exposing myself to this shit. I need to be more like Richard Simmons in the 90s. That dude was a living White pill. Every day spent making people's lives better and as a result he was surrounded by happy people.
I need ways to help me not get so fustrated so fast. I feel bad because I have a 1 year old and another baby on the way who will be here in like less then 2 months. Ive been so stressed and tired leterally this whole pregnancy. I have grown up with a short tempered parent and its not fun. I dont want that for my kids..
I’m 20 and I don’t think I will ever go on a date. Even online conversations get my anxiety to a level where I have no clue what to reply, and after every message I send, I’m convinced that the guy has had enough of me and won’t text back. But even if he does, I get anxious because I feel like he’s hoping for something he will never find, and would eventually get disappointed and leave. Every time I give myself one more try, I get back into the same cycle and prove to myself how inadequate I am all over again. I hear people saying they feel more comfortable when they chat online, and I feel pathetic for being the only one that doesn’t.
i wish someone, anyone would tell me they love me, or at least thought about me. i really needed it
it sounds like a really stupid thing to complain about but it's actually really exhausting and self deprecating to have a (drop dead) gorgeous best friend. boys dont take a second glance at me, im not as witty or even remotely smart as her, i dont have the bubbly and nurturing personality for people to like me, and i certainly dont have her looks. I feel like every second with her is every second of my self esteem diminishing, i sound hella dramatic but keep in mind that i dont even have a stable mentality or even a self esteem to begin with. literally a second after i wrote that sentence i bursted into hyperventilating tears. i dont know whats wrong with me. i get these random fits of outbursts and i seem to sink deeper into this thing of feeling absolutely shitty and utterly worthless. it's easy to say that i'm jealous of her but i dont even think it's about that at this point, i guess i have self esteem issues, but it's hitting me way deeper. shes my best friend and i love her to death but sometimes being around her hurts . I can't even be mad at her, how could i? she makes it hard to. I haven't gone out for like months and i always come up with bs excuses but truth is, its hit me to the point where i feel so ugly and disgusting for the world and i'd rather be alone in my safe haven than to be exposed out there.
I feel a deep resentment towards my parents. it is almost as if I hate them. they both suck. I wish they will disappear from my life. they are toxic to me and my son.