Quote of the Day: "Safewords are for cowards" - My fiancee.
I'm currently working as a nurse in Saudi. It's my first time working in abroad. It's already 5 months since I started working here and I still feel unwelcome. I tried to reach out, suggest things, hang out with them, etc. but I just can't fit in. There are some times that they're okay with me but most of the time that make me feel that I don't belong. Some of them are good to me, but there are some who just doesn't want me there. If we're working, it's ok because I'll not be able to think of those things because were always busy and when we go home, I'll just go to sleep early. But now that everything's in lockdown and we can't go out, I feel alone and stuck in a place where I can't fit in. I hope I explained it well. English is not my first language. I just want to vent out because I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want my family and friends at home to worry about me.
I have to get this off my chest, I feel so guilty and disgusting. I used to have a crush on my coworker, but got over it when my friend started dating him, and then even more so when their relationship went south and he showed his true colors. He's kind of not a good person under the surface. Today we had a going away party for him at work. He was giving out goodbye hugs, and when he offered me one, I accepted to be polite, because I'm still being cordial with him. And the second he had his arms around me, I just melted. A year ago, I would have died to feel his arms around me, but today, I'm in a happy relationship with a nearly perfect boyfriend and I recognize that I dodged a bullet with my former crush. But that hug felt so nice. He caressed my hair and held me for what felt like a very long time, and I felt so at home. And I hate that. Why did I feel that? Why did I react like that? I know I used to be in love with him, but I barely even like him as a human now, much less as a potential mate. But physically I'm still drawn in by him, his scent still makes my heart race, his voice still gives me shivers, his eyes still make me weak. Why? I'm so mad and disgusted with myself, not to mention I'm kind of freaked out that he touched me that way because caressing someone's hair is not something that happens in a casual, friendly hug. I feel guilty for liking it when I have a boyfriend. I feel guilty for, deep down, a tiny part of me still craving that touch again, just wanting him close to me, despite how I feel about him.
just masterbated in the bathroom at work. my ex is so cruel sending me messages of what he's gonna do to me next time we hook up. I couldn't take it anymore.
So I'm standing in the kitchen at 4 am, finishing a jar of Nutella with a spoon, and I feel the back of my top being lifted up. I turned around SO FAST but nothing was there. My husband is asleep and there's no one else in my house. After that it just felt like I was being watched. I almost didn't want to turn off the light to go to bed. I really considered leaving at least the light above the stove on just in case something was in there. I sped walked to bed while looking over my shoulder and I still can't sleep. I tried to recreate it. Maybe my shirt caught on the fridge door or drawer handle but I couldn't get it to catch the same way. It felt like someone held it up. Like someone lifted my shirt to see if I'm wearing shorts. I'm not crazy, it just feels like a perverted ghost was in my kitchen. I should be sleeping but now I can't.
Any other girls been fistd before?
it's been almost a year since I managed to get my kids and I away from my abusive ex of 5 year....its took me a year of rebuilding my own self self esteem up enough to resist his constant attacks. although he was so manipulative that he had my own mother siding with him through it all, losing the house, my car, being homeless for 2 months with 3 kids, etc, I still managed to maintain all of the positive changes I'd made to myself. Now, here I am, 10 month later....and I am so broken that I don't know what to do anymore. what caused the crash? the relentless attacks from my mom, my dad backing, her up without even speaking to me for months, being completely isolated and not able to leave my home for weeks at a time due to my anxiety and PTSD.....and to top it all off.... I found out 3 months ago that I am dying.....Which I've kept to myself because I of the lack of support- even emotionally- from my family. I just wonder now why I fought so fucking hard to get my life back, when I wont even be here 6 months from now......
I'm so excited about the UFC tonight can't wait omg im so happy that its gonna happen today. i been waiting so long. who else ????
This is my first month on birth control. So far, it's wrecking me emotionally. People tell you it'll make you have mood swings, it'll make you irritable, it'll make you depressed... What they don't tell you is that it amplifies all of your emotions and makes each one feel like an unbearable tidal wave, and even the positive feelings are crushing with their weight. I hope this goes away.
I don't know why, I'm always slacking off. I already plan for today, but I'm not going cause I don't feel like it. I don't have much motivation and I don't know how to slove that problem either.