Have you ever felt like empty eventhough you've gotten what you want? Sometimes, I cry when I'm alone (and I dont know what the reason). I dont even know why this happens.
Tomorrow I have 2 tests. Wish me luck
Soo where to start.. I'm 18 years old and I will graduate soon. However there is one person from school that I can't get out of my head. It's a teacher I have. Sounds like a lame story, a girl that is in love with a teacher bla bla.. But I would not say that I'm hopelessly in love with this man, it's different. I'm very attracted to him, and now onto the interesting part, I do think, that he sort of has feelings for me too. It's very strange, because I don't want to interpret to much into it, I wanna see it from a neutral perspective, and maybe I'm all wrong. I don't know. So, I got this teacher for around 2 years now in class. I always was a pretty shy girl, someone that does not have much to do with the other students but still has her 3 good friends so I didn't participate that much in classes, wich also led to him not really knowing me that much at the beginning. He, by the way is a attractive, not too attractive (attractive for me, he's a pretty unique guy) , 28 year old man. He himself seems to be a more quiet person too, in a way that he has enough self-esteem to be a good teacher, but hes always quite quiet and does not scream to kids or anything like that. However, once when he spoke to me when we were alone, asking, why I don't like to talk so much in class, while my written texts are always so good. I tried to explain it to him, and he showed his understanding, and we then talked a bit about this, he asked about how he could help and stuff. It was a pretty intimate conversation, but still just in the sense from a teacher to a student. As time passed by, we have talked a bit some times, and during the lessons, I slowly started to feel nervous around him. As he stood in front of the class, he very often looked into my eyes for a long time, as I did too, and then we both looked away fastly, just too look in our eyes again a few seconds later. I found him even more attractive and charming day by day. It was strange to me, that he always looked at me, while I wasn't even raising my hand or showed participation in his lesson. He even favored me, in some ways, that even other students see that, and tell that to me, they also say that he looks at me quite often. (and I feel a bit uncomfortable then, because I don't want to be the person that gets favored by a teacher). However, I'm sure that he doesn't intents to do so. The connection between us grew stronger and stronger by day. And now it's like, we have strange eye connections, whenever we see us, he, in lessons very often comes to me and asks if he could take a look on what I'm doing, and asks if he could help me with anything. He also says, whenever I need help in his subject, he's always there to help. Wich is a bit strange for two reasons, 1. I'm pretty good in his subject, I have no problems with it, I just don't raise my hand that much, and he knows that, he knows that I'm good at it, and he also knows that im not too shy to ask if I have questions. I'm not that shy, I just hate the consepts of lessons where I always have to take part and stuff, idk. And 2. because he just sais that to me. There are other students, but he never goes to them, sits besides or in front of them for a long time and takes a look at what they're doing. He also never said to anybody else, that he/she can always come to him and ask questions. And again, he knows that I'm not that shy. And whenever he talks to me, his voice changes. It gets very soft, more quiet and sensitive. Very strange, since it doesn't change when he speaks to other people. Whenever we talk we look deeply in our eyes, and sometimes even forget to talk. Then we just smile for a bit and look in our eyes. I think that behavior is at least for a teacher student relation a bit strange. I remember once, when there was like only one laptop left to work, I stood up to get it, an other boy stood up to, was faster then me, and got this laptop, so I haven't had one, just because he sort of runned just to get it quicker then me. The teacher then said to this boy that to me, he should always be a gentle man, so he should give it to me. As he said the, he was quite aware that I heard it, and he looked to me in that strange cute look he always gives me. This is a stupid story but should just stand as an example of the many stories I always have with him. And God, I can't stop thinking about him and his beautiful eyes. But don't get me wrong, I've never seen this in a that childish way. I don't think that sth between us would work, I also don't think that he would make it happen. I don't think that he would ever really have sth with me, I guess he would always feel that it's wrong and that he's not in that position to do so. But I do think, just for the way he speaks to me (this is not sth you can explain that easy, so it might be hard to understand) and how he looks at me, wich is different to how he looks to other people, that he has some feelings for me, and I don't know how to deal with that, because soon he will be gone, because I will graduate and wount have him in lessons anymore. But I will really miss the conversations we were having aswell as his eyes and his way of saying things, and everything about us, but it would be way to strange from me to ask if we could stay in contact, because for me it would not be on a friendly basis, so it wouldn't work. But I'll miss him so much :( idk what to doooo :(
I always know that in life we always have so much we still need to learn especially while still young and growing. But when I'm actually in the situation where I started stepping towards my goals, that's when I realized how much how I still don't know and still need to learn. Knowing something is just stuck in our minds but realizing something it's something we embody.
Yesterday was my class picture day. We happy, laughing, pose, taking selfies and else. And then time to change the outfit. We change the outfit and waiting for the photographer to prepare the set, while we checking each other appearances to make sure it will be perfect. Then my crush apporach me, asking me to fix his tie. The problem is me and him are not talking for like a whole year and he was dating my friends that knowing my feeling for him—they broke up already. I no longer have feelings for him. But OH MY GOD, me fixing his tie is the first time I fall for him—also my way to flirt with him—and it started to flooding me with those memories all over again. I'm so nervous, sweating, my hands are shaking. Good thing I didn't just hug hin right there. Fyi, everybody in class knkw about that and they teasing me again for that -.-
My kid's school is so "unracist" it's annoying. Starting in kindergarten the ONLY history these kids learn is racial stuff. Which wouldn't be odd if my kid wasn't the ONLY minority in class aside from 1 kid who is 1/16th Black. This place is Whiter than a Wierd Al concert in a snowstorm. My son gets along great with his classmates. Race has never come up, but they dumb down this stuff so bad there is no nuance and they teach nothing else historical. No moon landing, no Revolution, just "Dats Ray-Cis." Like, shut up, no one cares about your white guilt.
I can't help it but I really should say that your appearance is already ugly and your attitudes make it worse.
I was in my professor's office to ask for a question about chemistry. In a civil conversation, he gave out a good analogy but came out very wrong ( I can't say the actual topic since it was chemistry specific...) but his analogy was talking about nails and twisting it in a metal hole and how it was about twisting and pushing and squeezing and etc. and putting nails in a wrong hole or something. His gestures came out wrong as well and he noticed it too.. I think That was the day before valentine's day which got even more awkward.. He laughed a bit but I pretend I'm innocent and didn't mind it but really in my mind I was laughing so hard! I was about to express my cracked up laughter. But it's kinda uncomfortable as well because he's a dude and I'm a girl and I'm actually kinda conservative and that was weird for me but it was funny.. Man that office help just switched from chemistry to sex. ed all of a sudden but now at least I won't forget it.
I'll just whistle blow and confess. I had a teacher in elementary school who actually tutored me and gave me so much guides to pass the exam. Little that I know the question and answers were all the things in the exam. I got a perfect score in all my classes ( 8 classes). My conscience hits me often and I felt deeply that I didn't deserve to be an honors kid then because my tutor who is my teacher gave me all the answers to the exam. I didn't get in trouble for it though.... though my teacher then knows I have a crush on him and I was thinking that's probably the reason why. But it was really unfair to other kids like me who get a perfect score as well and get no aid (or maybe they did because I found out when I was in high school, five of us are receiving the same situation). But it was my guilt all throughout. When I moved in a different country and in my middle school days I'm not getting perfect scores anymore and that teacher isn't my tutor anymore. I have no tutor but I still get good grades though. and in High School when I took the SAT exam, I got a perfect score but even though I know I have no tutor or is not cheating, it always reminds me of that guilt I had as a kid. So after that I literally and purposely make one answer wrong for the sake of not having a perfect score because I know I don't deserve it so on my other college exam (ACT) I almost aced it with. Now though I'm applying for an MCAT and I know I'm more mature and a grown person but for some reason I still have a guilt and probably I'll more likely and purposely wrong an answer I know on the exam but I wanna get over that guilt I just don't know how...
I don't know what I'm going to do once I graduate from college. I feel like this has taken up so much of my life and I've become used to the routine that I won't know what to do with myself after. I mean, I've been going to school for like 15 years total?? (Kindergarten-now) It's going to be so bizarre to not have that be a part of my life anymore. It's weird to say, but I think I might miss it.