Can't wait for fall. but since I'm naked, I can't go out
I was out drinking at the nightclub I usually go to. At some point that night I find myself with a friend, that I dont really talk to, but we know eachother. Now it still feels like all a blur. I cant remember if it was flirting or me just talking about random stuff. I'm fairly certain it was the outfit that caught his eye. 10+ drinks in me, I was drunk, I could barely walk, my words were slurred. I find myself cuddling up to my friend. Then out of no where he kisses me. After cuddling for sometime, I get up out of nowhere to sprint to the toilet. To vomit. About 3 steps later its done, too late. Ive vomitted. (side note: surprised I wasnt kicked out after that.) After that I remember having a dart, thinking I dont want to walk home alone. I was mostly just wanting someone to walk with me, but my friend wasnt actually drinking, and was able to drop me off. I spent 2 hours outside of my house after closing time, in his car, making out, (was really surprised since vomit breath). And things were escalating. My neck, my breasts, my theighs covered in hickeys. In my head was running, "I dont want to have sex." From how rough this guy was, I remember my legs shaking. And in my heart, I know it wasnt the cold. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, and tell him, please dont put my seat back. Because after tearing apart my fishnets, gliding a knife along my skin, and I didnt know if I was ready for this. Now theres clear access. And I had no intentions, and Ive never found myself in a situation like this. Ive had a similar story but that much longer and complicateder. The main connections are me saying no. Letting it happen, even though I'd rather not. And I didnt think it was going to happen, because I had been drinking, but it happened anyways. idk if I felt trapped, but I didnt try either way. fucking me in the most awkward position and sucking on my neck like a vampire. I notice someone literally walk right past the car on the road, I said something and he practically shaked it off as nothing. Now what I cant get off my mind is consent. Is what we did okay? Because a general rule is no. But sometimes I find myself losing my voice when I am very vulnerable. Idk if this is technically classified as rape or not. But it just leaves a burning image on my mind of him.
Being naked is good, so what's wrong?
I hate social media sometimes. Random guys always texts me and hit on me all the time. Most just wanna have sex with me. It's like wtf, like how do they find me online? I'm private and I don't post slutty pictures. I keep receiving messages from guys all the time and I just want these people to leave me alone. I don't text back, I just delete them but then I still keep on receiving so many messages from guys. Like why me? There's like way more prettier girls out there and also many of them wanted attention. I don't like that attention. And like I'm into real relationship where guys asks for a date and real relationships. Like as if everyone nowadays just wanna have sex. Nobody is committed anymore like our old folks.
i find stories of knotting both disturbing and erotic
You have no idea how much I freaked out when this app wasn't working. When I had no one else to go, confesster was always my to-go-to; this app is literally my lifeline, I didn't know what to do without it.
I regret doing research this summer. I should've done mental health treatment. I have no choice I'm here doing this in a middle of a foreign country where mental health is shunned upon with people who treat me like shit. The program I'm in, people also treat me like shit. Now I'm experiencing confusion (the literal confusion) and my heart is beating fast and I barely even walked. I'm sleepy too yet I'm having tremors. I can't go to the doctor because they will shunned down on my symptoms.
HAHAHA so, today, I think today is my worst ever day! cze, so many things that happened such as, the basketball's ball just hit my head! and I'm feel a little bit dizzy! and also,my class is cancel and I entered the wrong class! not only that! my book is wet don't know how tht hppened but thank goodness, not really wet ..
My boyfriend went to an open interview/job fair event at the place where we used to work. They denied him because he worked there two years ago and was fired for attendance because he got sick during training. He had the stomach flu! He was throwing up. Since the bathroom is halfway across the building from the training room, and you have to go through the break room where people eat, you really don't want someone throwing up there. People who were fired for misconduct and fraud got to come back after a year. I knew a girl who either quit or got fired, but still got to come back to the same project because her mom is a manager. I was fired for not meeting sales metrics for months and they still told me to reapply for another project in only 2 months. It's been well over 2 years and the attendance from illness was the only issue. The only reason he was in training at the time (and had stricter attendance rules) was because the project he was working for ended and they had to move everyone from that project to something else. He had no control over that and barely any warning it was happening. Good riddance to them. I'm never going back, unless it's the absolute last resort.
I love writing, and force myself to write at least a page perday. But these days, I just sitting in front of my laptop and digging a deep hole inside my head with nothing comes up, like my brain being dried up for no reason. Maybe I don't get much inspiration, maybe I just not in the mood. I don't know. And it's obviously start to driving me crazy!!