I've procrastinated for so long that I have two days left to do three assignments. Which would be... about 5000 words altogether.
I sometimes wonder, will I still be a scientist despite my depression and PTSD? Will I learn better if theres no depression and PTSD happening to me? Or I'm really dumb? Did i expect too high? Did I do anything wrong. I love science and I took other things but I just love science. I love it but everything to me personally is difficult. I want to be a better student.. how is that even possible?
Like yeah i DON'T CARE if you dont like me but if youre a TA and I need your help i think you need to do your job and get off the biased shit and be civilized and answer my question. Im not here to fight im here to learn dammit. -_- every single time man every single time
I submitted an assignment that was only 2/3 done but got a grade of 4 out of 5. Ha! I'm totally gonna continue doing just the bare minimum.
i moved to this city months ago for uni stuffs. and here i am feel alone, nobody remembers me, nobody cares. i just want to go home
Classes are over. Time to fuck up my sleep schedule
I barely live when I was born because I have this fucking disability but my mom love me anyway. grew up having my mom to always not around as well as my dad. 5 years old I was sexually abused and I get very nervous inside everytime I'd see, sense, or hear my cousin. 1st grade and 2nd I was bullied that I'm ugly and stupid because I always have short hair and dark skin (because a Filipino thing to be called ugly when you're dark skinned). i move to a different school at 3rd grade and I was picked on by these girls, gossip about my hair about my quietness, about everything they see on me and sabotage my grade once, these girls would spread these message to other grade levels so others would avoided me and I wasn't friends with anyone, all they would gossip that I was only rich because my dad is in the mafia but honestly he works in an agency in the US. I didn't study and I failed the classes then. I just don't want to do it even though I know everything I just loose interest studying then and because why bother when you'd fail anyway from their sabotoging thing (because these girls were the class president and vice president). Then I move again at 4th grade and 5th grade. I was bullied by this guy who had a friend that falsely claimed I have a stinky arm pit. This guy's friend was actually just quirky and he just do that to irritate me because he likes to see me that way I don't know he had a crush on me then because he thinks its cute.. but this bully.. nope very rude. I would walk everywhere and he would follow me and scream "putok!" meaning stinky pits and other guys would laugh at me and girls would just avoid me. The guy's friend kinda just didn't say anything. Then I move to the US at 6th grade from the philippines. I experienced racism about Filipinos from these white people. yep they said I might stink because my country is the same. I was the only one whose Filipino in that school. I move in a different state again and there are no white people much - racism is opposite (because white people are kinda discriminated against). I thought its better for me because people seemed chill and diverse. I though good timing to be myself. So yeah I did. I was nerdy and love books but I was shy because I had a traumatic incident in the past but I was bullied again because of my nerdiness. I have no friends and girls would physically bully me. No words just pushing off the stairs. Then 8th grade I tried to fit in but I get their drama which is very dumb but I was hated. high school, I had friends from all these comotion in 8th grade. I was picked on by my friends and I experienced depression finally. sophomore I was bullied because I'm the science classes and people judge me that I'm dumb just because I have a dyed hair and i'm the type of kid that don't study and probably do some weed. junior year, rumors spread about me that I'm a slut when I never even had sex before. senior year academic stress, expectation from parents and their control on what college I should go to and yeah more rumors about me. so yeah i thought this is gonna end because teenage years is done and I'm finally gonna be happy and not pretend to be this and that. But nope it's all different in college. The stress, the amount of energy you need to use for work, studying and time. I feel alone, I can't even fall in love or what else.... I can't even make friends because now I have PTSD. But you know what, screw that! I'm at this point of my life and experienced the shittiest things in life so why the hell do I fall now seriously?? I've almost killed myself from cutting, hanging, overdosing on sleeping pills but then I still can't do it. why? I love to explore the fucking timline of my life. and then I look at myself "hey! look I'm still alive and studying and a researcher in the STEM field and living in America and a state with the most opportunities! Plus I have good friends they're not around physically but at least I had real friends still" If I would talk share everything, more shitty things happened to me than the good ones but the way you see things helps with the quality. Quantity wise bad things won but quality wise good things won and I always value quality than quantity so.. Plus I have a mother and brother that I care about if die my mom will be crazy and my brother will be alone so nope not today depression. Not today PTSD. To me I just always look at one light I can find even though everything is dark around me. Imagine the sky at night where everything is dark and yet there are still things shining especially when you search for one. They're beautiful yeah? light within the darkness is beautiful if you can't find the light then be the light alright...
There is a girl at my college, she has mentioned to me many times she is worried about something, but never says wmwhat. She is really quiet and doesnt talk to people.. I have spoken to her and it slipped from her mouth that her family are getting her married soon, taking her out of education but she wants to study on. She quickly tried to backtrack saying her family love her and want the best for her... And i didnt dwell on it too much as i knew she was very uncomfortable at that point. later on i suggested she speak to the counsellor. She tells me she cant as she knows the counsellor would definitely have to get some legal involvement. I have encouraged her to tell me about her issues, saying i would not pass the word on, and that i have been through many many difficult situations myself. I have also told her i wont judge her etc... And wont tell anyone if thats what she wants. Still she refuses to talk to anyone and i am not sure what to do. I could tell a teacher but the girl would simply say that im lying or misunderstood, as i cannot prove this. It would also risk her telling me in the future if situations became worse. I dont know what ti do.
I'm one of these kids with father issues. because my father left my mother before I was born and my mom raised me when ever since until I turned 18 when she passed away. But I had a professor that I treated like a father. I ask him for advice and I sometimes would talk to him about stuff and sometimes tells him these jokes. I also told him my stories and he shared to me his and how he has a kid that is quirky just like me. As I mentioned, I don't have a family anymore my mother died and I have no siblings so I'm basically all by myself and once on thanksgiving he invited to have a dinner with his family and I get to meet his children. One of which I get to be a fond of like little sister to me. I enjoyed that experience and meeting my professor was the greatest in my life. But after all, he's still just my professor for one semester and all those things are temporary. But at least, I get to experience what it's like having a good father.. and a family. And his children still ended up talking to me (trolling me sometimes lol) I get to have a family that I talk to even though I wasn't legally adopted to them or so. And my professor inspired me to pursue the field I study currently, Physics. In thanksgiving, I still remember that first time again in my life to have a dinner with a real family. Today he called me again to say what's up and invited me again to their thanksgiving. This time, my professor's wife cooked me my favorite food and it gets more memorable to me. I learned to appreciate that there are still good people in this world. And this family, I will never take them for granted. Never. They're what I call family after all. I never have people in my life that cared about me after 2 years of being alone and have no one by my side.
I shouldn't have went to university when I knew that I don't want to study this. Idiot. I should've kept the job I had and went to get a degree on that field.