All of the guys that have had crushes on me used to think they were straight. Like my boyfriend? He used to call himself straight, and then he met me and now he’s bisexual. Same thing with a guy I knew a few years back. He was straight and then we became friends and after a while he proclaimed he was “gay for me but straight for everyone else.” It seems a little odd to me. I always ask boyfriend why he’s attracted to me, if he only used to like girls. He says he doesn’t really know, that his attraction to me is something that transcends gender and sexual orientation. Maybe I should be flattered, that I’ve made guys like me so much they begin to question their sexual orientation. But, it makes me feel...emasculated. It makes me feel like I’m comparable to a girl, because that’s what the guys that are attracted to me used to be attracted to. But then I think, I can’t be that girly...because I’ve had straight girls hit on me as well. If I was really so girly then straight girls wouldn’t like me, right? I don’t know. I don’t know why “straight” guys and straight girls like me, but there has never been a guy who already knew he was gay be attracted to me.
If I could summon any spirit to talk with, I'd talk with my mom. I want to know if she knows I broke up with my old boyfriend she didn't like, and I haven't seen or talked to him in 3 years. I want to tell her about my fiance. I want her opinion on him and her blessing. I want to show her pictures and videos of my nephew, her only grandchild, and see if she has a message for him. But mostly I just want to apologize for anything hateful I said to her and didn't apologize for. If I could've done something different to save her that night, I'd go back and do it in a heartbeat. I just want her to know how much I love her and miss her every day. I didn't appreciate her enough while I had her. I loved her, and I hope she knew that, she was my best friend, but I was a shit daughter and person sometimes. I want to find some way to honor her memory one day.
I joined a group chat on telegram that's like... a plush club. Like just a bunch of people who like plushes and collect them and whatnot. And it's supposed to be a SFW chat because it's an innocent enjoyment of collecting art, not some weird kink. But sometimes people post art that's... borderline NSFW. It's not actually graphic in any way, but its quite clearly fetish art, the fetish being someone turning into a plush or getting stuffed inside a plush or even a plush just eating shit tons of stuffing and getting fat. And it honestly makes me super uncomfortable that people sexualize something so innocent, especially in a group where that's not what it's about. Sorry for the random vent, I had to complain about this somewhere.
I hate that my family has low expectations of me like when I was sick one time they thought I was pregnant lol they really don't think I will go far in life and I think so too it meh.
Months ago, back in December, I had a dream that I was in a lame romantic Christmas Hallmark movie. And in this story, I ended up falling in love with someone who I was not even remotely attracted to in waking life. Now all this time later I actually have fallen in love with him. And it's not like I convinced myself to like him because of the dream, cause I was so confused and weirded out when I woke up from it, like "Wait what? Why him? I don't even like him." And I've had prophetic dreams before that end up coming true, but it still amazes me.
My sister and I had a kinda weird talk about our sex lives today. It's just weird cause we've never really talked about it before. But she has questions and concerns, and she doesn't feel comfortable talking to our mom about it- and I understand why, our mom is very much a "wait until you get married!!1!" kind of person- but it's just... I wish I could say something besides "it's weird" lol. Idk, is this some kind of... precedent? Are we going to talk about this often now? Is she going to want to be more open with me, or never bring it up again? Who knows? I'm kinda glad I can be there for her though, cause I didn't have anyone there for me, and it sucked. This whole policy of teaching abstinence instead of safety is fucking stupid. She shouldn't HAVE to come to me for help even though I'm glad she CAN. Teens shouldn't be afraid to ask these important questions. It's angering.
how is it that you can be old yet feel so young and be young and feel so old???
how is it that you can feel old yet be so young and be old and feel so young???
my mind is in shambles, so im just gonna write away. A mind is a fragile thing. A slight influence triggers a butterfly effect. Language and learning. Set from the beginning and developing a conciousness. Dreams answer questions we didnt ask and didnt even need an answer to. A wild sea turns into a softly babbling brook; somtimes leaving us in confusion of what to do next. Dull words and empty conclusions. Its painfully obvious that some things are that irrelevant. Every trip through our thoughts costs us. Are you willing to pay the price or will you wait until the fatigue gnaws you away? Still. Try and find what is blocked away by emotion and culture. Making sense; in that regard is not important. Oh my, write down what thou think you know. A puzzle with no correlation creating a picture to blind who observes only. Time is fluid, try to hold it, but youll fail. Try to drink up and you wont notice it passed through you. And end is nigh, but im not sure how ready i am.
The only time I get flirted with is in my dreams. I feel pretty pathetic for craving love so desperately that I've started dreaming of just being flirted with.