Back in my teenage years, I had a group of friends, in which I was the weird, fat kid. I quit it some years ago because I realized that they mostly made fun of me behind my back...and then it all broke apart. However that may be, I'm self-rightously glad that the guy that was the greatest backstabber now looks like a fat, old woman drenched in old frying fat, has failed miserably in life and still is a virgin, while I lost my weight and have a great relationship. It's childish and doesn't really matter to anyone, I know, but boy how glad I am that I'm not the last one of the group to lose his virginity...as far as I know, I'm the second, the first one was the "chad" of our group and ironically the only member of this group I somewhat regularly am still in contact with.
Sorry for the long one in advance. So I grew up with only my mother. My dad tried to kidnap me twice as a child and succeeded once so haven't seen him since I was young and he went to jail for this. In the meantime my childhood has been tough for a number of reasons, one of them is that I've always been my mothers only form or support. When I was 11 years old I found out she has a chronic disease, Huntington disease if anyone cares, and so I've over the years become my mother's mother more and more. And though I can take a lot and still love my mother, she hasn't always been good. She called me worthless and cried about wanting to die because of me nearly on the daily, breaking half the house in her rage on the regular. And even though I'm an adult now and I moved out some years ago already, I still get bothered by her a lot. She calls me 3 times a day at least, constantly tries to come over and pick me up from work and so on. And many say "why do you complain, your mother is just spoiling you, I wish I had a mom ready to pick me up any time". Well not if it means crossing over personal boundaries. One day I was on a date with my (then) boyfriend who lived oversees. Him and I would go on a double date but we were way too early so being in the city centre already anyway we decided to pop into a store as he needed some clothes. When my mom texted how I was I happily replied what we were doing and she want crazy on us. Getting angry and ranging on and on about how she didn't get to go along. This was just hopping into a store for like 20 minutes mind you. And the other day I had to get angry and scream, legit scream at her that she wasn't allowed to come to my house because I had to leave. All I did was ask if she knew where something was which I lost after she visited. I never needed her to come over. Its just become disrespectful and condescending by now how much she's even unwilling to consider I have boundaries. I don't know what to do. Tldr: My mother is just too much, I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I think "What I would tell myself when I was younger to talk myself out of suicide?" What moment would I show myself to make me untie the noose and think, this is worth powering through. This weekend I found it. My daughter came out of the tub with wet hair and handed me a brush. Rushed excitedly to my chair, turned her back to it and closed her eyes. Seeing the smile in her face as I brushed her hair is legit one of the greatest feelings in the history of the world. This was worth everything.
So me and this Black guy at work found out we were both half Jewish and we started exchanging really bad Jew jokes. It's become a running gag. "I'm a Black Jew, so they put me in the back of the oven.", "The doors on the gas chamber were coin operated and no one in my family was willing to pay up.", "Always haggle him down before you steal his bike. If it's under $800 it's not grand theft. I don't need a 3rd strike." Well I was googling myself in preparation for job interviews and one listed nickname was "shekelmancer" I'm like, oh shit. Even though my social media is anonymous, I must have used an email linked to my name to sign up! Well, this is gonna be an awkward interview.
So this strange little (woman?) At my office with blue hair and a nose ring was saying how much "cooler" she was than my buddy because he wears (boring) suit. I couldn't help thinking back to when I was in a punk band. Years ago an old bandmate had just got off tour with Warped and we were discussing how our new band would dress on stage. He was wearing emo skinny jeans to let you know how long ago this is. We all came to the conclusion that pierced noses and dyed hair was so retro we would be a laughing stock. Like the people we're trying to flip off must be dead by now. Most of us had sleeve tats and gauges at that point. It was already passe. I just can't help thinking this woman fell through a time warp. Like maybe her email address ends in @aol.com?
I do well academically. That’s the only thing I do well... getting good grades. And because of this I always try to show it and people think I’m snobbish. Yesterday I worked on a project with a girl, and she said that she feels like she can’t do most of it, and that what should does isn’t good enough. She started asking me questions about the material, and the way I was answering her questions made her feel stupid, like her questions were basic or something, especially because she is in her third year and I’m in my second. I didn’t say anything hurtful but maybe my body language and tone made her feel like that. I guess my frustration was obvious even if my words weren’t hurtful. I ended up doing most of the project, and it was obvious she felt bad about it. Why am I such a bitch!?.
I'm always naked, and I'm not changing for anything
I've always been good at writing and one of my wishes in life is to publish a book one day. The thing I'm not good at, however, is making up stories. Everything I come up with isn't original. Well, there's this one story I have. I made it up as a kid, and whenever I had time to kill (which, given that I have no siblings, happened often) I thought about the story and kept adding to it. I did this for years, until I was a teenager, sometimes even still now that I'm an adult. I created a huge universe that way, the story is original, I've never seen something like it anywhere, but it has elements from a lot of very popular genres and stories, so it would probably be liked by enough people to make it worth writing down. But this wouldn't be a confession if there wasn't a problem with it, so here it is... some elements of the story aren't suitable for an audience. Partly because it simply doesn't make any sense for anyone but me - and I'm not talking about a few plot developments here, I'm talking about something that's the base for the whole story and that I only kept in the story over the years because in my head it doesn't matter if it makes no sense. And partly it's very personal stuff that I'd never want anyone to associate with me (let's just say a lot of people would recognise themselves in the story in a way that wouldn't be beneficial for anyone). The solution for this problem sounds simple; just change the story! And yes, I could. But I don't want to. It's probably a stupid nostalgic thing, but ripping out this huge plot base, and even taking out only a few minor details here and there, feels like ripping the head off your favourite teddy bear or seeing a horrible movie adaptation of your favourite book. You know that they had to change some bits for the movie and you know that those who never read the book love the movie, but it is so WRONG. To put it in a nutshell, I can either not write the book and live my life knowing that I possibly wasted my only chance to fulfil a dream, or I write it and feel like I sold my soul to the devil to fulfil said dream. Which is worse?
I'm so happy that I get GPA above 3.5 . I hope I can improve it soon. Aamiin. Wish me luck!
just wanted to share that I have finally decided to to give law school a shot. i will take the philsat this coming September and start preparing next month. hopefully going to law school will help me find direction in life. atm I am so clueless and struggling