I’ve fucked my whole life up with my A Level choices.
In school we once had to write a test every week, the test scores were noted by the teacher on a separate paper and in the end, we got a grade for all of them combined. Coincidentally, I got 12/15 points on all of the first tests we wrote, and because I thought it would be funny to always have the same amount of points, I studied really hard to know all answers, but then made mistakes on purpose to get only 12 in the following tests. In hindsight, that was pretty dumb, but still a little funny. By the way, it didn't work because in the last test I made one mistake that wasn't on purpose and got 11/15.
I have an issue with going too long between showers. Sometimes I forget or don't have time. Sometimes the depression hits and I just can't get the energy or motivation to take a shower or bath. But I want to fix that. I put a reminder in my phone to tell me to shower every other day. There's a note on it saying "Remember how good it feels after you've been funky for a few days? It will still feel that good when you shower today". I hate that it's come to this, but it has.
its really sad how my teacher thinks nothing i do is good enough.
I hate how in the world of universities, there's this mentality that nothing is true and everything is debatable. I mean when it comes to science, I get that it's self-critical and nothing can be 100% proven because contradicting evidence for any given theory could be discovered at any time - and in fact, it IS constantly discovered. What annoys me are ideas like "all truths that we perceive to be there are actually constructed through language so they're not inherently true". (This is something that was actually said in an educational video that was part of a course I took in uni.) Like what the FUCK? That lamp is in the ceiling and that is that, are you honestly saying that without language it wouldn't be there? This shit is going too far...
I MADE A MISTAKE IN A SOCIAL SITUATION AMD I WANT AWAY BUT I CANT EXACTLY RUN AWAY WHEN IM IN CLASS
I have kidney and bladder infection, I have a fever and bronchitis ( not related to my infection), plus I'm on my period. This is the harshest experience of my life I feel like dying!!! The adominal pain, hot flashes, head ache, dizziness, and irritability from the period. The back pain and peeing pain from the infection. And worst of all, the lung issue from bronchitis and sore throat plus the itchy nose and watery right eye that I ended up partially blind plus a different area of head ache. And imagine you have to walk a looot from classes to classes in a huge university and I cannot skip classes or else I'll get droppped.... Plus the stresses from week school work (I have 6 classes) and then my shift in work too that I cannot be absent from. I literally yelled at my irritating friend for her usual attitude (doesn't give a fuck about others but herself and her stories.. Keep asking whether I'm listening or not). Like fuck OFF I'm feeling like shit and i have no time for now to your shit.. I felt bad right that I said that to her because she never knew she had that personality... But right really I want to sleep but nooo I have to finish my homework!!!! Man I've never been a dead man walking for the entire week. How am I still alive??
I gave my crush head today. I feel cheap, yet desirable.
Today was one of the worst days I’ve ever had. As soon as I got to school, the girl who I took out on a date a few days ago caught me in the hall and started screaming at me in front of everyone. She called me an asshole and said that her dad had grounded her for going out with me, and that was all my fault apparently, even though she told me her dad gave her permission to go with me. Everybody was looking at us. I was so embarrassed. Then she got right in my face and told me that she burned the jacket I left at her house and that she regrets ever even talking to me. I was paralyzed in humiliation. I just wanted to disappear. Everyone had heard her. Then in math class, I was already feeling completely miserable, so when this girl started poking me and putting things in my hair and taking my things away from me, I told her to leave me alone. She didn’t, so I yelled at her to fucking stop, and she started crying. My teacher saw this, and called the principal to tell him what I did. But wait, there’s more. In band class, the teacher ordered me to play a solo in front of the whole class. So I started playing the solo, and then halfway through- I don’t know what happened. I just stopped. I couldn’t do it anymore. The teacher told me to continue. I couldn’t. I felt the instrument slip from my hands and fall to the floor. Everyone started laughing, and suddenly I was trying really really hard not to start crying. Then the school principal charged into the band room, yanked me off my chair, and started dragging me out of the room, saying, “I hope you’re proud. I hope you’re very proud,” whatever that meant, and took me into his office. I was completely confused. But then he started going off about how it was wrong of me to have made that girl cry earlier today in math class. He was so intimidating, I was shaking. He called my step-dad and told him what I did. Then when I got home, my step-dad came up behind me when I was in the kitchen and hit the back of my head so hard I would have fallen if he hadn’t grabbed my wrist and twisted it behind my back. He slapped my face and told me he got an “interesting phone call” from my principal today. When I said I was sorry, he slapped me again in the same place, twice as hard. I told him to stop hitting me or I would tell my mom, and he laughed and said my mom was in Ohio and wouldn’t be back for another week. So then he dragged me down to the basement by a fistful of my hair and started whipping me with his belt on my back until I broke down sobbing, from both pain and humiliation. He said that if I ever screwed around like I did today, I’d regret it for the rest of my miserable life. He asked me if he had made himself clear. When I nodded, he whipped me again and told me I was to say “yes sir” when speaking to him. So I said yes sir. And now it’s late and it hurts to lay on my back and I can’t fall asleep because I’m so sad and angry all at once. I’m just miserable. I hate my step-dad. I hate that bitch I took on a date. I hate the girl that wouldn’t leave me alone in math class, and I hate everyone that laughed at me when I couldn’t finish the solo. I just hate my life.
I dream about sex with the professors I hate and honestly it helps me handle the fucking class and pass it. And how many professors? Imagine someone who fucked the whole class... not lecture just average class. but its not healthy and very weird so I need to stop it. (Yes its not normal thats why I express it here because knowing me and this id be a dead man walking) its hard to stop it because its a habit drug like a placeabo effect. But now i failed a class for the first time so now this one professor.... well i imafine sex with him but i torture him in my imagination and it helps me cope up. But again its not healthy as if my mind is controlling me... i seek doctors for this but im too afraid id be judged by them. Theyre professionals I know but theyre people too. I cant afford the things they might say behind me... and yes i witnessed some psychologist talk their work outside work.. it gets me paranoid so I trusted nobody anymore even the person i should trust.