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Can't wait for fall. but since I'm naked, I can't go out

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  • naked inside or outside. its all good

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I was out drinking at the nightclub I usually go to. At some point that night I find myself with a friend, that I dont really talk to, but we know eachother. Now it still feels like all a blur. I cant remember if it was flirting or me just talking about random stuff. I'm fairly certain it was the outfit that caught his eye. 10+ drinks in me, I was drunk, I could barely walk, my words were slurred. I find myself cuddling up to my friend. Then out of no where he kisses me. After cuddling for sometime, I get up out of nowhere to sprint to the toilet. To vomit. About 3 steps later its done, too late. Ive vomitted. (side note: surprised I wasnt kicked out after that.) After that I remember having a dart, thinking I dont want to walk home alone. I was mostly just wanting someone to walk with me, but my friend wasnt actually drinking, and was able to drop me off. I spent 2 hours outside of my house after closing time, in his car, making out, (was really surprised since vomit breath). And things were escalating. My neck, my breasts, my theighs covered in hickeys. In my head was running, "I dont want to have sex." From how rough this guy was, I remember my legs shaking. And in my heart, I know it wasnt the cold. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, and tell him, please dont put my seat back. Because after tearing apart my fishnets, gliding a knife along my skin, and I didnt know if I was ready for this. Now theres clear access. And I had no intentions, and Ive never found myself in a situation like this. Ive had a similar story but that much longer and complicateder. The main connections are me saying no. Letting it happen, even though I'd rather not. And I didnt think it was going to happen, because I had been drinking, but it happened anyways. idk if I felt trapped, but I didnt try either way. fucking me in the most awkward position and sucking on my neck like a vampire. I notice someone literally walk right past the car on the road, I said something and he practically shaked it off as nothing. Now what I cant get off my mind is consent. Is what we did okay? Because a general rule is no. But sometimes I find myself losing my voice when I am very vulnerable. Idk if this is technically classified as rape or not. But it just leaves a burning image on my mind of him.

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  • If you feel raped, then your feelings are valid, period. You don't have to feel guilty or like you deserved it or should stop yourself from seeking help just because you're not sure if it was real rape or not. What you feel is rape. Now keep this in mind when I say the next words... I'm not sure if it was 'real' rape. Maybe I didn't understand everything right, but having sex with a drunk girl is per se not rape. Not saying no also doesn't mean it isn't, though. But I've so often witnessed friends being extremely drunk but being seemingly only tipsy, later wondering how nobody noticed how drunk they were. I've also, while being drunk, mistaken my friends for being sober, but then being told that they weren't (driving a car doesn't mean you haven't been drinking). I also have done things or rather let things being done to me while drunk, and later regretted it, but know that it wasn't the guys fault because I seemed to be willing and deep down wanted it at the moment. Again, I don't want to judge for your particular case and no matter what it was, if you feel a certain way then you deserve any help you need and your feelings are valid. But a drunk guy being kinky with a drunk girl or a guy being kinky with a tipsy girl when she doesn't express in any noticeable way that she doesn't want it isn't rape. Only you can now answer whether he could've really known that you didn't want it. If yes, then yes. Either way, it was obviously a horrible experience for you and I hope you can come to terms with it one day.

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Being naked is good, so what's wrong?

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I hate social media sometimes. Random guys always texts me and hit on me all the time. Most just wanna have sex with me. It's like wtf, like how do they find me online? I'm private and I don't post slutty pictures. I keep receiving messages from guys all the time and I just want these people to leave me alone. I don't text back, I just delete them but then I still keep on receiving so many messages from guys. Like why me? There's like way more prettier girls out there and also many of them wanted attention. I don't like that attention. And like I'm into real relationship where guys asks for a date and real relationships. Like as if everyone nowadays just wanna have sex. Nobody is committed anymore like our old folks.

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  • I think there's a setting to not get messages from people who don't follow you or something. Also, some of them go fishing for girls in comment sections, so if you frequently comment on some public posts, maybe stop doing this for a while and see how it turns out, delete old comments. I recently unfollowed a ton of sites that I wasn't too interested in anymore and the spam in my inbox got way lower, so maybe try that if you can?

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i find stories of knotting both disturbing and erotic

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You have no idea how much I freaked out when this app wasn't working. When I had no one else to go, confesster was always my to-go-to; this app is literally my lifeline, I didn't know what to do without it.

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  • I keep on opening this app at least once a day, sometime I even still write in this.

  • Same man! I thought this app wasn’t available on my country anymore!

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I regret doing research this summer. I should've done mental health treatment. I have no choice I'm here doing this in a middle of a foreign country where mental health is shunned upon with people who treat me like shit. The program I'm in, people also treat me like shit. Now I'm experiencing confusion (the literal confusion) and my heart is beating fast and I barely even walked. I'm sleepy too yet I'm having tremors. I can't go to the doctor because they will shunned down on my symptoms.

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  • Oh no... I'm sorry. Hang in there.

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HAHAHA so, today, I think today is my worst ever day! cze, so many things that happened such as, the basketball's ball just hit my head! and I'm feel a little bit dizzy! and also,my class is cancel and I entered the wrong class! not only that! my book is wet don't know how tht hppened but thank goodness, not really wet ..

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  • you might have been concussed.. how hard did the ball hit you and where

  • All I'm hearing are two funny stories to tell and one "thank God it wasn't worse". Look on the bright side :)

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My boyfriend went to an open interview/job fair event at the place where we used to work. They denied him because he worked there two years ago and was fired for attendance because he got sick during training. He had the stomach flu! He was throwing up. Since the bathroom is halfway across the building from the training room, and you have to go through the break room where people eat, you really don't want someone throwing up there. People who were fired for misconduct and fraud got to come back after a year. I knew a girl who either quit or got fired, but still got to come back to the same project because her mom is a manager. I was fired for not meeting sales metrics for months and they still told me to reapply for another project in only 2 months. It's been well over 2 years and the attendance from illness was the only issue. The only reason he was in training at the time (and had stricter attendance rules) was because the project he was working for ended and they had to move everyone from that project to something else. He had no control over that and barely any warning it was happening. Good riddance to them. I'm never going back, unless it's the absolute last resort.

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  • I wouldn't even want to work at a place that had a no sick days policy like what the fuck

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I love writing, and force myself to write at least a page perday. But these days, I just sitting in front of my laptop and digging a deep hole inside my head with nothing comes up, like my brain being dried up for no reason. Maybe I don't get much inspiration, maybe I just not in the mood. I don't know. And it's obviously start to driving me crazy!!

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  • Are you listening to new music, movies, art? Feed the muse and she'll bless you.

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