I think I've lived a good life. Regardless of the ups and downs, I feel like I'm content with where I'm at now and I think this is the perfect ending to my story. I know it's selfish and cowardly and I still have "so much to live for" but I don't want to know what the future may hold. I don't want to know if tomorrow will be worse than today or better. I don't want to continue on like this. I plan on killing myself tonight.
My girlfriend has just told me she's pregnant. I honestly don't know what to think. I have the nagging doubt in My head that there's a chance it's not mines. iv been with her just over a year, and have never had any real findings that she's ever cheated on me but something just tells me she has. stupid things like I know when a guy has messaged her because I get a glimpse of the name or whatever and when I ask who it is she plays it off as one of her girlfriends. iv also seen sexts to another guy from a point where we were early on in our relationship but still getting pretty serious. I asked her if she was seeing or in contact with more than one person at the start and she said absolutely not. I know otherwise though. I don't know what to think, I love her, but don't know if I trust her fully
It's wet down here, and I just want to hug you.
I guess I've won, I'm probably what the internet calls a Wehraboo and my girlfriends name is Erika....
My New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating so much. So far... not off to a good start, considering I put off even starting until the second week of January LOL. But I'll keep working at it. Hopefully by the end of the year I'll be done with procrastinating for good :)
Just made out (22M) with a girl (18F), who was already proposed to. Showed me her ring. Told me stuff that shes obsessed with me, and that im the guy that she should be with. Also told me that i shouldn't tell anyone about our affair. Shes playing with my mind. I'm not telling anyone about the thing, but i'd fuck her anytime anywhere and she's thinking about it the same way as i do.
I keep dreaming that my crush is in love with me. The dreams aren't anything graphic, he never even kisses me in any of them. He just does small things like he'll hold my hand out of nowhere, or he'll give me this precious look that screams "I care about you", or he'll hug me for a long time. I love these dreams because it just feels so damn nice to be loved. I love the tender, sweet emotions that I feel in the dreams. I love feeling happy. I hope I feel that way in the waking world someday.
So there was this one day back in middle school during the time that the sexual abuse with my mom’s friend was still going on. I was panicking really bad because I knew I was going to see her that afternoon when I came home from school and it was driving me crazy, so I went to the bathroom and tried to calm down. I was in front of a sink trying to stop hyperventilating, and I was wearing this jacket that had a button on the sleeve, and I could hear the button vibrating against the edge of the sink due to how much my hands were shaking. And then this guy walked in and he asked me if I was okay, and when I opened my eyes and saw who it was, I ignored him because he was a jerk. He was the guy who shoved me into a wall that time when we were outside, and again when we were in the computer room. He also laughed when his friends were jerks to me. So I was trying to stop shaking and breathe normally because I knew he was watching me, but then I started involuntarily coughing between gasps because of how hard I was hyperventilating and he said “I’m going to get someone” or something along those lines, I wasn’t really paying attention. But when I stopped coughing, I opened my eyes and he was gone. Then a minute later a teacher came in and took me to the nurse. They kept me there for like half an hour and then they sent me back to class. And when I saw that guy again at the end of the day, and he kind of stuttered a joke about how I better not start having another coughing fit because he didn’t feel like going inside and getting the nurse. But I saw genuine concern in his face. And I just really appreciated that, you know? I mean, he didn’t have to help me. He could’ve shoved me into the wall again, or made fun of me for being so pathetic, or he could’ve ignored me. That’s what I was expecting, but instead he went and got me help. And we… kind of became friends after that, I think. He stopped being mean to me. I have him in a few of my classes this year, too, and we’re still on good terms. We never talk about that day, but I’m sure he remembers it. And I don’t know, I just hope he knows I’m thankful.
I just sat around for 4 hours smoking countless cigarettes, for my girlfriend didn't answer her phone and then went full "Not now, I'm busy" without any explanation...turns out she was building IKEA furniture and renovationg her room and had no time to write. I've never felt that glad to be dumbfounded by my own sorrow.
Some internet friends decided they wanted to mail around a traveling journal of sorts for all of us to write in, and I agreed to participate. The person before me took several months to get to me because they ran into some troubles and couldn't afford to ship it- but it was no big deal, I didn't mind. Then I finally got it, and I too fell on hard times. My grandpa was sick for weeks and then eventually passed. Then three other family members passed away in the following weeks. Work started getting busy for the Christmas season, and it only got worse the closer it got to Christmas. I and everyone else got some kind of flu-like virus. I had to spend every last cent on Christmas gifts because my dad conveniently decided to not pay the phone bill, and my mom had to cover it, leaving nothing extra for Christmas. Just thing after thing kept happening where I didn't have the time or money to send the journal. And on top of that I initially had anxiety over what to even write in it. I've had it for a couple months, about as long as the person before me, but one of my friends keeps hounding me about it and making me feel so immensely guilty for still having it. I can't apologize any more, I couldn't control the things that happened. But I feel so awful. I feel like I ruin everything, and I shouldn't have even tried to write in it. I should have just passed it on without writing in it, or even just never agreed to participate at all. I'm never doing something like this again. The universe always finds ways to make me struggle with deadlines. And I'm tired of trying to fight it and just disappointing the people I care about.