I can't help it but I really should say that your appearance is already ugly and your attitudes make it worse.
I was in my professor's office to ask for a question about chemistry. In a civil conversation, he gave out a good analogy but came out very wrong ( I can't say the actual topic since it was chemistry specific...) but his analogy was talking about nails and twisting it in a metal hole and how it was about twisting and pushing and squeezing and etc. and putting nails in a wrong hole or something. His gestures came out wrong as well and he noticed it too.. I think That was the day before valentine's day which got even more awkward.. He laughed a bit but I pretend I'm innocent and didn't mind it but really in my mind I was laughing so hard! I was about to express my cracked up laughter. But it's kinda uncomfortable as well because he's a dude and I'm a girl and I'm actually kinda conservative and that was weird for me but it was funny.. Man that office help just switched from chemistry to sex. ed all of a sudden but now at least I won't forget it.
I'll just whistle blow and confess. I had a teacher in elementary school who actually tutored me and gave me so much guides to pass the exam. Little that I know the question and answers were all the things in the exam. I got a perfect score in all my classes ( 8 classes). My conscience hits me often and I felt deeply that I didn't deserve to be an honors kid then because my tutor who is my teacher gave me all the answers to the exam. I didn't get in trouble for it though.... though my teacher then knows I have a crush on him and I was thinking that's probably the reason why. But it was really unfair to other kids like me who get a perfect score as well and get no aid (or maybe they did because I found out when I was in high school, five of us are receiving the same situation). But it was my guilt all throughout. When I moved in a different country and in my middle school days I'm not getting perfect scores anymore and that teacher isn't my tutor anymore. I have no tutor but I still get good grades though. and in High School when I took the SAT exam, I got a perfect score but even though I know I have no tutor or is not cheating, it always reminds me of that guilt I had as a kid. So after that I literally and purposely make one answer wrong for the sake of not having a perfect score because I know I don't deserve it so on my other college exam (ACT) I almost aced it with. Now though I'm applying for an MCAT and I know I'm more mature and a grown person but for some reason I still have a guilt and probably I'll more likely and purposely wrong an answer I know on the exam but I wanna get over that guilt I just don't know how...
I don't know what I'm going to do once I graduate from college. I feel like this has taken up so much of my life and I've become used to the routine that I won't know what to do with myself after. I mean, I've been going to school for like 15 years total?? (Kindergarten-now) It's going to be so bizarre to not have that be a part of my life anymore. It's weird to say, but I think I might miss it.
I have a list of research, labs, volunteers, clubs, and class plans but really, my mind wants is to get treatment for my mental health. I wanna just be in a hospital and have a learning time for why im feeling crappy... metaphorically speaking, i feel like my strings are tied up to a hand clock that keeps moving and i have to be dragged along with it or else id be dragged onto an cemented ground and my ass just get bruised up. I dont know when to feel like those string are cut off or when doesthat time freezes while i take time to breath.... im fucking tired of life and the carried expectations i brought up to myself because i chose a career that i love yet super demanding... im happy at the same time im not.... mostly im empty and tired... what is life???
I'm graduating college in four months and I have absolutely no fucking idea what I'm going to do with myself after. It's constantly in the back of my mind and it scares the shit out of me in all honesty.
I just found out I wasn't running the proctor program right on my tests this semester. My 5 tests at around 90% are now worth zero. I want to cry. My GPA is ruined. My grants, my scholarships. Maybe the teacher will let me retake them?
I'm so happy that I get GPA above 3.5 . I hope I can improve it soon. Aamiin. Wish me luck!
Today, I got caught cheating. Yeah yeah say shit to me I'm a disgrace. I worked and studied so hard on my classes yet I still couldn't remember anything. As much as I don't wanna blame the medication, it is the one causing me to have a memory problems. I'm always tired with it now. It deteriorated my memories. Nothing worked for me, I changed three meds already, went to therapist, been on psych ward for suicidal tendencies. And I cheated for the first time one damn paper exam and got caught. I might be dismissed to a university and my life is ruined forever because of it. The only choice is either I kill myself. I know I have so many things I wanna do yet which are simple and short. Something i never do because I never have time for myself and studying,but after that, i'll kill myself.... I'm almost homeless, I have a physical disability. Like what else do I got in this world?? I can't get any better. Plus, I have no friends and my family doesn't care.. And I was sexually molested, bullied, and abused. I don't trust people and their politics. Who am I to run to.. Honestly, I'm fed up with life so nothing but death. Death does not resolve anything but it ends everything I have been trying to resolve for the whole time of my life. Trying to resolve why I am the person I am. Trying to resolve the issues for cancer. And as selfish as it sounds, I've been living my college life researching about cure methods and I just don't know where to stop and re-start. For 21 years of my life, I got have myself so I'm tired of it.
My medication for depression was my new third one but all of the meds is destroying my photographic memory.. In exams, I don't usually study, I look at the stuff and I know them all already but after these meds, it takes me three reads to know the concepts then I have to speak the ideas out lout then I get sleepy in the process... All I want is to just quit already because all the doctors want is to give me meds and stick with meds.. But I tried to rationalize the weight of both having it and not having it and not taking it is heavier... But the doctors is like no..