Okay so there are two houses on the property I live on. the big house is where my mom, step-dad, and step-siblings live. I live in the smaller one with 3 dogs. two of them are mine and one I my moms. Today... I went to a town over that is 1 hour away. Went to go hang out with some friends. around 6pm my mom texts me and asks when I'll be home. I say it will be late. at 9pm she asks if I'm headed home yet. I tell her no. I dont head home till a little before midnight. get home a little before 1am to find my dogs still out in the backyard and not fed. Yet whenever they leave, I get told and ordered to feed and care for their dog that stays in the big house with them. but they cant even feed my dogs for one night while I'm not home....
Today a customer complained about me, which stresses me out more than you can imagine. The worst thing is that it was really my fault. I didn't purposefully scam him, but I definitely wasn't as careful as I should've been. I won't lose my job over this, but I could get in serious trouble, because there have been two other complaints about me (which both weren't my fault, but the newest incident will probably make my boss question that) and because we just very recently had a discussion about the very thing I fucked up.
Enjoy my life...yeah sure but i need a car. When u live in this type of town...that's what you require. Its the way it is. Now my $$ has been stolen and in no way can I afford a decent one. I've been waiting trying to accumulate it much there is always something screwing it up. Idk when it will ever happen.
Sometimes I masturbate thinking about my favorite singers taking me to bed. And I get incredibly turned on imagining them teasing me for being such a fangirl by referencing their own song lyrics. I know it'll never happen, but it can't hurt to dream, I guess.
There was a time when i used to just want to go and experience the funnest shit...the weird the bizarre the crazy fun stuff. Then the disability aspect of my life happened...the slow down mentally and physically dumb etc..The judgement..the stalking... I.d.k why it happened. I feel like I'm getting better but the events recently have caused me to feel so broken. Am I beyond repair?? God I hope not. Gotta get to the Dr. Do the testing...figure out the health and brain etc. I'm not this boring!!! I used to love life. I use to engage. Wth.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
I'm in college. Already a junior. Still didn't made any friends. I don't know what's wrong with me. Really..... I don't know... I just want friends. just a group of good friends I can hang out with outside classes. I'll be alright you know. Like I can't just tell them, "hey what's up and can I hang out with you, with your friends?" that be soo awkward. I'm just kinda tired of being lonely and alone and insecure because I'm alone. Being alone just makes me even more looking at my imperfections and ended up comparing myself to others. I keep trying to make connections but it's so hard. I'm not autistic or something but I can't do an eye contact because in my mind, I get nervous and my face turn red. And when it turn red my it gets too obvious. And I know eye contact is a key to socialization but it's so hard. I'm not dorming so I guess these people make friends in dorms.... and my high school friends, they're gone. Have their own friends and somehow forgotten about me. My best friend, moved to a different state, engaged and now also forgotten about me. My older college friends, they were my friends because of my brother. But they're gone too. All in graduate school. My brother is even gone, already in graduate school. And you see my friends are all 5 years apart from me. They're like my TA's age. I've been friends with them only for one semester. And I only hang with them during winters when they go home. But they're all over 21 and I'm not, so the drinking part, sometimes I can't hang out with them. And I can't deny this, I'm a product of long term bullying. I was bullied since 3rd grade. When I moved to the US as a kid, I have a culture shock and I became shy so I didn't made friends, in high school I move to different state (also a culture shock), still the same. I got bullied a lot too because my best friend is white (super blonde hair green eyed girl) and the state I live in is Asian dominant population and somehow some people are racist towards white people. So I got bullied and eventually developed anger against the world and people. That was I born, am I hated? am forsaken? After then I constantly lie for a certain image of me. A layered of masks full of different alter ego. But Sometimes I break that myself and show the monster in me. Maybe people sense it and avoid me. But now in college I moved on from that alter egos but the reminiscence of my past, it's hard to completely throw it away. Going through so much killed my mind. But I'm breaking it but why is it still hard to make friends in college? On my first semester, I ended up with friends who are narcissistic and negative... Somehow I see that they're like me. And I avoided them. But loosing them, I felt somehow lost.... Now I can't connect still. And now I even lost my job too so nothing is occupying my mind anymore but the stress of education. Sorry I know this is too much and it might get confusing. But if any of you are reading this, tell me what you don't understand. But thanks for reading this.
Why do people decide to become actual stalkers? Like cyber or in real life? Why can't they decide against it? I mean I know at a point in our lives we all become weaker...but if you are aware of this and the pain you cause....stop.
When I woke up this morning, I had a really loud and long fart. I thought my fiance was asleep, but he said "Really?" right after. I was too embarrassed to roll over and see if he was really awake or if he was just talking in his sleep, so I pretended to be asleep. It's not the first time I've farted in front of him. He'll probably forget about it, or he may not have been awake enough to remember it at all.
I can finally say that I witnessed and learned how a gold digger works. Met this person who had a first relationship where she asked her boyfriend to pay for her nose job and so. She broke up with that guy with another guy who gave her a car, a house, a pet dog with breed, paid her university and paid her plane tickets. Even feed her family. The 2nd boyfriend's anger is understandable when she broke up with him. She replaced her 2nd boyfriend with someone richer. Her latest boyfriend has a business and takes her to more expensive places. I am speechless and she gives a shame for us women lol