I hope i am alone on new years eve this time. why am i forced to celebrate with other people? every year it feels just like a routine, so annoying.
Last night I had a nightmare where I almost died and it scared me so much so I got in my stepbrothers bed cause I thought it would help me calm down. He woke up a when I got in even though I tried hard not to wake him up and I was sooo scared that he was gonna think I was weird or that he would make me leave but he just moved over and he gave me the pillow he was using since I didn’t bring mine and he was back asleep in two seconds. I’m so glad he didn’t think I was weird. Some people make things like that weird and I hate it.
Sometimes I record my anger rants, and listen to them. After I listen to them, I erase them. Sometimes, it makes me feel better.
I remember a time when I was little that I awoke one day and said "I'm alive!" and ran to my mother who was still sleeping and woke her up by repeating "I'm alive! I'm alive!" So, I wonder why was I thinking that. Was I a spirit of another person who wanted a second chance at life and found this body that I have and im acctully possessing this body and living someone else life?
My nationality, race, disability, depression, and status income, is limiting me from scholarships, opportunities, and power to be determined to get a good grade as well as affording college. Yet, I'm still trying everyday and try to be better of myself everyday. I want these prestigious scholarships, I can't because I'm not an American citizen yet. I want to join ROTC or the military I can't because I have a mild disability. I want to study so hard to get an honors scholarship but its hard due to my depression. I want to finish college but it's hard because I came from a poor background despite that my mom is a professor. And sometimes I wish I would kill myself and literally wish reincarnation can happen again and be born where I'm not the person I am right now. Where I'm not disabled at least. Not disabled that I can be determined to realized how normal my body is. So that I can grasp every opportunities I have in life. And to be honest, it irritates me that my brother is the one who is normal. He's tall, possibly fit and has 3.9 GPA. Yet he's not trying. He's not trying his best. He didn't get any scholarships, he didn't want to do everything he can. Right now, he's playing at home doing nothing and feeling lonely because he's single. And it's not that I'm jealous at him, god could've granted me his normal body. We could've switched. If I have his body, I could've done soooooo many things in life. I would've been somewhere else in the world. And for my brother his only problem is getting a girlfriend. Where I myself is even struggling to make friends. I work two jobs so I can't socialize. But right now, I'm lucky because I have my family. My mom can be a bit possessive of me but she's my only choice and she's my only choice that gives love and at least not feel alone in this world. I have my brother. even though he never tries, I motivate him and being the voice in his ear, I guess he's considering to try everyday too. And the fact that he thanked me everyday because I keep telling him motivations is already good enough for me. I just accept what I got and I guess I'll find what I like, we gotta keep moving right? And I know life isn't fair, but I'll make it through because life is somehow a competition yet not a competition. It's mysterious and complex I guess.
as i grew older, i realize that i'm not attractive enough. having this low self-esteem makes me sad most of the time. but trying to look happy all the time.
Music doesn't usually make me cry. Music doesn't usually make me feel anything, it just allows me to connect and project whatever I'm already feeling. But I have just discovered a song that makes me feel something. A song that instills an emotion in me rather than reflecting what I already feel. The song "Ronan" by Taylor Swift overwhelmed me with such a tender, loving sadness that I was moved to tears. The words "You were my best four years" break my heart every single time, and the verse about standing in his closet trying to talk to him and keeping all of the clothes he would never grow into... My eyes are watering again just thinking about it. It's just such a heart-wrenching song. But it's so beautiful...
this is the first time i sleep with no cloth. and it feels great
I swear you people could fuck-up a wet dream!
Need advice from male's! I don't know what to do about this.. So, I guess you could call it a rumor but I've heard from my boyfriend's friends and family that his own mother sexually abused him. I don't know how to bring it up or talk to him about it.. the other day I went threw his phone and found moms teach sex porn, some involving like mother and son stuff, really weird to watch something like that, it made me really uncomfortable given what I've heard about my boyfriend's relationship with his mom. I heard she abused him growing up.. it wasn't consensual. But he's obviously messed up in the head about it, due to the stuff I saw on his phone. idk basically what I'm asking is, is that kind of porn normal for guys? Or is there something definitely wrong here..?