I grew up in the US and I hated it there. It's so hard to make friends.. for introverts... I'm always lonely and depressed and life is very demanding. When I moved in the Philippines, it was easy to connect with people "in person". Yeah the country can be unsafe, and can be damn humid but I love the people here. The people that I met somehow cured my depression. Yeah bad health care as well but I love it here! I love the food, the culture, events, and I can live by the limitations of that from the first world country. I dont really care what my parents think, I live my Filipino heritage and their social connection. Something considered awkward when I was in the US.
I dont like sweets and I love the taste of veggies.. It's odd because sweets are naturally attractive to human taste and veggies aren't. I mean bitter taste are the best but sweets are pretty eww
So I met this girl in the middle of last semester and I kind of knew that she was into me at the time, the thing was that I thought I would never see her again because we are studying completely different courses. But ever since I met her, I saw her a lot of times and the thing is that she was really cool and I want to talk to her again but every time I see her I am with my friends and it is not option to ditch my friends just to talk to her and I know she still remembers me because holds a gaze and smiles at me every time she sees me, I just wish I can have another opportunity to talk to her again
It's just been a really bad week... and it's been so long. I feel like it's been a month since last weekend. I just want things to go back to normal.
Back in my teenage years, I had a group of friends, in which I was the weird, fat kid. I quit it some years ago because I realized that they mostly made fun of me behind my back...and then it all broke apart. However that may be, I'm self-rightously glad that the guy that was the greatest backstabber now looks like a fat, old woman drenched in old frying fat, has failed miserably in life and still is a virgin, while I lost my weight and have a great relationship. It's childish and doesn't really matter to anyone, I know, but boy how glad I am that I'm not the last one of the group to lose his virginity...as far as I know, I'm the second, the first one was the "chad" of our group and ironically the only member of this group I somewhat regularly am still in contact with.
Sorry for the long one in advance. So I grew up with only my mother. My dad tried to kidnap me twice as a child and succeeded once so haven't seen him since I was young and he went to jail for this. In the meantime my childhood has been tough for a number of reasons, one of them is that I've always been my mothers only form or support. When I was 11 years old I found out she has a chronic disease, Huntington disease if anyone cares, and so I've over the years become my mother's mother more and more. And though I can take a lot and still love my mother, she hasn't always been good. She called me worthless and cried about wanting to die because of me nearly on the daily, breaking half the house in her rage on the regular. And even though I'm an adult now and I moved out some years ago already, I still get bothered by her a lot. She calls me 3 times a day at least, constantly tries to come over and pick me up from work and so on. And many say "why do you complain, your mother is just spoiling you, I wish I had a mom ready to pick me up any time". Well not if it means crossing over personal boundaries. One day I was on a date with my (then) boyfriend who lived oversees. Him and I would go on a double date but we were way too early so being in the city centre already anyway we decided to pop into a store as he needed some clothes. When my mom texted how I was I happily replied what we were doing and she want crazy on us. Getting angry and ranging on and on about how she didn't get to go along. This was just hopping into a store for like 20 minutes mind you. And the other day I had to get angry and scream, legit scream at her that she wasn't allowed to come to my house because I had to leave. All I did was ask if she knew where something was which I lost after she visited. I never needed her to come over. Its just become disrespectful and condescending by now how much she's even unwilling to consider I have boundaries. I don't know what to do. Tldr: My mother is just too much, I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I think "What I would tell myself when I was younger to talk myself out of suicide?" What moment would I show myself to make me untie the noose and think, this is worth powering through. This weekend I found it. My daughter came out of the tub with wet hair and handed me a brush. Rushed excitedly to my chair, turned her back to it and closed her eyes. Seeing the smile in her face as I brushed her hair is legit one of the greatest feelings in the history of the world. This was worth everything.
So me and this Black guy at work found out we were both half Jewish and we started exchanging really bad Jew jokes. It's become a running gag. "I'm a Black Jew, so they put me in the back of the oven.", "The doors on the gas chamber were coin operated and no one in my family was willing to pay up.", "Always haggle him down before you steal his bike. If it's under $800 it's not grand theft. I don't need a 3rd strike." Well I was googling myself in preparation for job interviews and one listed nickname was "shekelmancer" I'm like, oh shit. Even though my social media is anonymous, I must have used an email linked to my name to sign up! Well, this is gonna be an awkward interview.
So this strange little (woman?) At my office with blue hair and a nose ring was saying how much "cooler" she was than my buddy because he wears (boring) suit. I couldn't help thinking back to when I was in a punk band. Years ago an old bandmate had just got off tour with Warped and we were discussing how our new band would dress on stage. He was wearing emo skinny jeans to let you know how long ago this is. We all came to the conclusion that pierced noses and dyed hair was so retro we would be a laughing stock. Like the people we're trying to flip off must be dead by now. Most of us had sleeve tats and gauges at that point. It was already passe. I just can't help thinking this woman fell through a time warp. Like maybe her email address ends in @aol.com?
I do well academically. That’s the only thing I do well... getting good grades. And because of this I always try to show it and people think I’m snobbish. Yesterday I worked on a project with a girl, and she said that she feels like she can’t do most of it, and that what should does isn’t good enough. She started asking me questions about the material, and the way I was answering her questions made her feel stupid, like her questions were basic or something, especially because she is in her third year and I’m in my second. I didn’t say anything hurtful but maybe my body language and tone made her feel like that. I guess my frustration was obvious even if my words weren’t hurtful. I ended up doing most of the project, and it was obvious she felt bad about it. Why am I such a bitch!?.