I've read up on coalcoholism, and everything I've read describes and explains my family conditions. Now I've got proof that my whole family is living a huge lie, which I already feared. The leaflet explained everything in painful detail, from why familiar interaction seems like a bad sitcom, to my own declining mental health. It had physically hurt to read that. While I often reference Lovecraft, only now I know how forbidden knowledge feels like.
so my best friend is cheating on her boyfriend. i hate cheaters.
I was trying to go to the bathroom at this restaurant, cause I hang out sometimes and wait for my friend to get off work, so I'm here for a long time. Anyway, I had just sat down to poop after waiting quite a while for someone else to leave the bathroom. Out of nowhere, these two kids are standing outside the door knocking. I hear one of them say "Someone's in there!" Both of these kids are probably 8 or younger. So a normal person would realize the bathroom is occupied and then walk away, right? This mom just stands RIGHT outside the door with her kids, waiting. That's so fucking weird. Don't just stand there and listen while I'm trying to go to the bathroom. I got stage fright and couldn't go, so I had to leave the bathroom because they wouldn't go away, or just use the other bathroom. I'm really annoyed because now I can't walk back across the restaurant to the bathroom without looking like there's something wrong with me. My stomach hurts, I just wanted to take a shit, is that really too much to ask?
I have been dreaming that one day I would wake up and check and there would be $30,000 in my paypal account. What I would do would be to finally get my own car and not having rely on coworkers for rides, I could finally go to a laundry mat instead of having to do my laundry in the sink and tub, and be able to get to the grocery store. I am thankful for having all that I do have and I volunteer at the homeless shelter on weekends and seeing what they have to go through Makes me see that they deserve the money more than I do. I'm self aware that I don't have any leg to stand on to ask someone for money when there are more people who deserve it more. It's just a dream I've been wanting to come true one day.
I like to dance like no one is watching, even if they are watching.
I hope i am alone on new years eve this time. why am i forced to celebrate with other people? every year it feels just like a routine, so annoying.
Last night I had a nightmare where I almost died and it scared me so much so I got in my stepbrothers bed cause I thought it would help me calm down. He woke up a when I got in even though I tried hard not to wake him up and I was sooo scared that he was gonna think I was weird or that he would make me leave but he just moved over and he gave me the pillow he was using since I didn’t bring mine and he was back asleep in two seconds. I’m so glad he didn’t think I was weird. Some people make things like that weird and I hate it.
Sometimes I record my anger rants, and listen to them. After I listen to them, I erase them. Sometimes, it makes me feel better.
I remember a time when I was little that I awoke one day and said "I'm alive!" and ran to my mother who was still sleeping and woke her up by repeating "I'm alive! I'm alive!" So, I wonder why was I thinking that. Was I a spirit of another person who wanted a second chance at life and found this body that I have and im acctully possessing this body and living someone else life?
My nationality, race, disability, depression, and status income, is limiting me from scholarships, opportunities, and power to be determined to get a good grade as well as affording college. Yet, I'm still trying everyday and try to be better of myself everyday. I want these prestigious scholarships, I can't because I'm not an American citizen yet. I want to join ROTC or the military I can't because I have a mild disability. I want to study so hard to get an honors scholarship but its hard due to my depression. I want to finish college but it's hard because I came from a poor background despite that my mom is a professor. And sometimes I wish I would kill myself and literally wish reincarnation can happen again and be born where I'm not the person I am right now. Where I'm not disabled at least. Not disabled that I can be determined to realized how normal my body is. So that I can grasp every opportunities I have in life. And to be honest, it irritates me that my brother is the one who is normal. He's tall, possibly fit and has 3.9 GPA. Yet he's not trying. He's not trying his best. He didn't get any scholarships, he didn't want to do everything he can. Right now, he's playing at home doing nothing and feeling lonely because he's single. And it's not that I'm jealous at him, god could've granted me his normal body. We could've switched. If I have his body, I could've done soooooo many things in life. I would've been somewhere else in the world. And for my brother his only problem is getting a girlfriend. Where I myself is even struggling to make friends. I work two jobs so I can't socialize. But right now, I'm lucky because I have my family. My mom can be a bit possessive of me but she's my only choice and she's my only choice that gives love and at least not feel alone in this world. I have my brother. even though he never tries, I motivate him and being the voice in his ear, I guess he's considering to try everyday too. And the fact that he thanked me everyday because I keep telling him motivations is already good enough for me. I just accept what I got and I guess I'll find what I like, we gotta keep moving right? And I know life isn't fair, but I'll make it through because life is somehow a competition yet not a competition. It's mysterious and complex I guess.