Nothing is going right with me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm failing at what I'm going to do. I can't make my parents happy. I want them to be proud of me. But I can't.
when I was in third grade, there was this new girl. she and I became friends immediately bcz I was a very talkative kid. over time when got closer and then we started calling each our best friends. my mom and her mom had talked on the phone and she came over my place, this was somewhere in december that same year. we went to the park and played there it was like 8 pm and it was pretty dark for 2 girls to be out alone but my mom trusted me and we were there together. after a while of playing we decided we would lay on the grass behind a well that was there and nobofy could see us from there. my 'friend' then just like hugged me and ofcourse hugs are friendly so I hugged her back. we were just laying there and then my friend suddenly started talking about weird things like touching and stuff and I really didn't play mind to it. she then asked me if I wanted to kiss her and i was like what- aren't we like 7. i told her no bcz kissing in my countries culture is not there at all I'm muslim so yeah plus it was just wrong. just she just like kissed me and then stuff went south from there. I told her to not but she wouldn't listen to me. when she went home. I cried. I cried alot. but I was very scared and didn't tell anyone. I went to school back on monday and didn't talk to her. she then at school said something withen lines with she was tell people and no one is gonna like me and that no one will be my friend anymore and I got scared by that because I was just 7 and my friends mattered to me alot back then. she would come alot more over at my place because my mom and her mom had gotten together very well. whenever she would come she had brought her ipad and would take me to the park and my mom would always say go with her so i did and she would show me disgusting things and LIKE SHE WAS 8 WTF- AND 8 YEAR OLD IS WATCHING PORN anyways I hated it sm. I just wanted her to go. so i told her one day that I was gonna tell our teacher so she went to school and told everyone that I kissed her so everyone stopped talking to me. all my friend stopped letting me sit with them at lunch. it was really hard for me bcz I just 7 and like no one was talking to me. my school didn't do anything and i never told my parents because I was scared their reactions would be like how kids at my school were. the school year ended and that gurl left the school. no one in third grade talked to me. I was bullied through 3-5 grade but then grade six started and i had gotten friends with some girls in my class we all b3came really really good friends but then sixth grade was like 3 months from ending and covid started and i didnt have my own phone so I couldn't talk to anyone but after a 2 months my mom gave me her old phone. when i got it and got youtube and instagram and snapchat i added all my friends but now they didn't wanna talk to me anymore. apparently while i was gone some girl from my class told my friends about what happened in 3rd grade and they stopped talking to me. I lost my friends again and then 7th grade started and i hate 7th grade sm just ugh. a new girl was in class and it was the girl from 3rd grade who did it. I got really scared. I couldn't face her at all and I was just traumatized by her so I wouldn't join online classes and then school started physically and we had to go to schoold now. IN PERSON. I HAD TO SEE HER IN PERSON I was scared to go to school so much now. so I would make some excuse or sleep in class to avoid people and the bullying online was enough but now i had to go to school and see those people. i would eat in the bathroom and didn't talk to students. I failed 7th grade bcz i wasnt attending or paying attention in my classes and I was just so so scared to face her again. so during july in 2021 I am now thirteen I tried to kill myself. I took sleeping pills, 10 pills to be exact and went to bed. i was feeling nauseous and dizzy when ate them but I was woken up by my mom the next morning when I woke she and my older sister realized that I was not balancing properly and was off so my sister decided to talk me on a drive while she was driving. I wanted to throw up and my head hurting to bad. I told my sister that I tried to myself and that I want to change school i didn't tell her why because I am so scared so she went home we decided that for my comfort she isn't gonna tell our parents I tried that and to just change my school. I told them that I was being bullied alot. fast forward my new school started just a month ago and I am so scared to go I don't attend online class because I am scared something will happen again I barely go to physical clauses aswell I'm just so scared and I'm even more scared to fail 7th grade again because now I won't be able to tell my parents a fake reason of getting bullied and not going because no one is bullying me in this new school but I am so scared to talk to people about this. I haven't told anyone that I was raped bcz alot of people belive that women can't get abused by other women which is such a lie but still I'm so sacred to tell anyone and I'm so scared to talk to people now
I just downloaded this app, but whatever that's not my point. I just want to have some advice and comforts, I've been not ok lately, there's a lot of thingy in my head about school, I've been feeling really bad, I'm a senior high school graduating but I still don't know what course to take in college, it's totally blank, is it because I'm lacking?
I didnt apply to go to university because the pressure of writing a personal statement was too much pressure for me as i really struggle with self image and awareness. Im still trying to encourage myself years later but it just gets more and more daunting each year that goes by.
i constantly have dreams of returning to my old school. i miss it.
being fake all day just fit in is quite tiring ngl :/
being fake to fit in is tiring ngl :/
I like attention alot so i made a group caht and added a guy his girlfriend and myself i acted like i was being bullyed by the "random" person which is just ne i also bullied the other people to not look sus
I actively destroyed my future, without even realizing it. I have a very good Abitur (german GPA), but I hated going to school, so I rarely went there, which made me unemployable, as my 700+ hours of non-attendance are noted on my certificate. As my life is stuck now, I at least can study philosophy and then kill myself. I keep loosing hope by the day and I wish it all would be over. Not that I ever had great aspirations for life anyways, but if time could just flow backwards now, I would do it differently.
I failed all my university classes this semester, I can't get kicked out of this course because then I'll have to move back in with my emotionally abusive mother and I can't deal with that any longer