I always know that in life we always have so much we still need to learn especially while still young and growing. But when I'm actually in the situation where I started stepping towards my goals, that's when I realized how much how I still don't know and still need to learn. Knowing something is just stuck in our minds but realizing something it's something we embody.
Yesterday was my class picture day. We happy, laughing, pose, taking selfies and else. And then time to change the outfit. We change the outfit and waiting for the photographer to prepare the set, while we checking each other appearances to make sure it will be perfect. Then my crush apporach me, asking me to fix his tie. The problem is me and him are not talking for like a whole year and he was dating my friends that knowing my feeling for him—they broke up already. I no longer have feelings for him. But OH MY GOD, me fixing his tie is the first time I fall for him—also my way to flirt with him—and it started to flooding me with those memories all over again. I'm so nervous, sweating, my hands are shaking. Good thing I didn't just hug hin right there. Fyi, everybody in class knkw about that and they teasing me again for that -.-
My kid's school is so "unracist" it's annoying. Starting in kindergarten the ONLY history these kids learn is racial stuff. Which wouldn't be odd if my kid wasn't the ONLY minority in class aside from 1 kid who is 1/16th Black. This place is Whiter than a Wierd Al concert in a snowstorm. My son gets along great with his classmates. Race has never come up, but they dumb down this stuff so bad there is no nuance and they teach nothing else historical. No moon landing, no Revolution, just "Dats Ray-Cis." Like, shut up, no one cares about your white guilt.
I can't help it but I really should say that your appearance is already ugly and your attitudes make it worse.
I was in my professor's office to ask for a question about chemistry. In a civil conversation, he gave out a good analogy but came out very wrong ( I can't say the actual topic since it was chemistry specific...) but his analogy was talking about nails and twisting it in a metal hole and how it was about twisting and pushing and squeezing and etc. and putting nails in a wrong hole or something. His gestures came out wrong as well and he noticed it too.. I think That was the day before valentine's day which got even more awkward.. He laughed a bit but I pretend I'm innocent and didn't mind it but really in my mind I was laughing so hard! I was about to express my cracked up laughter. But it's kinda uncomfortable as well because he's a dude and I'm a girl and I'm actually kinda conservative and that was weird for me but it was funny.. Man that office help just switched from chemistry to sex. ed all of a sudden but now at least I won't forget it.
I'll just whistle blow and confess. I had a teacher in elementary school who actually tutored me and gave me so much guides to pass the exam. Little that I know the question and answers were all the things in the exam. I got a perfect score in all my classes ( 8 classes). My conscience hits me often and I felt deeply that I didn't deserve to be an honors kid then because my tutor who is my teacher gave me all the answers to the exam. I didn't get in trouble for it though.... though my teacher then knows I have a crush on him and I was thinking that's probably the reason why. But it was really unfair to other kids like me who get a perfect score as well and get no aid (or maybe they did because I found out when I was in high school, five of us are receiving the same situation). But it was my guilt all throughout. When I moved in a different country and in my middle school days I'm not getting perfect scores anymore and that teacher isn't my tutor anymore. I have no tutor but I still get good grades though. and in High School when I took the SAT exam, I got a perfect score but even though I know I have no tutor or is not cheating, it always reminds me of that guilt I had as a kid. So after that I literally and purposely make one answer wrong for the sake of not having a perfect score because I know I don't deserve it so on my other college exam (ACT) I almost aced it with. Now though I'm applying for an MCAT and I know I'm more mature and a grown person but for some reason I still have a guilt and probably I'll more likely and purposely wrong an answer I know on the exam but I wanna get over that guilt I just don't know how...
I don't know what I'm going to do once I graduate from college. I feel like this has taken up so much of my life and I've become used to the routine that I won't know what to do with myself after. I mean, I've been going to school for like 15 years total?? (Kindergarten-now) It's going to be so bizarre to not have that be a part of my life anymore. It's weird to say, but I think I might miss it.
I have a list of research, labs, volunteers, clubs, and class plans but really, my mind wants is to get treatment for my mental health. I wanna just be in a hospital and have a learning time for why im feeling crappy... metaphorically speaking, i feel like my strings are tied up to a hand clock that keeps moving and i have to be dragged along with it or else id be dragged onto an cemented ground and my ass just get bruised up. I dont know when to feel like those string are cut off or when doesthat time freezes while i take time to breath.... im fucking tired of life and the carried expectations i brought up to myself because i chose a career that i love yet super demanding... im happy at the same time im not.... mostly im empty and tired... what is life???
I'm graduating college in four months and I have absolutely no fucking idea what I'm going to do with myself after. It's constantly in the back of my mind and it scares the shit out of me in all honesty.
I just found out I wasn't running the proctor program right on my tests this semester. My 5 tests at around 90% are now worth zero. I want to cry. My GPA is ruined. My grants, my scholarships. Maybe the teacher will let me retake them?