School told me not to go away on the long weekend because its straight after my mid year exams. I was convinced for one day that i wasnt going away. Im going to go to the greatest event in history. Im not waiting 2 years for another opportunity for merch and great memories.
I feel so close to giving up on school altogether. My last year, im going insane, im not making smart decisions. I dont even know if I want pursue the career of my dreams anymore. Wanted to do it since i was 15. And at 18 i feel so consumed by my mental health, i just dont know anymore. I dont feel good enough, and i dont know i am or if i'll ever be.
It's weird that I was more mature at 19 than now at 20. And I don't know what happened.
It's soooo difficult for me to start something. Like literally my heart pounds and I get headaches. Then once I start it, I always wonder how I was able to manage to start and continue. And my work always consist fo computer work and while working my head always hurts. And everytime I use a computer, I always end up going to email, Facebook, then this, then Youtube which will then take away my whole day. I already put my phone away but I use my computer more than my phone and it's hard.
i feel like i took a leap of faith by choosing to not to go to college. but it's so hard to work on your own like this. i understand now why people go to college, but i think i still won't go.
He seemed genuinely surprised that I wanted a hug from him. He seemed so... relieved when I hugged him, like it was quenching a dying thirst. He hugged me tighter than he ever has, and for just a moment, it almost felt more like I was comforting him than casually giving him a friendly goodbye. But maybe it's all in my head.
I feel so lost with my major right now. I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I know college don't give me fortune or even stable jobs (as for my bio major). And I'm not happy to get in to med school. So I'm lost. really lost. ANd I just want to get rich honestly. Just want to focus on my income. So far I'm not in debt because I have full scholarship. only enough to pay my whole fucking tuition plus housing. But I'm lonely. Plus the major I have doesn't even introduce the specific science I want. And like what? I have to go to grad school to do that? What an actual fuck? Another money spending... And right now, I'm just way too depressed looking at my money and I only have $20 on my bank account, almost homeless and thinking how I can manage to fit that as my food allowance for three weeks. My brother, took the easiest major, and manage to double major and have excess sum of scholarship and have a stable job after. Plans to go to law school. But I don't like his majors. I took it and it was depressing even further. And his success and mines. Sometimes I look at myself, what the hell am I doing wrong? My brother told me he's always there to help me but I feel bad asking him for money. I have a job it don't even pay well. Then this other class I already failed it because I work last sem with two jobs and I'm stressed with this one either. I don't know anymore. Whatever...... I don't even know what I'm saying. All I just know I want to run far far far away where these feelings won't hunt me....
After getting caught for faking my parents signature on a bad test, my teachers asked me why. I burst into tears and told them otherwise I would have been beaten. The teachers talked to my parents that evening and the next day the teachers told me my parents said there are no other punishments I react to so there is nothing they can do about it. It was my only attempt to tell someone "offical". It still hurts after more than 15 years. And in contrast to what I say to my family, I still can't forgive my parents for beating me.
My insta feed is pure shit. i need to make it better immediately
LIFE IS NOT POWER x POWER. IT IS COMPETENCE VS COMPETENCE, BE COMPETENT.