Less than a week, I'll have a midterm. I hope I can face it well. Wish me luck😊
I’m going through something... and I feel so alone. My friends... they’re leaving me behind. I can’t catch up to them anymore. If I’m ever mentioned, it’s to pick on my mistakes. I hate how things have become now. I hate how tense everything is. I don’t trust any of my friends now, since they seem to be anything but trustworthy. I can only depend on my family but they wouldn’t understand this... I’m tired. So, so tired.
I really love my best friend but because she is the prettiest and most popular girl in the school and has a great body and next to her I am invisible I am very jealous of her. I secretly wish she would gain 30 pounds and start looking very ugly and I get prettier than I am now so everyone would start saying I am better than her and all the boys in my school would want to fuck me
My anxiety has been eating me away lately. I feel useless, wake up crying for no reason, feel as if I deserve nothing that's been going on for me, feel stupid. I feel as if none of my professors would understand that I'm not capable of doing the work I'm supposed to because every time I try to work I start to get very negative and self-deprecative thoughts. Idk what to do or who to go to. Not even exercise is doing it for me anymore.
popular unpopular opinion: i love how college degree snobs try to pressure you to go to college to validate their time there. saying "oh do u want to spend your life in retail? do u want a real job" but the joke is I know lots of people with a mountain of debt for some flimsy area of study with a degree that is i useless to the market working retail. and the other joke is automation is STILL coming for a lot of jobs that used to need "educated" people. so you'll actually be behind your non degree having counterparts in 5-10 years in terms of wealth. Many of the major tech companies aren't requiring CS degrees anymore (this is my new field) and my previous area of work as a counselor, I was strategic about padding my resume with volunteering in the areas of health community and domestic violence. After the college admissions scandal, things are even more funny. College has allowed a lot of uninteresting indistinguishable mentally lazy no drive or hustle having people get really comfortable feeling like they did something really unique and difficult but all you did is go down the road most traveled until people came trampling in over you.
Have you ever felt like empty eventhough you've gotten what you want? Sometimes, I cry when I'm alone (and I dont know what the reason). I dont even know why this happens.
Tomorrow I have 2 tests. Wish me luck
Soo where to start.. I'm 18 years old and I will graduate soon. However there is one person from school that I can't get out of my head. It's a teacher I have. Sounds like a lame story, a girl that is in love with a teacher bla bla.. But I would not say that I'm hopelessly in love with this man, it's different. I'm very attracted to him, and now onto the interesting part, I do think, that he sort of has feelings for me too. It's very strange, because I don't want to interpret to much into it, I wanna see it from a neutral perspective, and maybe I'm all wrong. I don't know. So, I got this teacher for around 2 years now in class. I always was a pretty shy girl, someone that does not have much to do with the other students but still has her 3 good friends so I didn't participate that much in classes, wich also led to him not really knowing me that much at the beginning. He, by the way is a attractive, not too attractive (attractive for me, he's a pretty unique guy) , 28 year old man. He himself seems to be a more quiet person too, in a way that he has enough self-esteem to be a good teacher, but hes always quite quiet and does not scream to kids or anything like that. However, once when he spoke to me when we were alone, asking, why I don't like to talk so much in class, while my written texts are always so good. I tried to explain it to him, and he showed his understanding, and we then talked a bit about this, he asked about how he could help and stuff. It was a pretty intimate conversation, but still just in the sense from a teacher to a student. As time passed by, we have talked a bit some times, and during the lessons, I slowly started to feel nervous around him. As he stood in front of the class, he very often looked into my eyes for a long time, as I did too, and then we both looked away fastly, just too look in our eyes again a few seconds later. I found him even more attractive and charming day by day. It was strange to me, that he always looked at me, while I wasn't even raising my hand or showed participation in his lesson. He even favored me, in some ways, that even other students see that, and tell that to me, they also say that he looks at me quite often. (and I feel a bit uncomfortable then, because I don't want to be the person that gets favored by a teacher). However, I'm sure that he doesn't intents to do so. The connection between us grew stronger and stronger by day. And now it's like, we have strange eye connections, whenever we see us, he, in lessons very often comes to me and asks if he could take a look on what I'm doing, and asks if he could help me with anything. He also says, whenever I need help in his subject, he's always there to help. Wich is a bit strange for two reasons, 1. I'm pretty good in his subject, I have no problems with it, I just don't raise my hand that much, and he knows that, he knows that I'm good at it, and he also knows that im not too shy to ask if I have questions. I'm not that shy, I just hate the consepts of lessons where I always have to take part and stuff, idk. And 2. because he just sais that to me. There are other students, but he never goes to them, sits besides or in front of them for a long time and takes a look at what they're doing. He also never said to anybody else, that he/she can always come to him and ask questions. And again, he knows that I'm not that shy. And whenever he talks to me, his voice changes. It gets very soft, more quiet and sensitive. Very strange, since it doesn't change when he speaks to other people. Whenever we talk we look deeply in our eyes, and sometimes even forget to talk. Then we just smile for a bit and look in our eyes. I think that behavior is at least for a teacher student relation a bit strange. I remember once, when there was like only one laptop left to work, I stood up to get it, an other boy stood up to, was faster then me, and got this laptop, so I haven't had one, just because he sort of runned just to get it quicker then me. The teacher then said to this boy that to me, he should always be a gentle man, so he should give it to me. As he said the, he was quite aware that I heard it, and he looked to me in that strange cute look he always gives me. This is a stupid story but should just stand as an example of the many stories I always have with him. And God, I can't stop thinking about him and his beautiful eyes. But don't get me wrong, I've never seen this in a that childish way. I don't think that sth between us would work, I also don't think that he would make it happen. I don't think that he would ever really have sth with me, I guess he would always feel that it's wrong and that he's not in that position to do so. But I do think, just for the way he speaks to me (this is not sth you can explain that easy, so it might be hard to understand) and how he looks at me, wich is different to how he looks to other people, that he has some feelings for me, and I don't know how to deal with that, because soon he will be gone, because I will graduate and wount have him in lessons anymore. But I will really miss the conversations we were having aswell as his eyes and his way of saying things, and everything about us, but it would be way to strange from me to ask if we could stay in contact, because for me it would not be on a friendly basis, so it wouldn't work. But I'll miss him so much :( idk what to doooo :(
I always know that in life we always have so much we still need to learn especially while still young and growing. But when I'm actually in the situation where I started stepping towards my goals, that's when I realized how much how I still don't know and still need to learn. Knowing something is just stuck in our minds but realizing something it's something we embody.
Yesterday was my class picture day. We happy, laughing, pose, taking selfies and else. And then time to change the outfit. We change the outfit and waiting for the photographer to prepare the set, while we checking each other appearances to make sure it will be perfect. Then my crush apporach me, asking me to fix his tie. The problem is me and him are not talking for like a whole year and he was dating my friends that knowing my feeling for him—they broke up already. I no longer have feelings for him. But OH MY GOD, me fixing his tie is the first time I fall for him—also my way to flirt with him—and it started to flooding me with those memories all over again. I'm so nervous, sweating, my hands are shaking. Good thing I didn't just hug hin right there. Fyi, everybody in class knkw about that and they teasing me again for that -.-