lost my cool yesterday. so my mum knows i can get extreme headaches from time to time, to the point of crying. yet yesterday she forced me to walk home in blinding light and blazing heat because she didnt wanna pick me up. so when i got home i was crying af cus it hurt so bad. and then she yelled hello, and i said hello back but i guess she didnt hear me cus she said hello again but louder. so i lost it and friggin screamed hello back at her before going downstairs.
I hated her so much yet I loved her so much. Thinking of catching her on the bed with a guy sunk my heart, felt like a million spears just went through my body. All the love, consideration, affection, sex, etc she gave me was all a wall? I don't think so. When she was with me, I felt what pure love was like. it was that pure and every moment I see her, I tell myself that this is it I found my mate for life. After I broke up the day after this incident, she happily went with this guy. What was she doing all these times with me? Playing? I don't know. There wasn't a single bad thing that i could find with her. She helped me a lot in every fucking thing I know. She made my depression and anxiety go away like cleaning my nose. Enough saying good about her. She died in a car accident with her new boyfriend, straightaway colliding into a truck. The car looked like it got vaporized into thin air. I don't know what to emotionally feel now. I've been sitting on the edge of my bed for the past 4 hours doing nothing but staring at the floor tiles with a calm face. What is wrong with me....
I have a really thin body type naturally. I have always been *almost* underweight but still healthy (doctor-approved). I am 1.63m tall, female, and my weight is usually around 50kg. Which is still okay, but shouldn't be less. Well, lately I have lost my appetite. I blamed it on the summer heat that I only ate twice a day and small portions, but now the summer heat is gone since 2 weeks ago and I continue to eat less and less. Even if I try eating more, I can't swallow it. I lost 2kg in one month. I have no clue what it could be - every disease google shows me doesn't fit my (lack of) symptoms, and my doctor didn't take me very seriously - I think she just assumed I'm anorexic. She could do a few tests, but they're expensive. I don't know if I should just wait until my appetite reappears or if I should be more alarmed. (It certainly didn't help that my doctor told me how dangerous a low weight is and that I should better see a PSYCHOLOGIST).
I have an idea for a book/short story, but I don't know if it's stupid. It starts off as a love story, from the point of view of a guy who falls in love with a girl, but his roommate and her get along better and it makes him jealous. But in the end, he gets her. But it's not really the end, because the second half is written from the girl's perspective and reveals that the guy is actually a psycho, the roommate is a dog she dogsits for him and they don't really end up together, he just thinks that in his sick mind and is actually a stalker. Yeah... that's it. I don't care if anyone steals the idea, because I probably won't have the guts to write it anyways.
Saw something that reminded me of this, snd now I need to rant. A year ago, I was in a physics 2 class in college. We were assigned a group project that we had to do with the people at our tables. At my table there was my best friend and two boys. The project was building a little model house and wiring it up with lights and a motor. Cool okay, we can do this. My best friend and I said we'd do all of the creative work if the boys would start on the wiring. We would help them once all the creative shit was done. So after a weekend and a couple days of the week, my friend and I had the entire creative portion done. The boys still didn't have anything done on the wiring. So as we sat in class that day with it being a day to work on the project, we forced them to start on the wiring. After about 30 minutes, them giving up, me shoving diagrams of how to do it at them, and them not doing shit, I took over. In about 5 minutes, I had the first circuit hooked up. So I said screw it, my friend and I will do the wiring if the boys will do the paperwork. My friend and I take the next two class periods to finish all of the wiring. Now it's the tuseday before this project is due on Thursday(at 9am). We all agree to meet at 8 tgat thursday morning finish up any small last minute details. I made it clear, I needed the boys to have their parts finished before we met. They didnt. They hadn't done anything. So I'm sitting there with one of the boys as we're waiting on the other. The other was supposed to make the drawing of the house showing all the circuits and all the other parts we were supposed to have. "So did he do it?" The other guy looks at me and shrugs. "I told him to, but didn't get a reply." "Okay, so do it." He sits there. I get back to work on the calculations they were supposed to do. "So do we have the drawing yet?" He goes wide eyed at my question. "Haven't heard from him yet." I grit my teeth and glare at him. "Then get out a peice of paper and. Do. It." He scrambles to get a peice of paper like he's worried I about to hit him. Other guy finally shows up. I pass him one of my calculations. "Rewrite this so it's neater. We're being graded on neatness." About 20 minutes later, we're in the classroom now, rushing to finish (well I am) and I ask him for the 3rd time if he's finished rewriting that. He looks at me and goes "Oh, you wanted me to do that?" At this point, I'm shaking in anger and I'm very close to punching him. Note,I never get this pissed at anyone. I practically yell "Yes! That's why I asked you to do it 3 times!" My best friend (who recently got there from her previous class, she couldn't meet early but met with me before her first class and passed off the needed materials) told me to calm down. She's all for "bitch at them!! Tell them off!" She never tells anyone to calm down. And when it came time to present the project(our teacher snd the other teacher of the physic classes came to each group individually) I sat back and didn't say a damn thing. I let the boys flounder and try and to explain shit they hadn't done. And then later explained everything to my teaher. Never found out the boys' final grade, but I got an A. And on the next project, I had to work with them again(had no choice), they got their work to me a couple days before the deadline I gave them. They did everything I asked them to. They pulled their weight and then some. So moral of the story kids: be a decent fucking group partner, or pull double your weight next time to try and fix your fucked up grade.
period day 1: ate everything in sight. also, period poops.
I'm a girl and I'm insecure about my body. I recently started visiting a porn site where "real" people (= no porn stars) post nudes of themselves. Let me tell you, that made me feel SO much better about my own body. Seeing what kind of ugly bodies others have - and also seeing that many people still find those bodies attractive, showing how different tastes just are, and that in fact, every body is beautiful to someone.
I tell myself and people that relationships are unnecessary but really I want someone to cuddle with me, play with my hair, and kiss me
Teachers ain't always smart.
When I was ten years old I remember a weird dream I had and it happen more than once. I remember watching a movie about this boy in a library, when he opens a particular book a wave of coloured paint swept him away and the event happen again and again. That scene I dreamt about and I remember it being a nightmare. It felt so real I felt the need to breathe heavily. What scared me is the dream repeated itself and I was stuck in this fictional universe. My mind screamed for me to wake up but again the dream repeated itself. Its like watching this children's movie triggered something odd. This happened for a couple days until I stopped watching the movie. I don't remember the name but I can clearly remember what happen.